Recent Effluvia:

The Best Children’s Song Ever. By Me.

I have absolutely no memory of any children’s song lyrics. I don’t think I ever knew (or cared) what they were when I was a child and now that I am a father, I am resorting to making up lyrics to sing to my girl. I hope I don’t screw her up too badly with my version of Hush, Little Baby:

Hush little baby, don’t smack a nerd,
Papa’s gonna buy you an odd-shaped bird.

If that odd-shaped bird don’t sing,
Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring (I remembered this part!)

If that diamond ring don’t shine,
Papa’s gonna buy you a porcupine.

If that porcupine don’t swim,
Papa’s gonna buy you a cat named Jim.

If that cat named Jim don’t fly,
Papa’s gonna buy you a marble pie.

If that marble pie don’t speak,
Papa’s gonna buy you a homeless freak… etc.

Feel free to add new lyrics for this song so it never ends.

24 April, 2013
Children’s Books?

Via Lung

19 April, 2013
Reptile Dysfunction

10 April, 2013
Is gravity increasing? Or is the photographer shrinking?

Seems to happen every time women cram together for a photo.

03 April, 2013
More People We Can Safely Dislike, #25
- Jodi Arias supporters
- Twilight fans. Fuck all of you. Vampires don’t sparkle.
- People who change their profile photo to reflect the latest meme, social cause or trend with no clue why other than their friends are all doing it, too.
- [DISCLAIMER: This one is probably only a Michigan thing] Drivers who get into the Michigan turn lane diagonally, thus taking up both lanes and refuse to pull out into traffic, even after a vicious, sustained honk.
- While, not a person, Punxsutawney Phil, who needs to be made into a rug. That useless, pus-bag has never predicted spring correctly. Ever. And don’t correct me in the comments. He sucks. If I could make a movie, it would be called Kill Phil and Uma Thurman would take out Phil and all his kin in a deliberate and most brutal fashion.
- People who leave their outdoor Christmas decorations up through the spring and summer—and continue to light them up nightly.
02 April, 2013
Sleep deprivation

LIZZ: “That’s it, honey.” [SITTING UP, ROCKING IN BED]
ME: “What are you doing?”
LIZZ: “I just… I have to stay awake and…to make sure the baby doesn’t fall asleep on me.”
ME: “What? I didn’t even hear you get out of bed.”
LIZZ “Oh. My. God. I am losing my mind.”
ME: “What?!?”
LIZZ: “This isn’t even the baby. I’ve been rocking the cat.”

29 March, 2013
Wait, wut?

27 March, 2013
What I Learned from Prescription Drug Ads
- Single folk don’t take prescription drugs. Only straight, married couples do.
- The people who take prescription drugs own Golden Retrievers.
- They wear matching sweaters tied around their necks and take long walks down the beach.
- They have unlimited resources for traveling to exotic locales.
- Only white and black people take prescription drugs. Asians, Hispanics, Pacific Islanders, etc. apparently don’t need prescription drugs.
- Side effects are generally worse than the conditions being treated.
- Anti-depression drugs cause depression and lead to thoughts of suicide. Wait. Wut?
All of this leads me to postulate that if you’re white, married and retired, avoid wearing matching sweaters with your spouse or owning a Golden Retriever. That combination will lead to all sorts of medical maladies.
19 February, 2013
Rappin’ for Jesus

This is frickin’ amazing. Best train wreck of a song ever. Language is NSFW.

16 February, 2013
And this is why we close HTML tags

Holy crap. Kids, this is why we close HTML tags. Keep scrolling on this page. Courtesy of b3ta.com.

15 February, 2013
OMG FORT!!!

23 January, 2013
Caption Time #318

04 January, 2013