A Monkey Won’t Give Two Shits in a Barrel

I like to make up fake clichéd phrases that sound like something an old man would say (now that I am one). Feel free to confuse your coworkers with them:

1. A monkey won’t give two shits in a barrel and call them Ben Parsons.
2. If a farmer scraps the melon rind, the oldest dog will lag behind.
3. If it’s sunny in the morn, then snails will wish they were ne’er born.
4. If an orange goes to roost, the milking cows won’t beat you at TopGolf.
5. The longer you spend writing, the less the other person spends bedwetting.
6. Shave a prune on Tuesday, good luck for 8 seconds. Shave a prune on Friday, you’ll swallow 8 spiders in your sleep.
7. Everyone knows the best cure for being left-handed is to threaten them with being a redhead as well.
8. If Bigfoot sees his shadow, we’re in for 6 more weeks of Ancient Aliens reruns.
9. Crows in fact, will never fly. They are gently thrown by passersby.
10. If the Mothman do appear, blurry cameras are surely near.