My easily attainable 2014 New Years Resolutions


I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them.

  1. I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year.
  2. I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic.
  3. Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand.
  4. I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation.
  5. I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter’s hair in place.
  6. I resolve not to punch a Great White Shark in the face.
  7. But I do resolve to throat-punch anyone who plays What Does Fox The Say in my vicinity.
  8. I resolve not to learn Hungarian this year.
  9. I resolve not to vote for Rob Ford.

TV Shows I’d Like to See

  • America’s Got Two and a Half Men
  • Barefoot Contessa Hunters
  • VH1’s Top 100 Sexiest Bigfoot Videos
  • It’s Always Sunny in the First 48 Monsters Inside Me
  • Real Ghost Hunters of Beverly Hills
  • Property Virgins: Criminal Intent
  • Hillbilly Confidential
  • Agents of South Park
  • Ancient Aliens of Atlanta
  • How I Met Your Moonshiner
  • Man vs. Teen Mom