What I Learned About Car Theft from Movies

  1. All cars can be hotwired. The first time the wires contact, they will spark. The second contact will always start the car.
  2. You’ll never steal a car with bad brakes, poor suspension, etc. Stolen cars can jump cliffs, bridges and take impossible turns.
  3. Stolen cars never have safety glass.
  4. Shooting a criminal’s windshield will always kill the driver instantly, causing the vehicle to roll off a cliff into a fireball. Shooting a hero’s windshield will cause the glass to spider 14″ to the right or left of the driver.
  5. When your car is too narrow to fit through a thin European alley, leaning to the side will angle the car upward on the passenger-side wheels only.
  6. When you steal a car, no matter how intense the security or parking regulations, there will always be a parking space out front.
  7. Wht have you learned about car theft from movies?

What I Learned from Movies: Car Chases

  1. All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind’s will… and driving skills.
  2. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street without OSHA-approved gear. It is rumored that the glass industry is in a slump, and employees are required to listen to police radios for possible police chases. This gives them ample opportunity to sue for exorbitant insurance claims.
  3. All car car chases will at some point, venture through a narrow alley requiring drivers to either turn their cars at an angle to continue, or fire a Glock 27 at a dumpster, turning it into a single-use ramp.
  4. At some point, it will be necessary to drive at top speed on a crowded sidewalk, preferably through an outdoor café. The patrons of the café—their senses heightened by espresso and Brésiliennes—have cat-like reflexes and will roll and flip away from the oncoming vehicles with an agility that would put an Olympic gymnast to shame.
  5. Another omen appearing in the typical car chase is the elderly woman or blind man who crosses the street painfully slow, but timed perfectly to avoid being hit. These are in fact, large squirrels in the guise of old women.
  6. Midway through a car chase, the driver may tire of the drudgery of street after endless street and decide to off-road it a bit. There are two globally-approved methods of signaling to the other driver that it’s time for some unpaved action:
    1. Veer off the freeway unexpectedly on the one section of road where the embankment is missing
    2. Using the top of a parking structure as a ramp and careening into space. Best to land neatly on solid ground without damaging the suspension or breaking a tie rod.
  7. Leaning back in your seat will prevent you from being hit by enemy gunfire, as will ducking for a split second. Car doors are impervious to rounds up to .50 caliber and hand-held grenades.
  8. Audis are the fastest cars known to man and have up to 37 forward gears. They can and should be used in the War Against Terror, as they can withstand more abuse than an M1A Abrams tank.
  9. Crime-lords sitting in the rear seat of a vehicle can—and will—be shot to death during a high-speed pursuit. Attractive women in the same seat will miraculously escape unscathed. Something to do with the weight of their breasts counterbalancing the fabric of their slender, strapless gowns and the ratio of how much sheen their hair has. I think. It’s all very scientific.
  10. But the most important thing of all: no matter how old or smashed up the vehicle, brakes never fail in a car chase.

What have you learned from car chases in movies?


OK, dear readers. I am putting together a list and want your help. The few thousand of you who loyally read this site should have enough collective experience to make this happen. I’ve been fascinated by how each car and truck that has a cult-ish following has a nickname made up for it that all the owners know. For example, you all know Corvettes are called Vettes and Mini Coopers are called Minis or Coops, but did you know Ferraris are called Pony Cars? Subarus are called Scubbys? GTOs are Goats?

So that’s what I’m making a list of and if you know of any, add it to the comments so I can have the definitive list which I will make freely available to everyone once it’s done.

  1. Chevy Cobalt: Balt or C-Balt
  2. Pontiac GTO: Goat
  3. Porsche: P-Car
  4. Ferrari: Pony Car
  5. Subaru: Scubby
  6. Mini Cooper: Mini or Coop
  7. Please add any you know in the comments. Thanks!

Rejected names for cars

  1. Dodge Battering Ram
  2. BMW 325,000,000
  3. Mercedes Hahaha peasant
  4. Audi, Pardner
  5. Ford Vehicle
  6. Cadillac Emperor
  7. Subaru Hippie Chick
  8. Mercury Expectation
  9. Buick Potentate
  10. Lexus Cougar
  11. Pontiac International Man of Mystery
  12. Saturn Zeus
  13. VW Hipster
  14. Chrysler Going out of Business Sale
  15. Saab Story
  16. Jeep BBQ
  17. Toyota Soccer Mom
  18. Porsche Paprika
  19. Jaguar Commoner
  20. Hummer MILF

Written with help of the indomitable misterarthur

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