Hospital Fun

Naughty Nurse

  1. Ask your nurse for some apple juice. Pour it into a urine specimen jar. Nonchalantly walk down the aisles, sipping it.
  2. After an operation on [some body part], wake up from the anesthesia and ask, “So how is my [unrelated body part]?”
  3. Schedule gurney races down the hallways of ER. Try to beat EMTs with critical patients. Bonus points for having racing stripes, flames or real exhaust.
  4. Ask the nurse for a cocktail umbrella and fruit for your urine sample. You know, to make it look Klassy.
  5. When you wake up from anesthesia, pretend to speak a different language. Look at everyone as evil foreigners.
  6. Scream down the hallways that “They’ve taken my liver! I went to a party and woke up here, with no liver.”
  7. If the nurse gives you a choice for lunch, ask if they have Soylent Green.

On Golden Shower Pond

I recently had my full physical examination from the doctor. All is well, although one comment from the nurse threw me a little. “We need a urine sample. Take this cup to the bathroom and hold it under the urine stream.” Had she used ‘your’ in place of ‘the’, I might not had noticed.

As a result, while I peed, I imagined being under the urine stream as a happy place, a fairytale land with dew-lit butterflies and gamboling elves. Perhaps even a poem. Under the Urine Stream, by Walt Whitman. Rime of the Ancient Uriner, by Coleridge.

And why must it be a stream? What if you had a raging urine river? Here’s some other titles I thought up as I held my cup under the urine stream.

  1. The Babbling Urine Brook
  2. Noah’s Ark and the Urine Flood
  3. A Tribute to the Urine Tributary
  4. The Quiet Urine Creek
  5. The Urine Well
  6. Sailing the Urine Seas
  7. The Fountain of Urine
  8. Ten Days Alone: Yellow-Water Rafting in Colorado
  9. And I cannot resist, On Golden Pond
  10. What titles can you come up with?

Watch where you shake that thing!

This is a post for the gentlemen. Brothers, it’s time for a lesson in etiquette. As longtime author of Manly Tips for Bachelor Living and creator of the best-selling calendar of the same name, I feel I have at least a modicum of authority.

Please, please, for the love of God. If you’re at the urinal, put the damn cellphone down and use at least one hand to keep things under control. Some of us prefer to attend meetings without a urine shower, and I’m quite certain your listener could wait another 60 seconds.