Identifying the birds of Detroit

Identifying the birds of Detroit
Kildeer

The Common Kildeer

A bird most of us have seen in the open fields or oddly enough, hanging out in construction sites. Kildeers are known for two things:

  1. Their slightly annoying cry which seems to begin at 4am on the first day of spring and continue nonstop until mid-January the following year when the damn things’ vocal chords freeze over.
  2. The “wounded wing” act, wherein the male will fake an old football injury in the hopes that you will follow him to the nearest late-night clinic that accepts his HMO. It rarely works as most people know that Kildeers generally have full coverage PPO insurance.



Detroit Kildeer

The Detroit Kildeer

Detroit Kildeers take a different tactic. The male tries his familiar wounded wing act with one difference: he really is wounded, having been carjacked on Joy Road and the Southfield Fwy. Meanwhile his accomplices wait nearby with guns. They rob the victim at gunpoint or carjack him and make for the Canadian border. This is rarely successful and they are generally caught at a party store in downtown Detroit with cash and seven bags of pork rinds.

9 Replies to “Identifying the birds of Detroit”

  1. At least the Kildeers only carry guns. Anywhere there’s a roadrunner around here, there’s always a pile of dynamite to go with it.

  2. Dave–I’ve never been to Detroit, so I’ve never seen this particular brand of bird. Do they always stack two-up like that, or is this particular pair actually another sub-species: the Detroit Butt-f&cking Kildeer?

  3. After they get out of jail from being caught robbing. Theres millions to make by rapping about it. 💡

  4. Funny stuff, Dave, funny stuff. That whole wounded wing of part 2 really cracked me up.

    There’s another name for the Detroit Killdeer, the bird formerly known as the Motor City Glock. 😈

  5. Forking hilarious. Interestingly, I hear the Kildeers of 7 mile prefer to pretend they’re going to wash your windscreen before they stick their beaks in through the window and peck you to death.

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