The Best Children’s Song Ever. By Me.

I have absolutely no memory of any children’s song lyrics. I don’t think I ever knew (or cared) what they were when I was a child and now that I am a father, I am resorting to making up lyrics to sing to my girl. I hope I don’t screw her up too badly with my version of Hush, Little Baby:

Hush little baby, don’t smack a nerd,
Papa’s gonna buy you an odd-shaped bird.

If that odd-shaped bird don’t sing,
Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring (I remembered this part!)

If that diamond ring don’t shine,
Papa’s gonna buy you a porcupine.

If that porcupine don’t swim,
Papa’s gonna buy you a cat named Jim.

If that cat named Jim don’t fly,
Papa’s gonna buy you a marble pie.

If that marble pie don’t speak,
Papa’s gonna buy you a homeless freak… etc.

Feel free to add new lyrics for this song so it never ends.

What I Learned from Prescription Drug Ads

  • Single folk don’t take prescription drugs. Only straight, married couples do.
  • The people who take prescription drugs own Golden Retrievers.
  • They wear matching sweaters tied around their necks and take long walks down the beach.
  • They have unlimited resources for traveling to exotic locales.
  • Only white and black people take prescription drugs. Asians, Hispanics, Pacific Islanders, etc. apparently don’t need prescription drugs.
  • Side effects are generally worse than the conditions being treated.
  • Anti-depression drugs cause depression and lead to thoughts of suicide. Wait. Wut?

All of this leads me to postulate that if you’re white, married and retired, avoid wearing matching sweaters with your spouse or owning a Golden Retriever. That combination will lead to all sorts of medical maladies.