Year: 2014
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Hipster Jokes (before they go mainstream)
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: You wouldn’t know. It’s a really obscure number. Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: Force her into the mainstream. Q: What unit do you use to weigh hipsters? A: Instagrams. Q: How do you kill a hipster? A: Stab him…
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The Contents of Our Pug’s Stomach
We have a fat, old pug named Bennie. He’ll be 14 years old this year, so we don’t really give him shit about being husky. I’ve heard that Pugs cannot eat chocolate. That it’s poisonous to them. No one sent that memo to Bennie. He’s eaten chocolate, literally by the pound. He’s also eaten a…
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My Asshole Cats
My Asshole Cats …Refuse to chase their toys until I’m in 4th stage REM sleep. …Only get nauseous when the floor is clean. And only on the hardwood. …Are responsible for 99% of all poltergeist activity in the lower 48 states. …Inform me their claws need trimming when they are sitting on my crotch. …Allow…
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I have a quwestion
Thank you for your patience! Your AT&T Representative will be with you shortly. Welcome! You are now chatting with ‘Vanessa‘ Vanessa: Hi David, Thanks for chatting, let me help you with your concern Dave: thank you Vanessa: Your welcome! Dave: You’re, not your. Vanessa: I’m not sure what you mean. Dave: You wrote “Your welcome”,…
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Redneck Death or Innovation?
If it seems contrary to common sense, you’re either about to die a redneck death, or have an innovative breakthrough. —Davezilla
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My daughter follows the Pope on Twitter
Letting my 10 month-old girl play on my laptop. She manages to call up Pope Francis’ Twitter page and turn off the TV.
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Shiny Coat
I caught my 10 month-old gnawing on our Pug’s Busy Bone. On the plus side, at least she’ll have a shiny coat.
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My easily attainable 2014 New Years Resolutions
I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them. I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year. I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic. Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly…
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