A woman’s touch

One thing that has always bothered me and that's when a woman tells a man, "This place really needs a woman's touch. It bothers me because a woman's touch generally means seizure-inducing floral prints and a concrete duck on the front porch that wears a seasonal apron. Here's what I mean: What you ownWhat she'll replace it with Beer bottle collectionHummel figurine collection* Neon Bud Light wall decorationFabric art that resembles misshapen rug samples glued together "Art" magazinesActual art magazines Engine on the kitchen tableHoliday-themed candle centerpieces Beach towels on the sofaChenille throws on the sofa "Yeah, it's got a…

Overheard: War of the Worlds edition

Warning: Movie spoiler ahead Well, not really, but if you're a stickler for not knowing anything about a movie in advance, don't say I didn't warn you. So I went to see WotW by myself Sunday and as always, sat directly in front of the stupid couple that have to explain every single scene to each other. Some examples of the inanity: Scene: Tom Cruise is playing catch with his son. His son hates him, and not just because he is a scene-stealing, cradle-robbing Scientologist. So Tom throws him a fast ball, and he steps aside to make sure it…

I want an Oompa-Loompa NOW!

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Note to Self, No. 5,618

No matter how careful you are, it is impossible to walk three blocks to your car with five coffees, wearing white jeans and not spill all over them at some point.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic…

PML 1.0 Specification

WARNING: Extreme geek humor ahead PML (Porno Markup Language), a pornographic computer language specification proposed by DL Byron is nearly ready for release by the W3C. The specifications are as follows: Latest version: http://www.w3.org/TR/porno-spec/ Previous version: http://www.w3.org/TR/2005/TIT-porno-spec-20050428/ Editor: DL Byron Contributors: Davezilla W3C Jerking Draft 30 June 2005 PML is a general-porno markup language designed for representing the sex industry for a wide range of perversions across the World Wide Web. To this end it does not attempt to be all things to all people, supplying every possible kinky jerkoff idiom, but to supply a generally useful set of naughty…

Top ten ways to annoy your coworkers

Send company layoff emails from their desk while they are away at lunch. Eat other coworkers' lunch. Frame your coworker by leaving a trail of crumbs to their desk and put the leftovers in their wastepaper basket. Piranhas in the water cooler. Apply for a job with the competition under your coworker's name and have all correspondence sent to the front desk. Change their password while they are on vacation. Make no attempt to memorize the new one. Use up all the ink in their pens and put back in the drawer or pencil holder exactly where they were. Add…

Stop it. Just stop.

I have determined that "What the heckers?" is the single worst euphemism I have ever heard.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india fda approves viagra free viagra…

The truth behind FUPA

FUPA Acronym for "Fat Upper Pubic Area"; common misinterpretations include "Fat Upper Pussy Area," "Fat Upper Penile Area" and "Farting Under Pelicans Asses." Also, often confused with FUBU, an overpriced brand of clothes that suburban caucasian adolescent males wear to impress suburban caucasian females who associate the clothing with large genitalia. From the Urban Dictionary OK, we've all seen FUPA before. It's not a new phenomenon. What is new to me is seeing skinny women with FUPA. How is that possible? I suspect, and follow me on this, that FUPA may not be a ring of fat, after all. I…

Authentic French Flavour

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Pickup lines that suck

"I suppose a lot of men stare at your tits, huh?" "You like cartoon rabbits, too? I like dressing up as one in bed." "That's a really sexy bra. I stole one just like that from my neighbor's clothesline." "Lemme have a few more beers first so you look pretty." "That's a hot dress. Makes you kind of look like a hooker. Wait, you're not a cop, are you?" "You remind of someone. My frat brother, Gunther. Man, could he put away the beer!" "I really wish they'd rerun BJ and the Bear. I could be watching that while you…

Rest in peace, St. Augustine

[1998-2005] This weekend while I was in Toronto, my cats managed to open the screen door and get onto the balcony. When I came home, the youngest one was nowhere to be found. Tuesday night I found him huddled and shaking under a bush. He died Wednesday evening from internal injuries (he fell two stories onto some rocks). I am taking a few days off. Please understand.