DIY Hints You Should Probably Ignore

Need to liven up the office Xmas party? Photoshop your coworkers' heads into pictures from questionable websites and you've got a slideshow everyone will be talking about! Use Strontium-90 to soothe a colicky baby. Old Ethernet cables make great leashes for the elderly! Use "Swiffer" sheets to quickly erase your sibling's homework. Worried about what your kids are texting? Change all the phone numbers of their besties in their phone's contact list to the local police's number. Hilarity ensues. Rub butter on a sunburned, old man to roast him faster. Use a roll of tin foil to silence a nosy…

What’s Your Deepest Fear?

Out with it. What's your deepest, darkest fear? Turns out, I have quite a few. Here's my top ten: Given a life sentence in a prison populated by mimes and clowns. Rosie O'Donnell runs for president in 2016. She takes Sarah Palin as VP in a surprise move. They call it the She Party, win by a slim margin and force every man in America to become cross-dressing house slaves. A global crop disease leaves the earth with only figs to eat. Cats evolve opposable thumbs and take over the Illuminati. Gauchos, Crocs, Jeggings, prison pants and skorts become mandatory…

What I Learned About Italians from 10 Days in Naples

Their local motto is, "If you can drive in Napoli, you can drive in Hell." At the outdoor cafés, pigeons are smarter than waiters. The pizza really is 10 times better. Pulcinella is either good luck, bad luck, an evil clown or a sex god, depending on whom you ask. Napoli is full of budding Banksys. Stone-washed jeans are still alive and well in Southern Italy. Children not only openly use professional grade fireworks in the streets, they are encouraged to do so by adults. Texting while driving gives you the right of way.

What I Learned from Movies, XV: Cop-Out Answers

One thing I really hate? Unacceptable answers to cover a weak plot or to justify why a character can do a certain thing. The second and third Matrix movies are notorious for covering plot gaps with lines that at first listen sound like they could be deep—then you remember that these are movies with Keanu Reeves as a savior figure. Maybe it's a childhood thing of hating when my mother always said, "Because I said so, that's why!" but I really dislike copout answers. Here's some that appear in multiple films that have irked me greatly. "How do you know…