Recent Effluvia:

Caption Time #316

29 October, 2012
What’s Your Deepest Fear?
Out with it. What’s your deepest, darkest fear? Turns out, I have quite a few. Here’s my top ten:
1. Given a life sentence in a prison populated by mimes and clowns.
2. Rosie O’Donnell runs for president in 2016. She takes Sarah Palin as VP in a surprise move. They call it the She Party, win by a slim margin and force every man in America to become cross-dressing house slaves.
3. A global crop disease leaves the earth with only figs to eat.
4. Cats evolve opposable thumbs and take over the Illuminati.
5. Gauchos, Crocs, Jeggings, prison pants and skorts become mandatory school uniforms for children.
6. The Furby Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 2013. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Furby begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
7. Honey BooBoo’s Mama June is made president of Time-Warner Cable. Changes all televised entertainment to be “in her language.”
8. One of my sisters marries into the Romney family.
So what are your deepest fears?
20 October, 2012
What I Learned About Italians from 10 Days in Naples
1. Their local motto is, “If you can drive in Napoli, you can drive in Hell.”
2. At the outdoor cafés, pigeons are smarter than waiters.
3. The pizza really is 10 times better.
4. Pulcinella is either good luck, bad luck, an evil clown or a sex god, depending on whom you ask.
5. Napoli is full of budding Banksys.
6. Stone-washed jeans are still alive and well in Southern Italy.
7. Children not only openly use professional grade fireworks in the streets, they are encouraged to do so by adults.
8. Texting while driving gives you the right of way.
19 October, 2012
Uhhh…

USAWALTZ from Asami Ike on Vimeo.

15 October, 2012
What I Learned from Movies, XV: Cop-Out Answers
One thing I really hate? Unacceptable answers to cover a weak plot or to justify why a character can do a certain thing. The second and third Matrix movies are notorious for covering plot gaps with lines that at first listen sound like they could be deep—then you remember that these are movies with Keanu Reeves as a savior figure.

Maybe it’s a childhood thing of hating when my mother always said, “Because I said so, that’s why!” but I really dislike copout answers. Here’s some that appear in multiple films that have irked me greatly.
1. “How do you know this will work?”
  “It has to work.”
2. “How can you possibly know that?”
  “Because it is my job to know.”
3. “What if the killer doesn’t show up?”
  “He has to show up. He can’t help himself.”
4. “I just don’t see how this can possibly work.”
  “You gotta have faith. It will work.”
12 October, 2012
Some of these Klout Perks are a bit strange

Klout offers a rewards program for people with high Klout scores (read: some level of alleged influence). Yours truly has a high score so I occasionally get offered Perks (free swag). Some is cool. Not so sure about this one.

23 September, 2012
Expectation vs. Reality

22 September, 2012
It’s Friday

Feel free to share this with others.

21 September, 2012
Slowest drivers on the road
IMO, slowest drivers on the road own:
1. PT Cruiser
2. Chrysler Pacifica
3. Ford Flex
Discuss.
07 September, 2012
A Narcoleptic’s Dream Come True

30 August, 2012
My Embarassing Dream Soundtracks
As I’ve written about before, I remember most of my dreams, which isn’t so bad, but they always have a soundtrack. A bad one. Usually a short section of a song or jingle that repeats throughout the dream like a broken record. Ninety percent of the time, it’s a musical genre I would not listen to, willingly.

Worse, I wake up with the song replaying in my head. This morning, it was Olivia Newton John’s Xanadu. Here’s some of the more revolting ones from this month.
- The theme music from HGTV’s Love It or List It
- Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie
- Guns and Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle (While not a fan, this is the least miserable)
- He-Man Masters of the Universe soundtrack (fortunately, the Juno Reactor version, which is actually cool)
- Almost every Free Credit Report dot com jingle
- Alanis Morrisette’s Ironic, blecch.
- Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith. Just couldn’t be a cool Aerosmith song like Sweet Emotion or Back in the Saddle. I hate ‘Elevator’.
Does this happen to you? Please tell me I’m not the only one experiencing this.
28 August, 2012
More Terrifying Dance Moves from the ’70s

I should make this a regular Friday feature. I’ve found dozens of these.

24 August, 2012