Taste the friendly skies

picture shows a fat, wheezing man in an aisle seatSome among us are fated to spend our airline hours trapped between the blinding light of the window seat and the searing, fetid breath of the fat, wheezing man in the aisle seat. I am one so fated.

His wheezing was the typical sort one would expect from an asthmatic charged with sprinting up 17 flights of stairs with an armload of fresh firewood. However he was in full slovenly recline and the wheezing showed no signs of letting up.

Let me share with you, my breakfast. First class is still afforded a meal of sorts. We, the elite, gold-card, world-perk havin’ travelers were offered a breakfast sandwich, which we were led to believe would be—in some way—edible.

It was my understanding that a sandwich should contain at least two slices of bread (or a wrap), and a safe, nontoxic filling. Northwest Airlines has other opinions on this. Theirs is prepared according to a precise medieval recipe for poisoning stepmothers.

The Secret Recipe
Two pieces of stale Wonderbreadâ„¢ are frugally stuffed with yellow reindeer moss disguised as scrambled eggs. The moss is heated to a moderate burn as diced, green Legosâ„¢ are liberally sprinkled in for color.

Then there’s the fruit plate. It is a miracle of culinary science that pineapple chunks can be made to taste like Arctic cod, but our chefs at Northwest have mastered the secret. Kudos to you, NWA!

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  1. TinaMarie

    That is not a man. That is what you become when you eat too much reindeer moss and green legos. :wtf:

    btw, Dave–if you think sitting next to him was bad, try flying from Cleveland to Phoenix with a baby in your lap while squeezed between your sick husband and a fetid Swede who decides he should put his head on your shoulder and take a little nap–for 4 hours.

    Quod erat demonstrandum…or something like that.

  2. I got stuck on Greyhound bus from Denver to Omaha with a three hundred pound guy in the window seat, and part of the aisle seat.

    I was only afforded one ass cheek worth of space.

    It was a hellish ride.

  3. Spud

    Funny as all hell dave, I especialy liked the secret recipe, nice touch.

    Your travel agent needs a stern talking to.

    Might I suggest NWA needs a copy of the above…

  4. Raina

    Thank you Kismet, for reawakening a dreadful buried greyhound memory of my own. Boarding at 11pm, San Francisco to Seattle, last seat on the bus. The man was built like a linebacker – I’m not good with sizes, but I recall at the time being struck by the idea that I’d never before seen legs that truly resembled tree trunks – and he had a full head of dreads which took up more space than his legs. Most delightful of all though was the hardcore gangster rap I could hear every word of through his headphones all night long. By 7am we were joined by 3 hicks, two of whom found out they were doing the same dude they boarded the bus with, about 5 minutes after they got on. Comedy and drama ensued! Many threats were issued to his manhood and he departed – did I say departed? I meant the bus driver threatened to call the cops – , leaving the two lovely ladies as the best of friends, now united in blessed bitterness.

    Now that I’ve recalled that terrific day, this one can only be wonderful in comparison, yay!

  5. Hmm. What’s worse, green and crunchy or green and slimey? *ponders* :dead:

  6. Just something that the people at LEGO have asked all of us to do, to refer to the pieces as “Lego” toys, or “Lego” bricks, or “Lego” pieces.

    Exactly WHICH pieces were served up in this show of gastronomy?

  7. cliche

    Stop complaining: If you’ve ever been next to a really stinky one, you’ll appreciate how good you had it with the big noisy one.

  8. Making fun of pregnant people isn’t nice.:evil:

  9. Kimberly

    :dead: Oh I hate that. I don’t think it’s fair that because I can fit in my seat with some room to spare, that other peeople get to inch (or foot?) over into it. Yuck.

    I read a thing where they were going to have extra large travelers whose girth was larger across than the seat width, purchase 2 tickets for 2 seats. That would be fair, I guess.

    Except: They always make a stink about putting the armrest for ddeparture and arrival. HOW the heck will someone sitting in 2 seats manage that? And: I don’t think you can sit in 2 seats like that anyway…they are built for one and they are not you know, a love seat.

    Whatever. Blech, though.

  10. The armrest is a bit of a conundrum Kimberly, as is the seat belt issue. How do they get a seatbelt to stretch around their belly to their other buckle? Bit of a safety issue for them.

  11. The question is, if the Northwest plane crashes in the Rockies and you’re stranded for a few weeks, do you eat the airline food or the dead passegers first?
    Old Wheezer looks as if he has plenty of spare meat on him, and if the crash doesn’t kill him, well you can always finish him off when nobody’s looking.

  12. yeah, NWA has been going downhill for a long time. Fly Delta, I know they’re in trouble with money, but you still get treated nicely and first class is really really nice on the bigger flights.

  13. RaeVynn

    Oh, so you have flown NWA. I’m sorry.

    All I’ve ever been offered on their flights was some sort of BBQ chicken “sandwich”… frightening stuff.

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