A day in the life of God

4:30 AM Alarm goes off. Hit snooze twice.

4:48 AM Drag feet out of bed. Trip over Catholic martyrs who have been groveling at feet all night.

4:51 AM Wait for morning erection to subside.

4:59 AM Take a pee over North America. Giggle as Canadians mistake it for acid rain again.

5:12 AM Take shower. Runoff water floods small Pacific Island. Oops.

6:02 AM Scrub back with a 90 foot loofah. Skin flakes fall over starving Ethiopians who mistake them for manna.

8:33 AM Got the hiccups. Americans mistakenly assume the sound is from North Korean bomb tests and send a pre-emptive strike on Kim Jong Il.

12:30 PM Went out for sushi. Had 6 Blue Whale Rolls and Giant Squid Sashimi.

2:14 PM Moved some Cretaceous fossils to the Devonian strata to mess with the paleontologists again. April Fools!

5:10 PM Overheard skeptics doubting my existence again. Decide to appear in a cloud over St. Petersburg and on a piece of roti in New Delhi.

6:19 PM Still peeved about skeptics. Create only one specimen of a new species of talking jellyfish. Place it in poor fisherman’s net. Arrange for it to die five minutes before camera crews arrive.

8:59 PM Write a new “missing gospel” and bury it in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

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Show 21 Comments

21 Comments

  1. Spud

    Jesus Mary & Joeseph! whatever will the neighbours think?

  2. Mandy

    Thank [god] he didn’t scratch his balls 😕

  3. Wil

    “Moved some Cretaceous fossils to the Devonian strata to mess with the paleontologists again.”
    Brilliant, Dave.

  4. 9:03pm Afternoon sushi causing late evening flatulence. Gas causes stir in atlantic resulting in hurricanes that wipe out the entire state of Florida.

  5. 8:00 PM Poker Night with Buddha, Allah, Yaweh, Jim Jones, and David Koresh. :dead:

    :java:

  6. Poofles

    😀 Merth! that was awesome!

  7. ladybug

    ummm…only problem i see is that women don’t have morning erections

  8. Oh I wasn’t writing about REAL God, Ladybug; just the cartoon version in the OT.

  9. CJ

    11:05 A.M. Saturday— Send Jehovah Witnesses by Dave’s Place. Have a good laugh

  10. CJ

    In response to Ladybugs comment about women don’t have mornig erections. I agree especially the ugly ones.

  11. mikeB

    12:10 Take a dump. California sinks into the Pacific. :dead:

  12. Esther

    Word up, ladybug.:kiss:

  13. That was brilliant! I give that post :undies::undies::undies::undies::undies:

    😆

    Blue

  14. Just like me, the Almighty just doesn’t have time to take a dump…

    😈

  15. God

    Jaysus Christ! That was fucken hilarious!

  16. TinaMarie

    Wonder what God does between 8:33am and 12:30pm?

    He watches Maury Povich, Montel Williams, and Jerry Springer.

    Proof positive that God has a sense of humor.

  17. SomethingWitty

    The other day a friend of mine said “if god exists he’s a motherfucker” …i tend to agree

  18. Spud

    It was pretty bloody funny anyhow.

    7 vstars Dave

    😀

  19. God (Ethanael)

    Whacking off in the ocean and laughing as people thought it was a new sea bacteria. That’s what I was doing between 8:33 and 12:30.

Comments are closed