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  • More People We Can Safely Dislike, #25

    • Jodi Arias supporters
    • Twilight fans. Fuck all of you. Vampires don’t sparkle.
    • People who change their profile photo to reflect the latest meme, social cause or trend with no clue why other than their friends are all doing it, too.
    • [DISCLAIMER: This one is probably only a Michigan thing] Drivers who get into the Michigan turn lane diagonally, thus taking up both lanes and refuse to pull out into traffic, even after a vicious, sustained honk.

      • Uma Thurman

    • While, not a person, Punxsutawney Phil, who needs to be made into a rug. That useless, pus-bag has never predicted spring correctly. Ever. And don’t correct me in the comments. He sucks. If I could make a movie, it would be called Kill Phil and Uma Thurman would take out Phil and all his kin in a deliberate and most brutal fashion.
    • People who leave their outdoor Christmas decorations up through the spring and summer—and continue to light them up nightly.

  • Sleep deprivation

    LIZZ: “That’s it, honey.” [SITTING UP, ROCKING IN BED]
    ME: “What are you doing?”
    LIZZ: “I just… I have to stay awake and…to make sure the baby doesn’t fall asleep on me.”
    ME: “What? I didn’t even hear you get out of bed.”
    LIZZ “Oh. My. God. I am losing my mind.”
    ME: “What?!?”
    LIZZ: “This isn’t even the baby. I’ve been rocking the cat.”

  • Wait, wut?

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  • What I Learned from Prescription Drug Ads

    • Single folk don’t take prescription drugs. Only straight, married couples do.
    • The people who take prescription drugs own Golden Retrievers.
    • They wear matching sweaters tied around their necks and take long walks down the beach.
    • They have unlimited resources for traveling to exotic locales.
    • Only white and black people take prescription drugs. Asians, Hispanics, Pacific Islanders, etc. apparently don’t need prescription drugs.
    • Side effects are generally worse than the conditions being treated.
    • Anti-depression drugs cause depression and lead to thoughts of suicide. Wait. Wut?

    All of this leads me to postulate that if you’re white, married and retired, avoid wearing matching sweaters with your spouse or owning a Golden Retriever. That combination will lead to all sorts of medical maladies.

  • Rappin’ for Jesus

    This is frickin’ amazing. Best train wreck of a song ever. Language is NSFW.

  • And this is why we close HTML tags

    Holy crap. Kids, this is why we close HTML tags. Keep scrolling on this page. Courtesy of b3ta.com.

  • OMG FORT!!!

    OMG FORT!!!

  • Caption Time #318

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  • Caption Time #317

    Vader Claus, Caption Time, No. 317

  • Boromir Says…

    One does not simply walk out of Target empty-handed

  • The Hate Cake

    My mother made me a Hate Cake today. I don’t know what I did to upset her so, but it must have been bad. This was the meanest Hate Cake I’d ever seen. And I’ve seen plenty in my time.

    In place of flour, she’d substituted plaster dust.

    The cake had three wicked layers—each more revolting than the one below it. Each layer was separated by a thin glacé of duck lard. The bottom layer had a fine dusting of used coffee grounds to add texture and a less than delightful crunch. Layer two was equally appalling. It had a surprise filling: potato peelings and menthol cigarettes. The top layer was where the true culinary artistry shone. A delicate confection of ketchup, pork rinds and Trinidad Moruga Scorpion peppers, which I’m told are 100 times hotter than the Indian Ghost Pepper, Bhut jolokia.

    The frosting was especially hateful. A spiteful spread consisting of full pulp orange juice mixed with Crest toothpaste. And no Hate Cake is complete without a jaw-dropping—or indeed, jaw-piercing—presentation and this cake proved no exception. What at first glance appeared to be delicate crystals encrusting the entire top of the cake surface was in fact, ground Italian glass. No expense was spared; that was genuine Murano glass, ground to perfection.

  • Dress Codes Are Different Across North America

    Dress codes are different in Canada