Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • Everything I Learned About Homes, I Learned from HGTV

    1. If you don’t have an island in your kitchen, your home will never sell. Buyers want an island.
    2. If you have the wrong kind of island in your kitchen, you’ll ruin your home No one will want to buy it.
    3. Laminate flooring is a high quality, inexpensive material to give you the look of real tile for less.
    4. Laminate floors look cheap and will lower the value of your home. You really should have gone with real tile.
    5. Use purple and orange pillows, paired with lots of candles for the look of a plush, Moroccan getaway.
    6. The Moroccan look is cheap, outdated and a fire hazard.
    7. Bake bread in your kitchen before buyers show up. It will make the house feel like a home.
    8. Buyers are savvy today and won’t fall for old tricks like baking bread.

    What have you learned from HGTV?

  • What I Learned from Movies: Car Chases

    1. All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind’s will… and driving skills.
    2. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street without OSHA-approved gear. It is rumored that the glass industry is in a slump, and employees are required to listen to police radios for possible police chases. This gives them ample opportunity to sue for exorbitant insurance claims.
    3. All car car chases will at some point, venture through a narrow alley requiring drivers to either turn their cars at an angle to continue, or fire a Glock 27 at a dumpster, turning it into a single-use ramp.
    4. At some point, it will be necessary to drive at top speed on a crowded sidewalk, preferably through an outdoor café. The patrons of the café—their senses heightened by espresso and Brésiliennes—have cat-like reflexes and will roll and flip away from the oncoming vehicles with an agility that would put an Olympic gymnast to shame.
    5. Another omen appearing in the typical car chase is the elderly woman or blind man who crosses the street painfully slow, but timed perfectly to avoid being hit. These are in fact, large squirrels in the guise of old women.
    6. Midway through a car chase, the driver may tire of the drudgery of street after endless street and decide to off-road it a bit. There are two globally-approved methods of signaling to the other driver that it’s time for some unpaved action:
      1. Veer off the freeway unexpectedly on the one section of road where the embankment is missing
      2. Using the top of a parking structure as a ramp and careening into space. Best to land neatly on solid ground without damaging the suspension or breaking a tie rod.
    7. Leaning back in your seat will prevent you from being hit by enemy gunfire, as will ducking for a split second. Car doors are impervious to rounds up to .50 caliber and hand-held grenades.
    8. Audis are the fastest cars known to man and have up to 37 forward gears. They can and should be used in the War Against Terror, as they can withstand more abuse than an M1A Abrams tank.
    9. Crime-lords sitting in the rear seat of a vehicle can—and will—be shot to death during a high-speed pursuit. Attractive women in the same seat will miraculously escape unscathed. Something to do with the weight of their breasts counterbalancing the fabric of their slender, strapless gowns and the ratio of how much sheen their hair has. I think. It’s all very scientific.
    10. But the most important thing of all: no matter how old or smashed up the vehicle, brakes never fail in a car chase.

    What have you learned from car chases in movies?

  • Bigfoot’s Diary

    2 Dec 2009
    10 AM: Spent the morning leaving deliberate tracks in the snow near that stupid hunter’s cabin. Made sure to leave a clump of rat hair on fence nearby. Took a long dump on his front porch, but decided to scoop it up and smoosh it in his mailbox instead. PUNK’D!

    Thought it might be funny to remind the park rangers of my existence, so I walked in front of the infra-red wildlife cameras. Here’s the trick to wildlife cameras. Listen for the click and release of the shutter. Count carefully, so when you walk in front of the lens, your body is out of frame—save an arm or leg. It’s also a good idea to rub some skunk urine on the lens so you look sorta blurry when the shutter releases. Ooh snap!

    3 PM: Swallowed a bug while running away from two drunken hunters. I had the last laugh, of course. One of them ran into a tree and passed out. I tied him up naked in front of the infra-red camera. The other one began wheezing and turned all purply. I bucked his knees out and he hit the dirt like a sweaty Christmas ham. Why do these guys all wear bright orange AND camouflage? Sending a mixed message or bad fashion sense? You be the judge. I had other plans for him. My daughter wants a pet and with Christmas around the corner… Well, let’s just say rednecks are generally a lot easier to housebreak than puppies.

  • Annual Thanksgiving Day List

    Longtime readers know that every year I write a list on Thanksgiving of what I am thankful for. This year is no exception. Please let everyone know what you are thankful for in the comments.

    I am thankful that…

    1. …Sarah Palin is back to being America’s prettiest moose hunter.
    2. …cats cannot manipulate Plutonium.
    3. …unlike killer bees, poutine has not managed to cross the border into the US.
    4. …Uggs are not mandatory school uniform wear. Nor are Crocs.
    5. …Paris Hilton has disappeared from the media spotlight.
    6. …icebergs cannot fly.
    7. …mullets are popular again. Just for the comedic value I require.
    8. …people still don’t “get” Twitter, cause I’ll have a job as long as they don’t.
    9. …my parents don’t text me in LOLCATSPEEK
    10. …we do not serve balut for Thanksgiving.

  • Collective Nouns for Web 2.0

    Back in the Middle Ages, knowing what collective noun was applied to a group of animals was taken quite seriously. We all know the common ones, such as herd of cows, a pack of dogs, a flock of birds, but there were plenty of obscure ones like an exaltation of larks, a murder of crows, a shrewdness of apes, etc. Time for some new collective nouns for Internet groupings.

    1. If a group of whales is a pod, is a group of teenagers an iPod?
    2. A nuisance of 4Chan members
    3. A nest of Tweeple (Twitter users)
    4. A channel of YouTube watchers
    5. A pool of Flickrites
    6. A patch of hackers
    7. A flaming of trolls
    8. A backdoor of hackers
    9. An absence of MySpace members
    10. A wall of Facebook friends
    11. A time suck of Farmville players

    Which ones did you think of?

  • How to Speak Waiter

    1. “I made this drink special for you. It has a unique, subtle flavor.”
      “I’ve added a toxic cleaning chemical to poison you. Can you guess what it is before the EMT arrives?”
    2. “May I take this out of your way?”
      “You selfish bastard. You’re taking up a table for four by yourself during our dinner rush. I will continue to remove things until it soaks through your proto-hominid skull that you’re not wanted.”
    3. “How is everything tasting?”
      “I don’t give a shit how my service is, so I won’t ask you about it.”
    4. “Small, medium or large?”
      “Just choose the large, fat-ass.”
    5. “Would you like to hear the specials?”
      “I just want 15 more seconds at your table to stare down your date’s blouse.”
    6. “Is the house red, OK?”
      “Clearly, you couldn’t tell a Malbec from a Chianti if it bit you in the ass.”
    7. “Sir, the men’s washroom is all the way down the stairs, turn right, then two lefts, through two more hallways and actually upstairs in the next building.”
      “I’m ensuring you’ll be lost for a good 20 minutes while I hit on your wife.”
    8. “I can move this table out for you, if it’s too close to the wall.”
      “I can’t see how short your skirt is, otherwise.”
    9. “Oh, so sorry I spilled wine on your nice, white shirt. Allow me to pay for the cleaning bill.”
      “Your wife’s breasts distracted me while I was pouring. And that’s a fine Malbec grape. Not that you would know. It will never come out. You’re basically fucked.”
    10. “It’s a pungent bleu cheese with a … complicated flavor.”
      “It’s rubbish. No, literally. We dug it out of the back of our fridge, scraped off the fuzzy bits and gave it a bullshit French name so we could charge more for it.”

    What terms have you learned from the waitstaff?

  • My sex education class was a little different

    My sex education class was a little different than this

  • Caitlynn is now single

    Caitlynn is now single

    Awkward!

  • Is it deer season already?

    Is it deer season already?

    Image via Mandy L.

  • How to read a real estate ad

    1. Baroque = Broken
    2. Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn
    3. Charming = Corners don’t line up. Sagging porch.
    4. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow.
    5. Cozy = Cramped
    6. Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children.
    7. Urban Setting = Ghetto
    8. Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere
    9. Historic = Has ghosts
    10. Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts
    11. Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community
    12. Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground.
    13. Private Drive = All your neighbors were eaten by redneck cannibals
    14. Quaint = Outdated
    15. Quiet neighbors = Cult compound
    16. Scenic View = Adjacent Cemetery
    17. Spacious = No windows
    18. Starter Home = Cardboard box
    19. Tree-lined = Welcome to the jungle
    20. Unique Layout = Architect was unlicensed and possibly schizophrenic
    21. Waterfront Property = Septic tank backs up in spring

  • More People We Dislike #24

    1. Brake tappers.
    2. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance.
    3. Couples in matching sweaters.
    4. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them.
    5. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior.
    6. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy. And worse, that it improves the presentation. Sorry, but until Powerpointless becomes SecondLife, it ain’t gonna be entertaining. At all. Just stop before Edward Tufte head butts you.
    7. People who refuse to drink draft Guinness in the US because it was, “so much better in Ireland, that I can barely tolerate it here,” but then proceed to drink cat-piss like Coors or Miller.
    8. The coworker who sings to herself all day. Loudly.
    9. The person who just took the last whatever-it-is-you-desperately-needed right in front of you.
    10. Kanye West

    Who do you dislike this week?

  • Sex on a Hot Tin Roof

    I used to have a cat named Sex. I didn’t name it. My roommate Chris H. had the honors. He was inspired by a mutual friend, Kevin F. who had cats named Gravity and Reality. Chris’ rationale was it would be hilarious to yell “SEEEEEEEEX! Here Sex! Come on, pussy,” across the neighborhood. Consequently we found other amusing things about that name.

    1. “Don’t be afraid of Sex, unless she bites or scratches.”
    2. “Hey. Sex is waiting for you, outside that door. Right now.”
    3. “You hurt Sex!”
    4. “Haven’t you been paying any attention to Sex?”
    5. “Is Sex all you think about?”
    6. “How much does Sex weigh?”
    7. “I keep playing with Sex, but she just lays there.”
    8. “I saw Sex running through the house.”
    9. “There’s Sex on the walls.”
    10. “Sex was messy.”
    11. “Wow, there’s Sex toys everywhere.”
    12. “Sex is fast. She was here for only a minute.”
    13. “We got Sex from the Humane Society.”
    14. “Are you interesting in buying Sex?”
    15. “I am not playing with Sex until that poor pussy has had a trim.”
    16. “Having Sex really helps with our mouse infestation.”
    17. “I woke up early, looking for Sex all over the house.”
    18. “You want Sex? Try the litterbox.”
    19. “Don’t open that door! Sex will run away and never come back!”
    20. What would you have yelled to a cat named Sex?

    Hey. We were 18.