My easily attainable 2014 New Years Resolutions

I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them.

1. I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year.
2. I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic.
3. Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand.
4. I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation.
5. I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter’s hair in place.
6. I resolve not to punch a Great White Shark in the face.
7. But I do resolve to throat-punch anyone who plays What Does Fox The Say in my vicinity.
8. I resolve not to learn Hungarian this year.
9. I resolve not to vote for Rob Ford.