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  • I will take up two parking spaces. Deal with it.

    I will take up two parking spaces. Deal with it.

    This post originally appeared on Medium

    Thoughts on parking etiquette from an utter douchebag.

    Fellow Driver,

    I know I took up two parking spaces leaving you circling the lot like a Perrigine Falcon whose prey has mysteriously escaped.

    I know you’re probably cursing my name and wishing it was legal to ram my Hummer H2 with the “Take Back America—Tea Party 2012” bumper sticker, but you won’t. I’m counting on it.

    Why? Because unlike myself, you possess manners—a social skill I am blissfully unaware of.

    You see, I am what is referred to in the vernacular as a douchebag and that moniker comes with responsibility and a certain sense of entitlement.

    It comes with a sense of knowing. Not in the educational sense—I cheated to become a Phoenix. What I mean is knowing your place in the Universe. And mine is parking a big-ass Hummer wherever I damn well please.

    In my world, a Hummer equates to respect. It means I have power that compensates for my hopelessly commonplace 4.75″schlong. It makes up for my premature hair-loss and my inability to converse with other humans without needing something to prove. It means the when I attempt to demean coworkers who are taller than me, they know I mean business. It means people know me.

    No one knows your name at the local Hooters, do they? I bet they don’t even know you at the Faggot, I mean, Target store where you get those baskets full of dried grapevines rolled into balls. Just what the Hell are those damn things for? You don’t play with them. It’s not like they’re art like the Nagel prints in my hallway. You must own a cat.

    Not me. I have a GD Rottweiler. I’m not even sure if I can spell Rottweiler, but that’s the beauty of it. The German language is scary and gets respect. German dogs? Twice as scary. Twice the respect. I know. I see lesser mortals giving me a wide berth when I do donuts on the cul-de-sac of a quiet, rich suburb with my beast in tow.

    What’s that? Why do I need to take up two spaces when my Hummer will clearly fit in one? You’re stupider than you look. Taking up one parking space means you won’t notice me. And I have to stand out. I’m 4″ shorter than most fourteen year-old girls and twice as awkward.

    I work as an engineer designing windshield wipers. Sexy. We’re the bottom feeders as far as engineers go. Had I actually studied, I might have a career with actual respect, like a powertrain engineer or aerodynamics.

    But no, it’s wipers and that means I have a lot of pent-up anger issues and a life of mediocrity.

    And you have the gall to ask why I need two parking spaces.

  • Rejected Names for Cereals

    Rejected Names for Cereals

    So this post originally appeared here in 2008, but as I have been going back through older posts, I keep finding horrible spam injections—some of which cannot be removed with out deleting the entire post. This is a shame because some of these posts had dozens of comments. This one had 72 comments, so I am reposting it. Anytime you see a new post that has the tag “repost”, you’ll know the original was deleted due to spam.

    1. Lice Krispies
    2. Kellogg’s Porn Flakes
    3. Frosted Mini Feets
    4. Sugar Frosted Aches
    5. Ape Nuts
    6. Cap’n Chronic
    7. Brute Loops
    8. Unlucky Harms
    9. Funny Bunches of Goats
    10. What cereals names would you reject? If you need some inspiration, look through Mr. Breakfast.
  • What Ad Writers Say to Each Other in Bed

    What Ad Writers Say to Each Other in Bed

    1. Taste the rainbow!
    2. Just do it!
    3. Zoom Zoom!
    4. Think different.
    5. Finger-lickin’ good!
    6. Are you a Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut case?
    7. Clap on, clap off
    8. Wii would like to play
    9. Now you’re playing with power!
    10. Rip, slip, brush..Ahhh!
    11. Reach out and touch someone.
    12. We try harder.
    13. The quick picker upper.
    14. A little dab’ll do ya.
    15. Have it your way.
    16. Get N or get out
    17. Do you have the bunny inside?
    18. Let’s make things better
    19. Live in Your world, play in ours
    20. Neighbor’s envy, owner’s pride

    Co-written by Chocolate Razor. This post originally appeared on Davezilla in 2008 but was ruined by spammers.

  • Pets vs. Babies

    Pets vs. Babies

    • Cats prefer baby toys to their own
    • Babies prefer cat toys to their own
    • Pugs will graciously eat dirty diapers, lightening the garbage load, but making for an interesting back yard cleanup.
  • Best New Top Level Domain Names

    Best New Top Level Domain Names

    Ever since ICANN allowed companies to create new top-level domains (TLDs) such as .Pepsi or .duckface (at the staggering cost of US$185,000 + US$25,000 for annual upkeep), I thought it would be fun to come up with some suggestions for corporations to buy.

    1. www.www.www
    2. notguilty.oj
    3. dot.dot
    4. polka.bikini
    5. tobeornotto.be
    6. ithinkthereforei.am
    7. erhmagerda.meme
    8. bigthreeautos.suck
    9. america.fat
    10. Kanye.ego
    11. MileyCyrus.trainwreck
    12. ancient-history.madonna

    Which ones did I miss?

  • Can’t win.

    I got all excited because tomorrow night, Daylight Saving Time ends. Then my wife reminded me that our baby won’t likely adhere to that and we’ll still be up at the crack of dawn. Damn.

  • Instagram makes my house look haunted

    20131101-212620.jpg

  • What the what?

    I’m not sure what jungle Katy Perry’s “Roar” video was shot in, but it seems to have South African Elephants, Egyptian Baboons, Central American Capuchin Monkeys and Indian Bengal Tigers.

  • Hospital Fun

    Naughty Nurse

    1. Ask your nurse for some apple juice. Pour it into a urine specimen jar. Nonchalantly walk down the aisles, sipping it.
    2. After an operation on [some body part], wake up from the anesthesia and ask, “So how is my [unrelated body part]?”
    3. Schedule gurney races down the hallways of ER. Try to beat EMTs with critical patients. Bonus points for having racing stripes, flames or real exhaust.
    4. Ask the nurse for a cocktail umbrella and fruit for your urine sample. You know, to make it look Klassy.
    5. When you wake up from anesthesia, pretend to speak a different language. Look at everyone as evil foreigners.
    6. Scream down the hallways that “They’ve taken my liver! I went to a party and woke up here, with no liver.”
    7. If the nurse gives you a choice for lunch, ask if they have Soylent Green.

  • Stop it Bennie. I can’t breathe.

    Some days my pug’s gas is both lethal and plentiful. If I don’t finish this post, you’ll kn

  • I finally refreshed the look a bit. Yes, it’s the default Twenty Thirteen theme (with an original photo for the header), but the site needed a kick in the butt. I plan on updating the color scheme when I get time. Next month.

  • You’re Next…

    Funerals