How to Speak Project Manager

1. Demote Pluto

   18 September, 2006, 2:35 am

   “It should only take five minutes,” which means, “It should take the whole day, also tonight and Saturday.”

2. Drusky

   18 September, 2006, 2:41 am

   When they say: “Our employees are our bottom line.”
   They really mean “We’re doing layoffs to save money.”

   When they say: “We need to be more globally aware in our company structure.”
   They really mean: “We’re going to outsource your jobs to India.”

   When they say: “We’re streamlining your employee benefits to meet today’s changing needs.”
   They really mean: “Grab your ankles and try not to scream because your new insurance package won’t even cover the lubricant!” 😈 👿

3. Drusky

   18 September, 2006, 2:46 am

   The lady on the ‘gem sweater’ site looks like she’s trying to hypnotize you into buying her crap…

4. Spud

   18 September, 2006, 7:24 am

   When they say, “How’s the work coming along?” they really mean, “You had better finish by this afternoon or your arse is grass and I’m a lawnmower”

   When they say, “I’m glad you were assigned to this,” they really mean, “You better make me look good”

   When they say, “I’ haven’t quite seen one like that before” they really mean, “This is going to cost you a bundle buddy”

   When they say, “I will be finished by Friday” they really mean, “Actually that’s about two weeks away”

   When they say, “The extra costs incurred will be kept to a bare minimum” they really mean, “Minimum meaning the barest legal amount we can get away with charging you”

   :geek:

5. Meagan

   18 September, 2006, 9:09 am

   If Gem Sweaters are coming back in fashion, then my Aunt Mary is in luck.

6. junkman

   18 September, 2006, 9:33 am

   i believe the gem sweater model’s facial expression accurately reflects the vitality of this product and will appeal to the intended target market.

7. Brad K.

   18 September, 2006, 10:25 am

   When the conversation starts with ‘As A Professional .. ‘
   They really mean ‘I screwed the pooch, now you get to cover for me. Without reporting overtime.’

8. MJaz

   18 September, 2006, 10:40 am

   No kidding around.. the Gem Sweater Lady is the star of the video sensation “The Internet is for Porn”. I can’t link it here.. but if you haven’t seen it yet, you need to go out of your way to find it – LOL!

   Manager says: “We need to leverage the situation” – they mean “We need to blame the customer!”

9. Da Popster

   18 September, 2006, 12:59 pm

   When they say “Damn fine job” they really mean no raise and we’re gonna work your ass even harder. :puke:

10. Mitch

    18 September, 2006, 2:32 pm

    All I have to say is QA, HA!

    Like that ever stops a bug from making it out the door.

11. Myra

    18 September, 2006, 3:05 pm

    I have an old basketball that looks just like the gem sweater lady’s hair! She looking bloody crazy. Are we sure she’s not a postal worker?

12. Chicky

    18 September, 2006, 4:36 pm

    She looks like a bad version of Ricky Lake from Hairspray (the movie).
    The “Hefty Hideaway” helps… :dead:

13. evilmister

    18 September, 2006, 5:26 pm

    when they say ‘this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you’ what they’re really saying is ‘holy shit, this is going to hurt you so fucking much you’re ears will bleed’

    when they say ‘you know what you did wrong’ what they they really mean is ‘i can’t figure out just what you did to piss me off, but i’m sure you’re guilty of something’

    when they say ‘with all due respect’ what they’re really saying is ‘i’m about to say something horribly mean and evil and it’s going to be all about you’

    when they say ‘let’s get married’ what they’re really saying is ‘oh man, i hope to crap this line scares you away’

    when they say ‘i believe in speaking my mind’ what they’re really saying is ‘i am one tactless son-of-a-bitch’

    when they say ‘no new taxes’ what they’re really saying is ‘hell yes, there’s going to be new taxes AND i’m gonna go to war on your dollar’

    when they say ‘near miss’ what they’re really saying is ‘holy fuck am i stupid, i should have said ‘near hit”

    when they say ‘it’s not you it’s me’ they’re really saying, ‘i can’t find any one specific reason to dump you because if i tell you that it’s because you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs you’ll think i’m weird’

    when they say ‘he’s a little hefty, don’t you think’ they’re really saying ‘i bet if we tapped a vein right now we’d hit a rich motherlode of Krispy Kreme sugar’

    oh, the list …. :wtf:

14. liza

    18 September, 2006, 8:28 pm

    play-doh smells a lot better than it tastes

    :puke:

15. Flash Gordon

    18 September, 2006, 8:48 pm

    That Gem lady scares the unholy crap out of me! 😕 :wtf: 😈 👿

16. Nunu

    18 September, 2006, 10:28 pm

    Did anyone else notice that all the names of those sweaters sounded like they were stolen from bad emo bands?

17. ummm

    19 September, 2006, 9:40 pm

    The trick is not to talk to them if you can avoid it. After all, you will only have a chance to listen, so why bother? Although notoriously insensitive to technical details, they still belive themselves to be active technologists. They cannot resist the urge to “drive” projects and misdirect everyone through traiges and one-on-ones. They are IDEAS PEOPLE and RESOURCES, not producers. Well, alright, they produce Gantt charts. But most of all they TALK for a living, mostly to other product managers.

18. petra

    20 September, 2006, 1:23 pm

    I swear to God that gem lady is all over the place. She came to my town and did a show and they had a write up about her in the paper and local zines. She’s like this new famous internet personality. She travels around the country in that rv with all of her sweaters advertising it as a museum then she performs in the same city wearing those goddamn sweaters and gold pants.

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