Ten things that disturb me about the Jolly Green Giant

Jolly Green you know who

  1. He wears a tattered and threadbare tunic with a brand new red scarf.
  2. Isn’t aware that green hair is so 1979.
  3. Won’t let us see what Mrs. Giant looks like.
  4. Responsible for the accidental stepping deaths of 23 American farmers each year.
  5. His urine stream causes local flooding.
  6. The Giant’s enormous fingers are the reason for all those dented cans on the shelves.
  7. Dandruff often mistaken for major hailstorm.
  8. Claims to have never heard of the Chupacabra
  9. His scarf is long enough to be one of Christo’s works.
  10. Little Sprout is always trying to upskirt him.


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comment 8 comments
  • kermit

    He also stole Peter Pan’s pointy shoes.

  • rust

    11. Really pissed off at William Shatner for boffing his green-skinned wife when she worked at Paramount.

  • Stacy, the motor city bad kitty

    I was always confused when I was a little girl growing up, I thought the Green Giant and the Incredible Hulk were the same dude.

    And it also confuses me today that he’s always calling for his “ho ho hos” … but seems to be hanging around Little Sprout all the time.

    Michael Jackson phenomenon?

  • Nikki

    I’d like to have a peek at his long green zucchini…

  • Esther

    😯

  • Moxie

    Nikki, from the looks of the size of his feet it is probably a peapod.

  • Natalie

    His tunic is hiding his “Little Sprout”.

  • Kami

    A good breeze and we’ll all get a glimpse of his green bean and peas.

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