A hacker wearing a hoodie in a dark room. He is working on a retro laptop.

What I Learned About Computer Security From Movies

15 February, 2023Posted inOriginal Humor
Computer security is a subject that, with the sole exception of Mr. Robot, has never been portrayed realistically on movies or television. You can simply type sudo: Give me the answer now!. The password is always a personal item on the criminal mastermind's desk. If the password doesn't work, you can always yell the word, "Override!" at the PC and it will ignore all advanced computer security protocols. Hacking into government systems only takes 30 seconds. And once you’re in, you have to loudly announce, “I’m in!” to everyone in the room. Once in, someone from the other side is…

What I Learned from Movies, XV: Cop-Out Answers

12 October, 2012Posted inOriginal Humor2 Comments
One thing I really hate? Unacceptable answers to cover a weak plot or to justify why a character can do a certain thing. The second and third Matrix movies are notorious for covering plot gaps with lines that at first listen sound like they could be deep—then you remember that these are movies with Keanu Reeves as a savior figure. Maybe it's a childhood thing of hating when my mother always said, "Because I said so, that's why!" but I really dislike copout answers. Here's some that appear in multiple films that have irked me greatly. "How do you know…

What I Learned from Movies XIV: Military Movies

22 June, 2012Posted inOriginal Humor1 Comment
Holding up a fist will instantly stop an entire army dead in their tracks. Any time bullets are shot at you in slow motion, you can avoid them (in slow motion) by leaning way back until your spine is almost broken. Hover in this position for several seconds until the bullet-time effect has ended. Make a 'V' with your index and middle finger. Now point them at your eyes, then your fellow soldiers' eyes. This alerts them to use vision instead of their sense of smell to navigate streets and tunnels. The enemy can't smell lit cigars due to their…

What I Learned About Caves from Movies

22 August, 2010Posted inObservations5 Comments
An explosion in a cave, no matter how small the blast, will result in the precise amount of falling rocks needed to just cover the solitary entrance. The rocks will always be small enough to be carried away by hand. Even when there are tens of thousands of bats, the guano will have no affect on air quality. All caves have a three meter ceiling throughout the walkways. All caves have torch sconces on the walls. If they aren't lit when you arrive, you needn't worry. They have plenty of fuel still soaked in them and will blaze with the…

What I Learned About Car Theft from Movies

21 July, 2010Posted inObservations12 Comments
All cars can be hotwired. The first time the wires contact, they will spark. The second contact will always start the car. You'll never steal a car with bad brakes, poor suspension, etc. Stolen cars can jump cliffs, bridges and take impossible turns. Stolen cars never have safety glass. Shooting a criminal's windshield will always kill the driver instantly, causing the vehicle to roll off a cliff into a fireball. Shooting a hero's windshield will cause the glass to spider 14" to the right or left of the driver. When your car is too narrow to fit through a thin…

What I Learned from Movies: Car Chases

27 December, 2009Posted inObservations14 Comments
All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind's will… and driving skills. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street without OSHA-approved gear. It is rumored that the glass industry is in a slump, and employees are required to listen to police radios for possible police chases. This gives them ample opportunity to sue for…

Things I Learned from Movies: Vampires

06 June, 2009Posted inOriginal Humor21 Comments
They never check a vampire for ID Likewise, no one asks child vampire why they aren't in school The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) never seems to notice that vampires are about 2,000 years too old to drive. Oh wait, they OWN the DMVs. Vampires exist by hard and fast rules. Once you turn, that's it. Unless you're in love with a good-looking human. Then you can return to the living by being nice. Becoming a vampire isn't like a tattoo where it's there forever. You can opt out. Just kill the lead vampire, and you can go back to…

Things I Learned from Movies, Police Chiefs

24 May, 2009Posted inObservations14 Comments
All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers. Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass, and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease them with offerings of stale donuts and old coffee. Police Chiefs don a mandatory wardrobe consisting of black trousers and a white, striped dress shirt with one silver pen in the pocket and a black necktie. There are no exceptions to this rule. Police Chiefs…

Things I Learned from Sports Movies

29 January, 2009Posted inObservations21 Comments
Every sports movie will have an ‘80s sound track, no matter what decade it was produced in. The raspy singer will over-stretch his limited vocal range on the chorus causing the local bat population to go into estrus. The keyboards will feature default Casio sounds that are barely audible under the wailing guitar pyrotechnics. A down-and-out, last-place team can always be rallied into first place in one season by the simple addition of one player with a winning attitude. The local last place team will have facilities worse than those in most federal penitentiaries. A has-been great player can always…

Things I Learned from Movies, Ninjas

17 January, 2009Posted inObservations9 Comments
Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires. Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained. Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes. Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better at Ninjitsu than the 80 year-old Japanese masters who taught them. Ninja clans can hold grudges longer than the Middle East. Ninjas frequently hold practice sessions in abandoned New York warehouses that somehow still have electricity, but no rat or roach problems. Ninjas inevitably meet…