What I Learned from Movies XIV: Military Movies

  • Holding up a fist will instantly stop an entire army dead in their tracks.
  • Any time bullets are shot at you in slow motion, you can avoid them (in slow motion) by leaning way back until your spine is almost broken. Hover in this position for several seconds until the bullet-time effect has ended.
  • Make a ‘V’ with your index and middle finger. Now point them at your eyes, then your fellow soldiers’ eyes. This alerts them to use vision instead of their sense of smell to navigate streets and tunnels.
  • The enemy can’t smell lit cigars due to their inferior, foreign senses, so by all means, smoke up!
  • After you’ve used up your clip, you can safely throw your weapon to the ground in favor of a handgun. The army doesn’t mind you throwing away M16s. They have thousands more laying about.
  • Covering oneself in mud will drop the body temperature enough to fool aliens and thermographic registers, but won’t cause hydrothermia.

Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

  1. Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer.
  2. Virginity protects you from serial killers.
  3. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim.
  4. Heroes’ handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals’ handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes.
  5. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting.
  6. The first hot woman to appear onscreen in any spy movie is the double agent.
  7. All cars will explode into fireballs when rolling over a cliff or hill. It’s simple physics.
  8. Spaceships make lots of noise, despite the vacuum of space.
  9. Heat-seeking missiles turn on a dime. They’re more nimble in the air than a Ruby-Throated Hummingbird.
  10. What have you learned from movies?