One President to Rule them All

08 October, 2008Posted inObservations25 Comments
Wow, I should have posted more drinking rules for last night's Presidential debate. We could have been hammered from the following observations: One beer every time McCain said "My preciousssssss, I mean, my friennnnds." One beer every time Obama ran over the one minute speaking limit One beer every time McCain hunched over and slunk around in the dark using his nocturnal vision to find blind cave fish. One beer every time Obama said "I have to correct the Senator" One beer every time McCain tried to steal the One Ring of Power back from his Master One beer every…

VP Debate Drinking Rules

02 October, 2008Posted inAnnouncements, Observations37 Comments
Tonight is the debate between Vice Presidential nominees, Sarah Palin (R) and Joe Biden (D). It promises to be a bloodbath. Let's all establish some drinking rules. Please add any I've missed: Debate Drinking Rule #1: 1 beer every time they interrupt each other. Debate Drinking Rule #2: 1 beer every time she mentions hockey, lipstick or pitbulls Debate Drinking Rule #3: 1 beer every time Biden's eyebrows grow exponentially wider Debate Drinking Rule #4: 1 beer every time Biden accuses Palin of smoking crack Debate Drinking Rule #5: 3 beers every time McCain butts in and answers for Palin…

Horseshit?

28 September, 2008Posted inObservations26 Comments
Some influential bloggers have been wafting back and forth as to whether or not McCain said "horseshit" live during the debates. I am offering up some possibilities. Listen to the audio yourself and decide then leave your translation in the comments, puh-leeeze. Horschack Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego Horse Radish Whore's tit Hoary Marmot Attention Whore Morse Code A horse is a horse, of course, of course Palin's Lipstick What do you think McCain is actually saying?

Gumbolaya

25 September, 2008Posted inAnnouncements, Observations29 Comments
Me: "May I have a cup of corn chowder with that?" Waitress: "We don't have the chowder today. We have Chili and Gumbolaya." Me: "Gumbo-laya? Did you mean Gumbo or Jambalaya?" Waitress: "Yes, Gumbolaya." [Lizz stares across the table at me, wide-eyed] Me: "OK, I'll try some, if only to see what it is." [Waitress brings a cup of what is clearly just gumbo.] Waitress: "How's that Gumbolaya tasting?" Me: "A lot like gumbo."

Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

16 September, 2008Posted inObservations, Original Humor52 Comments
Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer. Virginity protects you from serial killers. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim. Heroes' handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals' handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting. The first…