You dick!

You dick!I don’t know what’s with kids these days.

A young girl approaches me as I am working at my laptop at Starbucks. She tells me she is in second grade and would I like to buy some candy bars for her school.

Me: “Sure, how much are they?”
Girl: “They three dollar each or three for five.”
Me: “OK. I just want two though. Can I pay for three and just take two?”
Girl: “You dick! You got money for yo’ fuckin’ coffee. Dick! Buy three. I gots to get rid of these!”

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  1. Turtles, Turtles… rah rah rah…
    Turtles, Turtles… hah hah hah…
    Mmm… I love Turtles!

    uhhh… you dick! Buy THREE!

  2. You should have just replied:

    “Be not impatient in delay,
    But wait as one who understands;
    When spirit rises and commands,
    The gods are ready to obey.”

    Her reaction would have made it quite clear the quality of education she receives at the school that’s going to get your five dollars.

  3. AnnieB

    That’s so sad. You couldn’t just give her a fiver and STFU. Noooooo, you had to go and complicate things. Dick! 🙁

  4. StevieC

    I hate to tell you this Dave, but she wasn’t collecting for her school, she was collecting for the FCHA. The Future Crack Ho of America club.

  5. Second grade vocabulary has expanded over the years.

  6. Anyone old enough to call me a dick is old enough to learn what “No Solicitation” means.

  7. StevieC

    [Comment ID #206567 will be quoted here]

    She probably won’t get charged with solicitation for another 5 years or so.

  8. Dave you are such a dick. Didn’t you see her pimp standing at the door?

    I iz shore dat bitch caught the backside of hiz hand fo sho. Weez call dat da 5 knuckle shuffle dawg.

    1 for $3 or 3 for $5? Ninja PLEASE.


  9. First rule of parenting : Don’t reward bad behavior.

    “Ma’am, in that case I changed my mind. No. I am not interested in the school you represent, I am not interested in the candy, and I am no longer interested in you. But I will be generous. I am also not interested in filing criminal charges against you for soliciting or for assault. But do leave me before I call the police, then the manager of the store.”

  10. When did the Teamsters start organizing the school candy sales. Next she would’ve said ” Now I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse…….” :wtf:

  11. StevieC

    Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve had a 3 for 5 deal.

  12. The youth of today could use more civility and grace. To be courtious and respectful. To create peace and harmony. Even if I have to bitch slap them from here until tuesday

  13. Fleetwood

    So much for, “No Child Left Behind”.
    Video of the Day-Funny…I learned how to run a motel when I was in India.

    A vending-machine dress, the brainchild of clothing designer Aya Tsukioka, could offer a woman walking alone a way to elude pursuers.
    *doncha think a walking vending machine would attract more attention?*

    Me: You’re right, and since I am a dick, I think instead of giving you $5 I’ll keep this money for my fucking coffee, thank you. Now run along.

  15. chainstay

    [Comment ID #206572 will be quoted here]

    And then the nice little girl pulled out her nine, drilled Dave in the chest four times then one in the back of the head as a parting gift. “I ain’t gettin sent fo no mufikin candy bars, you dick!”

  16. Just take the candy, Dave. I think she’s packing heat in that little purse of hers. :wtf:

  17. [Comment ID #206630 will be quoted here]

    :twisted:Around my neighborhood, $20 will get you 1/2 and 1/2! :wang: :boob: :boob: :wtf:

  18. scamper

    stupid ho, coulda had a candy bar for herself. maybe the school needed the money for smarter teachers.

  19. Flash Gordon

    A good argument for forced sterilization. ❗ 😕 :wtf: 😈

  20. Dave were you just trying to fuck with her in the first place or did you have a good reason for not taking the third candy bar and saving it for later ?
    Anyway if it were me when she mouthed off I would have said well you just lost any sale to me kid now get the FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

    [Comment ID #206656 will be quoted here]

    Hell Ya Pablo Juan Pablo but these days parents go to jail for raising their children RIGHT .

    Urban Camo
    I just want to know does the coin slut…er um coin slot work ?

  21. Spud

    [Comment ID #206572 will be quoted here]

    Correct response


    “Fuck off you skanky haired little bitch before I drop kick you out of my fucking face”

    either one works for me.

  22. Kristi

    Damn, why didn’t I think of that approach when I had to do all those damn band fundraisers?

  23. You’re lucky she didn’t cap you, Mr. Zilla. On the east side, we just give them money and refuse to take any candy. Occasionally, you’ll see kids trying to flog 5-year old (the ink’s practically worn off the wrappers) Milky Ways or, even more ominously, Morleys “chocolate” bars.

  24. [Comment ID #207019 will be quoted here]

    Where you a band geek and are the band camp storys true :boob: :wang: :boob: :thong: 😛

  25. Lois

    [Comment ID #207047 will be quoted here]

    Over on the west side in the People’s Republic of Treetown, those would have to be 100% organic chocolate bars, hand-dipped by Brazillian nuns and packaged locally in biodegradable paper with the proceeds helping really poor families in Africa, not spoiled, potty-mouth, inner-city American children.

  26. Drusky

    Just think, in a few years she will have graduated from selling Turtles to selling her Mounds for alot more money…

    Dave, did you go outside to see if her thin, skanky, track-marked crack whore mom was waiting around the corner to beat her if she didn’t come back with the money? 😈

  27. Drusky

    [Comment ID #207155 will be quoted here]

    You mean the ones involving girls who played the flute?

  28. Kristi

    [Comment ID #207155 will be quoted here]

    I wasn’t really a band geek, I played violin in the orchestra but we were always recruited to raise money for the band geeks so they could do fun stuff like go to Disneyland.

    I got mine. My sister played flute…and what she don’t know won’t hurt me. :mrgreen:

  29. [Comment ID #207498 will be quoted here]

    Do we really need to split hairs, after all isn’t an orchestra just a glorified band…besides I was just fishing for a juicy sex story with details.

    Mistress Darla Kristi wont share.
    By the way do you discipline tattle tales 😛

  30. Spud

    Read between the lines Driver…

  31. julesOdeNile

    where upon her verbal responce would have been “you Diiick! stop talking funny and buy one you Dick!..!

  32. julesOdeNile

    and isn’t it encouraging to see how these fair ones are oh so assertive? the future hath yet some hope…

  33. julesOdeNile

    Ninja Whaaaat?

  34. Chris S

    Wow. That’s all I can think…. Wow.

    See what you get for being charitable Dave? Buying less to give the kids MORE and that is the thanks you get. The real :wang: here is education. I hate that guy!

  35. [Comment ID #207653 will be quoted here]

    I did Spud , Thats why I want details. 😈

  36. [Comment ID #207498 will be quoted here]

    [Comment ID #207627 will be quoted here]

    Yes, Kristi, tell more! As the dominatrix of this site, I demand you tell us your kinky tales from band camp! Of course, any kinky tales will do around here. 😈

  37. Well, let me tell you a thing or two.
    This one time in band camp, at night everyone had a “gummie bear fight”. We woke up with gummie bears in places we didn’t think gummie bears would ever be!
    We also frequented the waterfall in the chilly afternoons and the girls “napped” with their heads in the laps of the boys during storytime. 😈

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