Recent Effluvia:
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K-9 Body Parts
This photo stolen with permission of Tour De Hood, possibly Detroit’s finest blog.
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What I Learned About Caves from Movies
- An explosion in a cave, no matter how small the blast, will result in the precise amount of falling rocks needed to just cover the solitary entrance. The rocks will always be small enough to be carried away by hand.
- Even when there are tens of thousands of bats, the guano will have no affect on air quality.
- All caves have a three meter ceiling throughout the walkways.
- All caves have torch sconces on the walls. If they aren’t lit when you arrive, you needn’t worry. They have plenty of fuel still soaked in them and will blaze with the slightest spark.
- There is always a deep, rushing river in every cave, drinkable and free of E coli.
- Masks aren’t needed in movie caves, not even in coal mines. That Black Lung disease is a myth.
- All it takes to cover up an abandoned mine is a few rotted planks of wood that are nailed to the very cave itself. They will never be level and there will always be a warning, half washed away in black paint.
- It is possible to walk about inside active volcanoes without special outer gear. Remember, you can always outrun lava.
- What have you learned about caves from movies?
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Russell? Seriously?
Like many of you, I am addicted to HBO’s True Blood. Best. Show. Ever. Certainly the best vampire show. How then, did they come up with the bone-headed scheme of naming a 3,000 year-old vampire king Russell? Seriously? Russell means “red” so I can see the meaning, but seriously. A tri-millenial vampire should surely rank a spookier name than Russell.
However, since they feel this name is fitting, and from the storyline, it looks pretty certain that King Russ is going to be offed soon, I have some alternate names for the replacement king:
- Cuthbert
- Bubba Joe Billy Bob VI
- Pinkus
- Tiny Jim
- DJ Toofs
- Bingo the Clown
- Sunshine Deathray (which is apparently a real name)
- Mustafah Jones
- Dick Cheney
- What would you name the new vampire king?
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Die, Robin. Die.
For three years now, I have been attempting to grow grapes. I planted two large vines in Lizz’s yard back when we were just friends. Last year, we got engaged and the first three bunches of grapes showed up, only to be devoured by insects a month later. This year, we got married and 42 bunches of grapes appeared!
The grapes were beautiful and had just started to turn into a beautiful purple shade when they began disappearing one by one. We have one of those wild, English garden yards that dozens of birds, butterflies and other wildlife like to hang out in, so it was anyone’s guess whose stomach they were ending up in.
Then we saw him. A scraggly, fucking teenage Robin was hopping onto our pergola and snatching grapes. I didn’t believe it when my wife told me. Then I saw the bastard firsthand, sitting on our fence, grape in mouth. If beaks could smirk, then this one did. He cocked his concrete-grey head at me, swallowed the grape and flew off.
Two days later, he had eaten 90% of the grapes. I saw him sitting in the neighbor’s yard, waiting for me to leave so he could continue his life of crime. I threw a tennis ball at him and nicked a feather. He didn’t flinch. He just started chirping loudly, flew overhead and dropped a huge pile of shit near my head (I saw it coming and moved). The next morning, every grape was gone and our porch had so much bird shit, you’d swear kids were playing paint ball with bird droppings.
I don’t know much about trapping birds, but I do know one thing. One way or another, that red-breast is going down.
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English Swear Words
Link via misterarthur, who is not a son of of beach.
Swiggety-Swag
I make things. People buy them.
Tarot of the Unexplained
USD $22.95
- The first tarot deck to include cryptids, the paranormal, portals, and Forteana.
- Silver, gilded-edge 30 gsm cards
- Includes a 96-page full-color book
Magical AI Grimoire
USD $22.95
- 288 page grimoire chronicling the magical community’s adoption of tech and AI
- Learn how to use AI for spells from multiple magical systems point of view
- Forward by Peter J. Carroll
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