Reasons to give your pets boring, human names

  1. “Mary no longer sleeps with me. She’s taken to spending her evenings staring out the front window, or curling up in the bath tub.”
  2. “I don’t know where Michelle goes every night. She begs to out out and comes back late, covered in burrs, and mud.”
  3. “Every time Antonio gets upset, he shits on the bed. He’s nearly 18 years old and he’s still doing it.”
  4. “Jessica refuses to take a bath. I have to hold her down in the backyard to hose her down. Sometimes I have to get some of the neighbors to hold her still.”
  5. “It’s so embarrassing. Whenever my sister comes over, Jeremy starts humping her leg and licking his balls.”
  6. “I used to love my evening talks with Helen. Lately, she hides in the basement, killing and eating spiders.”
  7. “Miguel hides under the bed, whimpering, every time he hears thunderstorms or fireworks.”
  8. “Our four-year-old, Mindy, loves to watch us having sex. She sits on the edge of the bed, staring and clearly excited.”
  9. “An expert told me if I gave Mitch pineapple with his supper, he’d stop eating his own vomit, but so far, nothing has worked.”
  10. “Cassandra hates all my friends, except for Charles. Whenever he comes over she’s suddenly social and rubs her ass against him. Sometimes she drops rat heads at his feet.”
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