How’s my driving? Part I

Identifying the arsehole driver in front of you.

  1. The Midwestern Bookworm: The Bookworm loves to read. Right now, she is in the fast lane in front of you, finishing the last chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is spread open across her steering wheel. Her emotional reactions to her reading material greatly affect her ability to commit to a single lane. Should you be unfortunate enough to resemble the antagonist in her story, you will be promptly run off the road.
  2. The North American Talker: Far more common on major roads are the tribe known as North American Talkers. Completely self-centered (yes, more than most Yanks, Spud), the Talkers are more engrossed in their cell phone than the road. They will only put their phone on hold long enough to tell the the police that they were not using their phone when they drove through the café window.
  3. Dodge Ogler: An almost exclusively male tribe, the Oglers drive enormous Dodge pickup trucks, using the added height of their knobby wheels to peer down the blouse of the driver next to them. Easily identified by a pathetic moustache (circa 1978), excessive chest hair, a King mullet, a tattoo of “Taz” holding booze, and a bumper sticker that informs the public of the dangers of buying foreign automobiles or his fondness for oversized breasts.
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  1. StevieC

    The Telekinetic Tailgater: An ass (usually male) who thinks that by riding your ass, they feel they have the power to make you speed up.

    Lefty: This driver is prepared for any emergency by always driving with their left foot on the brake at all times. These types usually are the ones that complain that their brakes wear out prematurely and they get terrible gas mileage.

    I would love to have a rubber-stickem dart gun that I can use to shoot these guys in the trunk. The dart would stick there with a flag on it that says stupid. This not only warns other drivers, but if a cop sees a car with a dozen or so of these on the back, he can pull the guy over and give him a ticket for being an asshole!

  2. StevieC

    Oh – almost forgot the Egocentric Ass. This person feels that No Parking/Fire Lane signs don’t apply to them and that parking in a handicap spot is okay if you’re “only going to be a minute”. Guess what? Being an ass isn’t a recognized handicap and unless you’re responding to an emergency in an emergency vehicle, No Parking/Fire Lane means No Fucking Parking, You Stupid, Egocentric Asshole. If I wasn’t such a nice person, I might be tempted to kick your door or key your car.

    *sigh* I feel much better now. :java: anyone?

  3. StevieC

    Very cool panoramic, but the image is reversed. See who can figure out how you can tell. Also take note of the headless dude.

  4. junkman

    i loved the headless dude! a francis bacon to the 3rd power.

  5. Sallie

    The Panoramic is one of the clearest pictures I think I have ever seen on the internet…it made me dizzy as hell..and all the letters are reversed

  6. chainstay

    Northwest Elderly Pork-Pie Round the World to the Lefter. Easily spotted but rarely seen as a whole. All that has ever seen is a pork-pie hat and two hands at the top of the wheel. How it navigates is still a mystery. Distinguishing trait: seems to be trying to go around the world to the left due to the fact that its turn signal is on at all times.

    Zombified GPScatterbrain. Dull-witted thing that pays more attention to the GPS than the street. Has been known to turn off of a road on command; even when there is no road to turn on to.

  7. Now, the ‘Midwestern Bookworm’ is being ignorant. Reading while you drive makes the miles go by between towns in South Dakota, but a moments observation will tell you that reading while you drive makes other drivers nervous. A little courtesy when other vehicles are near, please. And please keep the lap towel adjusted when the reading material is being used as stroke material.

  8. Spud

    I liked StevieC’s idea about the dart gun except I’m sure JPL could come up with a more applicable upgrade to the weapons system.

  9. StevieC

    [Comment ID #198205 will be quoted here]

    I’m thinking about changing my username to StedgieC

  10. [Comment ID #198207 will be quoted here]

    StinkyC? 😈

  11. sledge

    four foot one ladies of diverse ethnic origins who drive 30 miles below the speed limit in the passing lane. arrgh

  12. StevieC

    [Comment ID #198209 will be quoted here]

    Naw, I prefer our definitions.

  13. Cindy

    Being a lifelong resident of the state of Florida, I have the distinct opportunity to observe many, many different driving styles….and they’re all equally annoying at different times. I think the most annoying for me are the geriatric drivers who have RVs bigger than most tractor-trailers and don’t have the first clue where their vehicle begins/ends (mainly because they’re towing a car behind too) and they are all over the road. I’m a firm believer that anyone who drives a vehicle longer than a pick-up truck should be required to hold a Class A CDL (commercial driver’s license)…might cut down on some of these idiots.

  14. Guy

    How about the fast lane beautician, who is compelled to apply her make-up, brush her hair AND talk on the PHONE, all at the same time!!! ALL while she decides she needs the space in front of YOU!!!!! :wtf: 🙁 😡

  15. Peaches

    Burn a mullet day…..yes I did, I completely stedged it. Or are we speaking of a “Dodge Ogler”?

  16. AnnieB

    The In a Hurry to Get Nowhere: The jackass that obliviously pulls out in front of you and then proceeds to drive 20 miles below the stedging speed limit. 👿

  17. AnnieB

    All the world loves a stedger.

    Beauty is only stedge deep.

    A stedge in need is a stedge indeed.

    The possibilities are stedgeless!

    Dave will rue the day he stedged us! 😛

  18. LauraL

    The great Missourian! Who does not use a directional at all, on a 70mph highway and decides to cut in front of you. Then flips you off because your to close to him. By way, Highway, get the #@$*& out of my way. Use your directional!!!!!

  19. What about the “On-the-go-with-a-ho?” A guy decides to pick up a hooker and get a blow-job while on the road, and doesn’t bother pulling over for the girl to do her work and for him to adequately enjoy the ride, and in doing so, he’s all over three lanes of traffic like dogshit on a rainy day… all over the place. 😛

  20. StevieC

    [Comment ID #198217 will be quoted here]

    Introducing the Stedge-O-Matic! It’s stedge-tacular!

    It hedges, it stedges, and yes ladies and gentlemen, it even wedges!

    Get yours before the whole stedging lot is gone! Call 1-800-Stedge-Me today!

  21. patrick

    Naah, stickem darts would blow off in the wind. How about we come up with a color code for paint ball guns?
    You get to nail them with the designated color depending upon their offense. At least three ‘hits’ as confirmation should give any law officer justification for writing a ticket for an offense backed by witnesses.
    Dave, I think this idea merits a day all to itself. 💡

  22. Zilla the Younger

    I personally hate the “Shicaners” you know, the crotch rocket riders, er, motorcyclists who believe that yellow lines are simply for decoration. They enjoy traveling our states highways at warp speed, pretending that all motor vehicles are actually an asteroid belt and its’ their job to dodge each and everyone of them, on the way to their desination, which is probably a “secret” pink-slip race somewhere out in BFE.

  23. chainstay

    I like the people who pass you at warp 9 so that they can stop at the red light one car length ahead of you.

  24. The Blocker-The driver who is traveling speed limit or very well below but immediately speeds up the moment you try to pass them. If two lanes, the driver gets on the left “fast” lane and proceeds to travel alongside a right “slow” lane traveller. 👿

  25. OK ZillaGirlz, here is a way not to pick your next date. I believe that driving habits are dictated (yeah I said dictated) by penis size.

    Dick size is proportionate with the ammount of room you allow when following another vehicle. The smaller your dick, the less room you leave.

    Also don’t forget Girlz that anyone who is always driving in a hurry may just may be that way in bed too.

  26. [Comment ID #198225 will be quoted here]

    I actually have this in mind for burgalars.
    Officer: What did he look like?
    Me: Fairly tall, wearing dark clothes, ten or twelve pink paint polk-a-dots and various large whelts.

  27. Mikeme

    No driving asses are all the rage in America!(Canadian drivers are in a world of their own).

  28. I know they say cars say a lot about you.
    And now the way you drive (for men at least).
    Do bumper stickers say things about you?
    I have one on my ’02 Buick Century that says “If you’re gonna ride my ass, AT LEAST PULL MY HAIR!”

    My ’04 Pontiac Sunfire (that was rear ended in February) had one that said “Stick it in, It’s the law.” (pic of seatbelt)

    and my ’91 Ford Festiva (didn’t have seatbelts/still runs by pure miracles)”Normal people scare me!” and “Don’t piss me off, I’m runnung out of places to hide the bodies!”

    Who wants to take a shot at (describing/analysing) me? 😈

  29. conestogaman

    The Trasher…

    They feel the need to just toss out the latest fast food wrappers and cups when they finish right out the window no matter where they’re at…and lit cigarette butts! 😕 Thanks for that, it just came in my helmet!! :wtf: 👿

  30. junkman

    [Comment ID #198253 will be quoted here]the cigarette butt was me. using the ashtray makes my jaguar smell. hopefully you will allow it to bio-degrade naturally in your helmet as was intended. please don’t throw it to the curb and gum up the wastewater system you’ll taint my desani.

  31. junkman

    i wouldn’t admit to anyone that something came in my helmet!

  32. Maddog

    How about a guy with one leg and no arms? Pasco Co Fl most notoriuos driver. Been known to lead Po-Po on a 120MHP chase on infamous US19. Don’t forget about the sweathog eating Dunkin Donuts or the breakfast barrito 🙄 ❓ ❓ ❗ 😛

  33. [Comment ID #198248 will be quoted here]

    But don’t forget the French Canadian driver, commonly found racing the streets of Montreal thinking it’s the Grand Prix. They just end up looking like Grand Pricks.

    The One-Hander always drives with just one hand on the wheel and palms it when making turns. The other hand is usually occupied by something like a cellphone, coffee, beer or themselves.

    The Greenies are those who drive one of those new hybrid cars or better yet, a true electric car that looks more like a golf cart. They were the first to use Ethanol fuel and probably have a bumper sticker that says, “My other car is a bike.”

    The Impatient Driver who doesn’t want to wait for the traffic controller (me) to let them through because they need their coffee or something stupid. I’ve told you already, we’re filming a scene up ahead and if I let you through you’ll ruin the shot, you f-ing asshole! Now turn your engine off before I hit you with my stop sign! 👿

  34. The Driver with the Loud Music that I always hear late at night when I’m trying to sleep! Turn the bass down, fuckwad, I can feel the vibrations all the way up on the second floor! It’s suburbia, for crying out loud!

  35. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #198255 will be quoted here]

    That cuz you’re a cool dude luv! :wang:

    And he can put that in his pipe and stedge it!

  36. Bigwavdave

    [Comment ID #198259 will be quoted here]

    Try driving around SoCal sometime. You’ll think there’s an earthquake every few blocks. :puke: :puke:

    Not only that, but those hip-hop, gang-bang wannabes think we all need to share, so they drive around with all the fucking windows rolled down AND the volume / bass turned all the way up.

    A good solution would be to keep a .44 magnum on the car seat and send a couple of rounds through their trunks. Oh, I’m sorry! Did your bass speakers blow out?
    Must have been too much power.

  37. Driver

    [Comment ID #198213 will be quoted here]

    Amen, safety should not just apply to those of us who get paid to drive a large rig.

    Description of Astryd-A stedging nympho

    Analysis of Astryd-You are a sweet hot nasty little stedger who enjoys stedging of possibly any and all sorts at any time.

    Summery-A perfect member of the Zillagirlz

  38. junkman

    [Comment ID #198268 will be quoted here]yes. about astryd…i’ve always been a back seat driver and don’t see any problem with your bumper stickers but you probably do need to be analized. driver you should know that one can drive a big rig and be safe without getting paid. annieb’s verdant stroking has given me a good solid stedger.

  39. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #198267 will be quoted here]

    Guess they must think bass stands for bad ass, huh Bwd?

    Dumb mutha stedgers! 👿

  40. junkman

    oops. verdant isn’t what i meant but it sounds like what i meant. :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  41. StevieC

    [Comment ID #198252 will be quoted here]

    You’re a woman that needs to get stedged properly and on a regular basis. You are the type of woman that men have stedgey dreams about.

  42. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #198275 will be quoted here]

    I was a little curious about that babe but hearing about your good solid stedger kinda made me forget about it.

    Now I’m all stedgy! :wang: :boob: :boob:

  43. Driver

    [Comment ID #198271 will be quoted here]

    Junkman I agree but its only CDL drivers who have to take multiple tests to get thier licence and get random DOT safety inspections in commercial vehicles.

    I believe cindys point and mine is that if the average driver had to take and pass the CDL tests to drive large and combination vehicles it would weed out the idiots who cant do it safely.

  44. junkman

    oh. i was talking about my penis. sorry.

  45. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #198290 will be quoted here]

    Now if you’d said “one can drive a big stedge and be safe without getting paid” there wouldn’t have been any confusion.


  46. Driver

    [Comment ID #198331 will be quoted here]

    Yeah what she said.

    P.S. If you have a penis as big as a truck I’d hate to see the {tunnel} it will fit in junkman, and I should have known what you meant after all this is stedging Zillaland.

Comments are closed