What I Learned from Movies: Car Chases

27 December, 2009Posted inObservations14 Comments
All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind's will… and driving skills. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street without OSHA-approved gear. It is rumored that the glass industry is in a slump, and employees are required to listen to police radios for possible police chases. This gives them ample opportunity to sue for…

Bigfoot’s Diary

03 December, 2009Posted inObservations15 Comments
2 Dec 2009 10 AM: Spent the morning leaving deliberate tracks in the snow near that stupid hunter's cabin. Made sure to leave a clump of rat hair on fence nearby. Took a long dump on his front porch, but decided to scoop it up and smoosh it in his mailbox instead. PUNK'D! Thought it might be funny to remind the park rangers of my existence, so I walked in front of the infra-red wildlife cameras. Here's the trick to wildlife cameras. Listen for the click and release of the shutter. Count carefully, so when you walk in front of…

Annual Thanksgiving Day List

26 November, 2009Posted inObservations14 Comments
Longtime readers know that every year I write a list on Thanksgiving of what I am thankful for. This year is no exception. Please let everyone know what you are thankful for in the comments. I am thankful that… …Sarah Palin is back to being America's prettiest moose hunter. …cats cannot manipulate Plutonium. …unlike killer bees, poutine has not managed to cross the border into the US. …Uggs are not mandatory school uniform wear. Nor are Crocs. …Paris Hilton has disappeared from the media spotlight. …icebergs cannot fly. …mullets are popular again. Just for the comedic value I require. …people…

Collective Nouns for Web 2.0

31 October, 2009Posted inObservations9 Comments
Back in the Middle Ages, knowing what collective noun was applied to a group of animals was taken quite seriously. We all know the common ones, such as herd of cows, a pack of dogs, a flock of birds, but there were plenty of obscure ones like an exaltation of larks, a murder of crows, a shrewdness of apes, etc. Time for some new collective nouns for Internet groupings. If a group of whales is a pod, is a group of teenagers an iPod? A nuisance of 4Chan members A nest of Tweeple (Twitter users) A channel of YouTube watchers…

How to Speak Waiter

20 October, 2009Posted inObservations16 Comments
"I made this drink special for you. It has a unique, subtle flavor.""I've added a toxic cleaning chemical to poison you. Can you guess what it is before the EMT arrives?" "May I take this out of your way?""You selfish bastard. You're taking up a table for four by yourself during our dinner rush. I will continue to remove things until it soaks through your proto-hominid skull that you're not wanted." "How is everything tasting?""I don't give a shit how my service is, so I won't ask you about it." "Small, medium or large?""Just choose the large, fat-ass." "Would you…

How to read a real estate ad

18 September, 2009Posted inObservations15 Comments
Baroque = Broken Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn Charming = Corners don't line up. Sagging porch. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow. Cozy = Cramped Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children. Urban Setting = Ghetto Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere Historic = Has ghosts Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground. Private Drive…

More People We Dislike #24

15 September, 2009Posted inObservations22 Comments
Brake tappers. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance. Couples in matching sweaters. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy.…

Sex on a Hot Tin Roof

01 September, 2009Posted inObservations28 Comments
I used to have a cat named Sex. I didn't name it. My roommate Chris H. had the honors. He was inspired by a mutual friend, Kevin F. who had cats named Gravity and Reality. Chris' rationale was it would be hilarious to yell "SEEEEEEEEX! Here Sex! Come on, pussy," across the neighborhood. Consequently we found other amusing things about that name. "Don't be afraid of Sex, unless she bites or scratches." "Hey. Sex is waiting for you, outside that door. Right now." "You hurt Sex!" "Haven't you been paying any attention to Sex?" "Is Sex all you think about?"…

More People We Can Safely Dislike #23: Travel Edition

27 August, 2009Posted inObservations12 Comments
Oh my readers, I have not abandoned you. I am working myself to death slowly. I've been in 5 states in four days. Anyway, all this travel got me hating on folks again, so here's my travel edition of more people we can safely dislike. UPDATE: No idea how comments got turned off! They are back on. The guy on the plane who keeps kicking the back of your seat The woman who comes back from the airplane lavatory with a fresh gallon of perfume on The psycho next to you who is afraid of flying and keeps grabbing your…