How to drive in winter

  1. Always have an ample supply of junk food at hand
  2. Be mindful of other drivers
  3. Use turn signals frequently
  4. Play restful music to soothe nerves

When weather worsens:

  1. Begin furiously slamming down junk food, especially those little Hershey’s Miniatures
  2. Remember that other drivers are not as important as you are
  3. Use horn frequently and accelerate to the drier lane as quickly as possible
  4. Remove CD after hearing it four times. Hurl into back seat with great force
  5. Drop last Hershey’s Miniature under front seat
  6. Attempt to steer with knee while looking under seat for Miniature
  7. Swerve to avoid oncoming traffic with knee
  8. Find Hershey’s Miniature next to left foot
  9. Hurl Miniature out window at Hummer in next lane
  10. Swerve to avoid Hummer
  11. Always bring an attractive passenger in case of breakdowns to attract help
  12. During a complete whiteout, it is perfectly acceptable to close eyes while driving and cry
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Show 27 Comments


  1. family jules

    13. As roads get slicker, drive faster so if you even get close to your destination, you can sliiiiiiide the rest of the way.
    14. Pay no attention to the increasing number of cars pulled over to the side of the road, they are no indication of road conditions, just of the talent of the drivers. YOU can still make it, you are just that damn good!
    15. When going up a hill on ice, if you are still moving forward at all, keep gunning it. You will run out of hill before you run out of gas.

  2. Ace

    Screw the car! Take shoes off and skate to your destination on your socks!

  3. Spud

    As Charles Dickens once said “He would make a lovely corpse. ”


  4. mitch

    16. Move to warmer climes and forget all of that nonsense. Leave it for the Eskimos and Lutherans.

  5. Hummer drivers need to all simultaneously implode and this should be a televised event. :java:

  6. Alex

    Don’t forget mega caffeine and if you bring an attractive lady with you– make certain she is on PMS!

    Then give her the wheel and the caffeine!

  7. JFLY

    Things to do once you’ve run off the road and are trapped in a snowbank:

    1. See if your tongue will stick to the window
    2. Pass gas, knowing the other passengers are trapped inside with you
    3. Finally empty the ashtray and set your radio’s preset buttons
    4. Attempt to signal for help in morse code with your headlights
    5. Wait and see who has the urge to pee first
    6. Scare the other passengers by speaking supportively of “The Donner Party”
    7. Moon the passing traffic
    8. Play with all the switches and knobs on the dash pretending it will help the situation
    9. Attempt to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the horn
    10. Claim you hurt yourself in the collision so that someone else has to walk for help

  8. Russell

    [Comment ID #21771 will be quoted here]
    hey hey hey hummer drivers provide a great public service they clear the street of those anoying sub compact cars

  9. I’m not sure which is more disturbing: the picture of Dave or the dance blog site. Maybe Tami can animate the picture of Zilla and then I won’t have to decide. 😀

  10. frisko

    Natalie cut her hair.
    As for snow…stay home, or get a hotel with the babe in the passenger seat.

  11. Craig

    Make sure you have plenty of other people in the car who think they can do a waaaaaay better job of driving than you. 👿

  12. Awwww….Did you have a bad driving experiance? 😀

  13. Bubbles

    [Comment ID #21767 will be quoted here]

    Move to San Diego and leave the nasty weather for the Mormons.

  14. 13. Exchange lifesavers nipples for hershey’s miniature nipples.

  15. frisko

    Bravo to Other April.

  16. MrDoug

    Turn off lights
    Drop right foot to accelerator
    Spin steering wheel to left
    Driving backwards? Check
    Turn lights back on
    Scare the wholly living crap out of on coming traffic
    Keep spinning rear wheel drive chevy into ditch
    Lick nipple savers until help arrives

  17. frisko

    I am going to piddle myself over the “nipple savers”. Good thing that they are safety sealed for our protection-tee hee.

  18. Nipple savers – the perfect Valentine’s gift.

  19. Lace Valentine

    Hard liquor is good winter food.

    Beer is good summer food.

    Alas, anyone driving in Michigan during the winter is more than likely worthy of a DUI.

    :troll: 😈

  20. [Comment ID #21867 will be quoted here]

    ‘Twas not Michigan, but the Canadian 401 Hwy, which was one continuous blizzard for 200 miles. 😕

  21. Master Solace

    [Comment ID #21867 will be quoted here]

    I live in Indiana, I can guarantee that my state is more prone to the whole DUI in winter…hell, I think that the DUI is more like DWI and that the time of year is more like all year long. :troll:

  22. I don’t call hiim Zillicious for nothing. I just report the news, I don’t make it up.

  23. kennyh2o

    #1 Bring plenty of snacks and drinks (beer nuts and bottle opener) cool cd’s and hershey’s nipples aren’t bad either. forget the snow-chains their a pain to put on,and noisy.It’s one of the best down-times you could hope for in Mich.

  24. nick

    16. don’t stop at all costs even if the cops come 😛

Comments are closed