Your Horoscope

As made up by Davezilla

Aries: Your enthusiasm and boundless energy will be appreciated at work, especially during that important meeting. That is, until you get the church giggles and wet your pants.

Taurus: Taureans prefer to take things slow and steady. Today’s continued heat-wave will see you falling asleep shortly after touching yourself to naughty pictures. The janitor reports you to HR.

Gemini: You will finally get that letter you’ve long been waiting for: the RIAA is indeed suing you for downloading illegal MP3s.

Cancer: Mommy sends you new PJs with duckies and flowers on them. You wonder if that’s allowed on the dress code, but decide to throw caution to the wind and dress them up with a nice pumps of pumps. This goes for the female Cancers, too.

Leo: Male pattern baldness is nothing to be ashamed of. Except you’re a woman. Be ashamed.

Virgo: You can stop cleaning everyone’s desks. Really. Cut it out.

Libra: Typical of your sign, your good looks are noticed and you are once again asked to star in a movie. This time, you stand your ground and demand that they not get any in your eyes.

Scorpio: Not much going on, which is nice for a change. Amuse yourself by stabbing flies with a No. 2 lead pencil.

Sagittarius: This is the day. You finally look into medical help for that little “difficulty in bed”.

Capricorn: A shitty day. Another intern reports you for upskirting them with your cameraphone and some liberal fucktard has torn off your Bush bumper stickers.

Aquarius: That hottie at the coffeehouse notices you and asks for your number. Foolishly, you assume they want you to fix their PC and tell them to fuck off.

Pisces: Today is just like yesterday: spent in a fetal position, blotchy-faced and crying to yourself. Your boss politely asks you to stop doing this in the foyer.

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Show 36 Comments


  1. First in line WooHoo…It looks like no matter what your sign, it’s going to ba a tough day/

    BTW – You forgot my sign: SLIPPERY WHEN WET :wang:

  2. Speedy

    I’m a virgo, but retired so there is no other desks to clean so I guess I don’t have any future?

  3. Gemini….hmmmm……nope, doesn’t apply, all of my MP3s come off my own CDs or my friend Larry’s….if I don’t have a particular CD, I know he does……..I guess I’m safe…..

  4. junkman

    -as an aries i do often get church giggles. every time i think of people that go to church and what they believe. i do wet my pants but i believe it has something to do with the plate in my head reacting to microwaves.
    -i hate donny douche everyday
    -why doesn’t someone do crop circles on jay lenos enormous fucking head?
    -what’s up with aquarius. do these people come from another planet? :wtf:

  5. I didn’t know why I chose to sleep on my couch last night. It’s because I’m a Sag. Thanks Dave.

  6. crash

    But sir its not my f….ing fault if he would just cum on cue when in the 3 sum scenes then i wouldn’t have to punch him the f..k out my eyes my eyes they burn help mee :wtf: :dead: Libra wooo hooo!

  7. junkman

    [Comment ID #194915 will be quoted here]i can do slow and steady with enthusiasm and boundless energy!

  8. [Comment ID #194913 will be quoted here]

    Yes, we do come from another planet. :geek:

  9. junkman

    [Comment ID #194930 will be quoted here]thought so. thanks for confirming.

  10. Zilla the Younger

    Thanks for the advice, those damn flies never stood a chance! 😀

  11. sledge

    Today’s your birthday Why are you on your computer? You should be high by 10.00am and totally f–ked by noon. You will meet a tall dark stranger the nice police occifer who will escort you to a special hidey hole with hot and cold running Bubbas

  12. Drusky

    [Comment ID #194915 will be quoted here]
    How many pictures did the janitor get before reporting you or is this some roleplaying you and your lucky man play: ‘Janitor and the Office Girl’?


  13. The horoscope for Aquarius is all wrong. It should read:
    “Upon choosing to leave the house without an umbrella, you will get soaked by a sudden downpour on your way to the bookstore. You will spend ten minutes in the bathroom trying to dry your clothes with the crappy wall dryer. Take that, water bearer!” 👿
    At least I got what I thought was a nice look from a cute sales guy.

  14. AnnieB

    Leo the lion might have the bigger mane (in some places) but the lioness has what makes him ROAR!

    Astryd … you know Dave tailor made that for you! :wang:

    [Comment ID #194914 will be quoted here]

    Because I wore you out. Rested now?

    [Comment ID #194903 will be quoted here]

    Master of the obvious.


  15. [Comment ID #194945 will be quoted here]

    Have you been peepin’ in my windows? 😛

  16. Flash Gordon

    As a scorpio, I’ve found that it is easier to
    whap them with my tallywhanger.
    I love to roar, AnnieB. :wang: :wang: :kiss: 😈 :wtf:

  17. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #194964 will be quoted here]

    … and I love to “hear” you roar! :boob: :boob: :thong:
    this many times … :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang:

    Are you up to it? I’m starting without you …

  18. Flash Gordon

    Just a minute, please. I had to eat my spinach.
    :kiss: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :boob:

  19. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #194970 will be quoted here]

    Mmmmm,a man that comes prepared! How did you know I love sailor men!?!? :kiss:

    OK, that fleet thing.

    You know I was always thinking of you for inspiration my handsome, hunky, sex machine, but you gotta love a man in uniform! I’m very patriotic that way, as I know you are.

    :boob: :boob: :thong: 😛 :wang:

  20. Spud

    A new word of the day for you lot.


  21. Driver

    If I meet or beat your current salary would you be my Orifice umm I mean office girl?

    How do you feel about ARMY Artilary Cannon Cockers we do give you the biggest bang after all!

  22. [Comment ID #194974 will be quoted here]

    That’s new? Frat boys have been doing that for a hundred years. 😛

  23. Spud

    You know it and I know it, but do some of these others? and I wonder about the looks on their faces when they find out.


  24. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #194980 will be quoted here]

    I say … show me, and I’ll tell you how big your bang is and we’ll see how many times it can fire.

    [Comment ID #194974 will be quoted here]

    Ahhh, the voice of experience. Please share.

  25. [Comment ID #194971 will be quoted here]

    Oh. I wondered why they call it a ‘fleet’ enema.

    Cancer sounds pretty good. I like duckies and flowers. I don’t know about the pumps, though. My bunny slippers are starting to look a little shabby, to many ‘eyes’ full, heh-heh. Would my new Shrek slippers be OK for casual Friday? I can make a batch of authentic Shrek cookies, with gummy worm grubs!

  26. TimM

    I’m a Virgo. I never cleaned anybodys desk (or “stuff”) but there were times I really wanted to.

    My dads a cancer and he’s a total Momma’s boy.

    Moms an aries but wasn’t appreciated at work until she retired and two people had trouble keeping up with what she did alone. The company tried to beg her to come back.

    I knew a Gemini that almost got me arrested for “abetting.”

    I know a Pisces that fits that description.

    Gee Dave, you’re pretty acurate.

  27. Sue

    Hahahaha. Spot on! I’m a Virgo.. I’m also a cleaner by profession, hahaha. I love it!

  28. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #195003 will be quoted here]

    Well thanks for putting that comment in the crapper asshole.

  29. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #194998 will be quoted here]

    I know what it is, that’s why I wanted to hear your story Mr. Potato Head. You could of made something up or … just come clean with us. You’re among friends here. 😈

  30. [Comment ID #194989 will be quoted here]

    Spud, are you forgetting who we are now? I’ve known about tea-bagging for at least three years now. 😈

  31. Spud

    Personally I liked the term “Russian Goggles”

    Hello Dolly!

    Oh, and I could have made up all sorts of tall tales and true, but the sad fact of life is this – I am actually a 4’5″ 64yr old with a severe hump (from years of being at a desk) who has only about 28% of eyesight left (therefore requiring glasses that can be made from the bottom of coke bottles) who lives in the basement of an inner city apartment block with only the internets and small animals for companions, they say that one day I may get heat down here but I don’t live in hope.

    The last time I looked at sunlight was in 1982 I think, I don’t know it was that long ago and the last time a female came anywhere near me was in 1970 when South Sydney won the Premiership.

    The Salvation Army looks in on me from time to time, but I can tell that I repulse them, they just leave the clothes bags near the dumpster now…

  32. Oh, and I could have made up all sorts of tall tales and true, but the sad fact of life is this –

    What do you think we thrive on? 😆

  33. AnnieB

    [Comment ID #195105 will be quoted here]

    Re: “russian googles” … so who brings you your booze to drink until you’re unconscious? I think you were faking it and really enjoyed it. C’mon now, fess up.

  34. 😀 💡

    That’s hillarious! I never trust the Horo it just brings me Horrors!

Comments are closed