What the what?
I'm not sure what jungle Katy Perry's "Roar" video was shot in, but it seems to have South African Elephants, Egyptian Baboons, Central American Capuchin Monkeys and Indian Bengal Tigers.
Stop it Bennie. I can’t breathe.
Some days my pug's gas is both lethal and plentiful. If I don't finish this post, you'll kn
Fuck the duck
Is it just me, or does anyone else wish that stupid Aflac duck died from his injuries? I hate those commercials!
Pet Translation
I just realized that telling my dogs and cats, "I'm going out; be good" is translated in their minds as, "I'll be gone long enough for you to hide the evidence of whatever you're planning on destroying."
What Kind of Music Do I Like?
Over the years, I've realized that my musical taste boils down to one element that's proven remarkably accurate: If the singer or musician's name is "Kenny", there is a 99% chance I won't like it.
The Best Children’s Song Ever. By Me.
I have absolutely no memory of any children's song lyrics. I don't think I ever knew (or cared) what they were when I was a child and now that I am a father, I am resorting to making up lyrics to sing to my girl. I hope I don't screw her up too badly with my version of Hush, Little Baby: Hush little baby, don't smack a nerd, Papa's gonna buy you an odd-shaped bird. If that odd-shaped bird don't sing, Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring (I remembered this part!) If that diamond ring don't shine, Papa's gonna…
Is gravity increasing? Or is the photographer shrinking?
Seems to happen every time women cram together for a photo.
More People We Can Safely Dislike, #25
Jodi Arias supporters Twilight fans. Fuck all of you. Vampires don't sparkle. People who change their profile photo to reflect the latest meme, social cause or trend with no clue why other than their friends are all doing it, too. [DISCLAIMER: This one is probably only a Michigan thing] Drivers who get into the Michigan turn lane diagonally, thus taking up both lanes and refuse to pull out into traffic, even after a vicious, sustained honk. While, not a person, Punxsutawney Phil, who needs to be made into a rug. That useless, pus-bag has never predicted spring correctly. Ever. And…
Sleep deprivation
LIZZ: "That's it, honey." [SITTING UP, ROCKING IN BED] ME: "What are you doing?" LIZZ: "I just… I have to stay awake and…to make sure the baby doesn't fall asleep on me." ME: "What? I didn't even hear you get out of bed." LIZZ "Oh. My. God. I am losing my mind." ME: "What?!?" LIZZ: "This isn't even the baby. I've been rocking the cat."
What I Learned from Prescription Drug Ads
Single folk don't take prescription drugs. Only straight, married couples do. The people who take prescription drugs own Golden Retrievers. They wear matching sweaters tied around their necks and take long walks down the beach. They have unlimited resources for traveling to exotic locales. Only white and black people take prescription drugs. Asians, Hispanics, Pacific Islanders, etc. apparently don't need prescription drugs. Side effects are generally worse than the conditions being treated. Anti-depression drugs cause depression and lead to thoughts of suicide. Wait. Wut? All of this leads me to postulate that if you're white, married and retired, avoid wearing…
The Hate Cake
My mother made me a Hate Cake today. I don't know what I did to upset her so, but it must have been bad. This was the meanest Hate Cake I'd ever seen. And I've seen plenty in my time. In place of flour, she'd substituted plaster dust. The cake had three wicked layers—each more revolting than the one below it. Each layer was separated by a thin glacé of duck lard. The bottom layer had a fine dusting of used coffee grounds to add texture and a less than delightful crunch. Layer two was equally appalling. It had a…
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