Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • Boob Apron

  • What I Learned About Caves from Movies

    1. An explosion in a cave, no matter how small the blast, will result in the precise amount of falling rocks needed to just cover the solitary entrance. The rocks will always be small enough to be carried away by hand.
    2. Even when there are tens of thousands of bats, the guano will have no affect on air quality.
    3. All caves have a three meter ceiling throughout the walkways.
    4. All caves have torch sconces on the walls. If they aren’t lit when you arrive, you needn’t worry. They have plenty of fuel still soaked in them and will blaze with the slightest spark.
    5. There is always a deep, rushing river in every cave, drinkable and free of E coli.
    6. Masks aren’t needed in movie caves, not even in coal mines. That Black Lung disease is a myth.
    7. All it takes to cover up an abandoned mine is a few rotted planks of wood that are nailed to the very cave itself. They will never be level and there will always be a warning, half washed away in black paint.
    8. It is possible to walk about inside active volcanoes without special outer gear. Remember, you can always outrun lava.
    9. What have you learned about caves from movies?

  • Russell? Seriously?

    Like many of you, I am addicted to HBO’s True Blood. Best. Show. Ever. Certainly the best vampire show. How then, did they come up with the bone-headed scheme of naming a 3,000 year-old vampire king Russell? Seriously? Russell means “red” so I can see the meaning, but seriously. A tri-millenial vampire should surely rank a spookier name than Russell.

    However, since they feel this name is fitting, and from the storyline, it looks pretty certain that King Russ is going to be offed soon, I have some alternate names for the replacement king:

    1. Cuthbert
    2. Bubba Joe Billy Bob VI
    3. Pinkus
    4. Tiny Jim
    5. DJ Toofs
    6. Bingo the Clown
    7. Sunshine Deathray (which is apparently a real name)
    8. Mustafah Jones
    9. Dick Cheney
    10. What would you name the new vampire king?

  • Roller Skate Ninja Attack!

  • Die, Robin. Die.

    For three years now, I have been attempting to grow grapes. I planted two large vines in Lizz’s yard back when we were just friends. Last year, we got engaged and the first three bunches of grapes showed up, only to be devoured by insects a month later. This year, we got married and 42 bunches of grapes appeared!

    The grapes were beautiful and had just started to turn into a beautiful purple shade when they began disappearing one by one. We have one of those wild, English garden yards that dozens of birds, butterflies and other wildlife like to hang out in, so it was anyone’s guess whose stomach they were ending up in.

    Grapes are stating to ripen

    Then we saw him. A scraggly, fucking teenage Robin was hopping onto our pergola and snatching grapes. I didn’t believe it when my wife told me. Then I saw the bastard firsthand, sitting on our fence, grape in mouth. If beaks could smirk, then this one did. He cocked his concrete-grey head at me, swallowed the grape and flew off.

    Two days later, he had eaten 90% of the grapes. I saw him sitting in the neighbor’s yard, waiting for me to leave so he could continue his life of crime. I threw a tennis ball at him and nicked a feather. He didn’t flinch. He just started chirping loudly, flew overhead and dropped a huge pile of shit near my head (I saw it coming and moved). The next morning, every grape was gone and our porch had so much bird shit, you’d swear kids were playing paint ball with bird droppings.

    I don’t know much about trapping birds, but I do know one thing. One way or another, that red-breast is going down.

  • English Swear Words

    Link via misterarthur, who is not a son of of beach.

  • Space Girl Dance

    You know. It’s Casual Friday, and all.

  • What I Learned About Car Theft from Movies

    1. All cars can be hotwired. The first time the wires contact, they will spark. The second contact will always start the car.
    2. You’ll never steal a car with bad brakes, poor suspension, etc. Stolen cars can jump cliffs, bridges and take impossible turns.
    3. Stolen cars never have safety glass.
    4. Shooting a criminal’s windshield will always kill the driver instantly, causing the vehicle to roll off a cliff into a fireball. Shooting a hero’s windshield will cause the glass to spider 14″ to the right or left of the driver.
    5. When your car is too narrow to fit through a thin European alley, leaning to the side will angle the car upward on the passenger-side wheels only.
    6. When you steal a car, no matter how intense the security or parking regulations, there will always be a parking space out front.
    7. Wht have you learned about car theft from movies?

  • Game Over

    Link via chocolate razor

  • Awesome vs. Not So Awesome

    Awesome: Pulling a pair of jeans on, still hot from the dryer on a cold winter’s morning.
    Not So Awesome: The metal button on the jeans is so hot, it sears your abdomen.

    Awesome: Using TweetDeck to automate Twitter on multiple accounts.
    Not So Awesome: Posting a highly personal tweet to your work account.

    Awesome: Watching your cat sit upright like Buddha.
    Not So Awesome: Realizing your cat just took a dump on your sofa and is sitting in it.

    Awesome: Putting fake eyebrows on your dog.
    Even More Awesome:Your fiancée taking pictures of it and posting it here.

    Bennie
    Photo by ChocolateRazor

  • 10 Things Women Never Say

    1. Do we have to get a puppy? I mean, look at that adorable tarantula!
    2. I just nuked a bitch.
    3. Your wedding dress is so fuckin’ badass.
    4. Fuckin’-a right, I’m robbin’ a bank!
    5. The dishes can wait. You need a lap dance.
    6. Cobra hunting? Be still, my heart!
    7. You don’t have all I can eat.
    8. You know what I’d like? Some creepy, single guy to follow me around with an upskirt cam all day.
    9. Only 3,600 calories? Supersize that shit! I’ll fucking starve on that.
    10. Yes, dear. I’m completely satisfied.

  • 10 Words Men Never Use

    1. Merriment
    2. Cherish
    3. Giddy
    4. Scrumptious
    5. Sparkly
    6. Vag
    7. Toodles
    8. Precious
    9. Pocketbook
    10. Slacks

    What words would you add to this list?