Observations

Remember when your parents gave you wholly unscientific superstitions and warnings, such as "Don't swallow gum; it will stay in your stomach for seven years!" or, "If you make a face like that, it will stick that way forever." Nikki and I were discussing those this afternoon when I had the idea to write up some new ones. Step on a crack, break your mother's Internet connection. If you don't eat your broccoli, you will starve in Ethiopia when you grow up. If you don't stop talking on the cell phone, your ears will grow over it. If you wear…

Last night's flight home was not uneventful. We were still in the air—nearly a half hour late—when the pilot said, "I'm sure you may have noticed that we've just been flying around in circles. We can't land due to strong thunderstorms over Detroit, but we'll need to or we'll run out of fuel soon." Not the type of message that inspires confidence. People started panicking and biting their nails. He might as well have said, "I am in ur airplane, crashing ur passengers." While waiting to die land, I thought of some cruel things flight attendants could say: "We're running…

Seriously. We checked. Barfz, as in, "He barfz a lot". Uepoxy, as in, "Can uepoxy this together?" Uquité, which Natalie insists is a Spanish word yet to be invented. Taintzo, as in, "Say it t'aintzo." Z-Slap, 3 bitch-slaps in a Zorro pattern Rootzen, Natalie insists this is German. Apparently my German dictionary is out of date. iLarge, New, from Apple. Eau de U.S., the smell of the United States Got any other words we should have tried? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free…

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While I'm a bit of a multi-tasker myself, I find that many combinations are simply not suitable together. For example: Putting in contact lenses while bull-fighting Bikini waxing while practicing the luge Ransacking a city while baby-sitting Performing testicular surgery while driving in NASCAR Committing hari kiri while toasting the bride and groom Raking leaves while pursuing a criminal Grooming a pet while eating spaghetti Training a dog to sit while jogging Talking to Davezilla while dressed as a clown What combinations would you avoid? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy…

Coca Cola: Intended as a soft drink, but does a great job cleaning whitewall tires. Do not use Coca Cola as birth control. Seriously. Mentos: Sold as a breath mint, but we all know Mentos are meant for rocketry experiments. Toothpaste: Intended for teeth, but does a great job polishing silverware and filling nail holes when showing the house to realtors. Clowns: Intended to make children laugh, but succeed only in scaring the crap out of adults. Hairspray: Meant to hold hair in place, but better at removing ink from fabric and when set afire, makes a brilliant bug repellant.…

The Plague of Slinkys The Plague of Double-Sided Tape (quickly followed by…) A Rain of Lint A Flood of Nail Clippings Each first-born son will have a third nipple The Plague of BeDazzlers A Flood of Grape Jelly A Plague of Chalkboard Screeching A Stampede of Rodeo Mimes What plagues would you envision? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy…

In the summer of 1978 I landed my first job at a tropical fish store. It was perfect; one mile from home, free pot and discounts on the fish supplies (important to me as I had 14 aquariums at the time). There was a local eccentric named Steven that spent his afternoons in the fish store. He was 31 and worked as a gas station attendant, back in the days when "full service" meant something. Steven was proud of his job and would regale us with his tales of the dangers involved in tow truck operation. I must have heard…