What I Learned About Caves from Movies

22 August, 2010Posted inObservations5 Comments
An explosion in a cave, no matter how small the blast, will result in the precise amount of falling rocks needed to just cover the solitary entrance. The rocks will always be small enough to be carried away by hand. Even when there are tens of thousands of bats, the guano will have no affect on air quality. All caves have a three meter ceiling throughout the walkways. All caves have torch sconces on the walls. If they aren't lit when you arrive, you needn't worry. They have plenty of fuel still soaked in them and will blaze with the…

Russell? Seriously?

17 August, 2010Posted inObservations6 Comments
Like many of you, I am addicted to HBO's True Blood. Best. Show. Ever. Certainly the best vampire show. How then, did they come up with the bone-headed scheme of naming a 3,000 year-old vampire king Russell? Seriously? Russell means "red" so I can see the meaning, but seriously. A tri-millenial vampire should surely rank a spookier name than Russell. However, since they feel this name is fitting, and from the storyline, it looks pretty certain that King Russ is going to be offed soon, I have some alternate names for the replacement king: Cuthbert Bubba Joe Billy Bob VI…

Die, Robin. Die.

03 August, 2010Posted inObservations5 Comments
For three years now, I have been attempting to grow grapes. I planted two large vines in Lizz's yard back when we were just friends. Last year, we got engaged and the first three bunches of grapes showed up, only to be devoured by insects a month later. This year, we got married and 42 bunches of grapes appeared! The grapes were beautiful and had just started to turn into a beautiful purple shade when they began disappearing one by one. We have one of those wild, English garden yards that dozens of birds, butterflies and other wildlife like to…

What I Learned About Car Theft from Movies

21 July, 2010Posted inObservations12 Comments
All cars can be hotwired. The first time the wires contact, they will spark. The second contact will always start the car. You'll never steal a car with bad brakes, poor suspension, etc. Stolen cars can jump cliffs, bridges and take impossible turns. Stolen cars never have safety glass. Shooting a criminal's windshield will always kill the driver instantly, causing the vehicle to roll off a cliff into a fireball. Shooting a hero's windshield will cause the glass to spider 14" to the right or left of the driver. When your car is too narrow to fit through a thin…

Awesome vs. Not So Awesome

25 February, 2010Posted inObservations9 Comments
Awesome: Pulling a pair of jeans on, still hot from the dryer on a cold winter's morning. Not So Awesome: The metal button on the jeans is so hot, it sears your abdomen. Awesome: Using TweetDeck to automate Twitter on multiple accounts. Not So Awesome: Posting a highly personal tweet to your work account. Awesome: Watching your cat sit upright like Buddha. Not So Awesome: Realizing your cat just took a dump on your sofa and is sitting in it. Awesome: Putting fake eyebrows on your dog. Even More Awesome:Your fiancée taking pictures of it and posting it here. Photo…

10 Things Women Never Say

26 January, 2010Posted inObservations15 Comments
Do we have to get a puppy? I mean, look at that adorable tarantula! I just nuked a bitch. Your wedding dress is so fuckin' badass. Fuckin'-a right, I'm robbin' a bank! The dishes can wait. You need a lap dance. Cobra hunting? Be still, my heart! You don't have all I can eat. You know what I'd like? Some creepy, single guy to follow me around with an upskirt cam all day. Only 3,600 calories? Supersize that shit! I'll fucking starve on that. Yes, dear. I'm completely satisfied.

Everything I Learned About Homes, I Learned from HGTV

05 January, 2010Posted inObservations16 Comments
If you don't have an island in your kitchen, your home will never sell. Buyers want an island. If you have the wrong kind of island in your kitchen, you'll ruin your home No one will want to buy it. Laminate flooring is a high quality, inexpensive material to give you the look of real tile for less. Laminate floors look cheap and will lower the value of your home. You really should have gone with real tile. Use purple and orange pillows, paired with lots of candles for the look of a plush, Moroccan getaway. The Moroccan look is…