I Don’t Have Any Pants, So I Might As Well … Dance?

Last night before I decided to go to bed I happened to scroll through my amazingly cool satellite provider to see what was on (I like to leave the tv on to help me fall asleep so I can wake up four hours later, supremely irritated at whatever is now on, turn the television off with a grunt, and flop over to the other side of the bed).

Lo and behold, a movie that I distinctly remember as being one hell of a good watch. I mean, Tom Cruise and Rebecca deMornay banging on a subway train? Pimps? Hooker house?

I am, of course, talking about Risky Business. The premise is simple. Parents go away, straight-A uptight Republican kid goes kinda batshit, has a bunch of parties, turns his house into a brothel, gets into it with a pimp, all that shit. I mean, when my parents went away for vacation, that is so totally the first thing I did, right after building an atomic bomb in the garage.

The following scene is one of the most well-known from the movie:

It also, in retrospect and through the goggles of having been there and done that, one of the gayest things I have ever seen in my entire life that does not involve the insertion of animals into orifices.

Why on God’s Green Earth would a teenage dude, free from his parents, decide to put on a Bob Seger song (don’t get me wrong, it’s one helluva damn fine song and I’ve been known to sing a few bars in the shower), pull his white socks all the way up to his knees (slight exaggeration), wear a pink shirt (no exagerration) and prance around the living room, lip synching like the Spice Girls?

Now, hold on, you say. He’s a young man, given freedom, probably for the first time, you point out, who, in the previous scene, drank nearly 10 ounces of Chivas and proceeded to try and eat a frozen Hungry Man dinner.

What? Are you saying he’s retarded? Can’t be … his grades and the impression he gives off is that of non-retardation. Drunk, possibly. I’ll even allow it, given this: I’ve drank that much (and oh so much more) and have never once been compelled to boogie around the living room in my socks, underwear and a pink shirt.

Nor, and this is the cherry of gayness on an already bright pink gay sundae, have I ever flopped around on the couch, kicking my legs and wiggling my arms. This is not something ‘straight’ teenage boys do. This is how it must’ve come about;

Paul (the director): Ok, Tom, in this scene, you get really fucked up on Chivas and pass out on the dinner table and you wake up in a pile of your own vomit.

Tom (a xenu warrior): Um…

Paul: No, it’s ok, I encourage input. What were you thinking?

Tom: What about if I turn the music up really, really loud? Like, some awesome old hippie song or something?

Paul: Oh, wow, I like it. Annoy the neighbors, that sort of thing. That’s very Animal House, should look great. Good, good. Tom, you got this look on your face…

Tom: Can I … can I lipsynch to it? The song?

Paul: … uh … well, yeah, sure, totally we can work that in. Oh, hey, yeah, we can do a montage of you digging out your well hidden porno magazines while the song is playing. Heh heh, that’s …

Tom: Can I … well, can I dance to the song, too? In the living room, in just socks, a shirt, and my tightie whities? That’s totally what boys do, you know. When they’re alone. They dance. Always … always dancing … so pretty … I’m so … prettyyyyy….

And the director, faced with either making no movie at all or trying to figure out how to make Tom Cruise not appear to be super gay (because he was going to be a huge star), decided to allow the dancefest but insisted on the train-banging scene with Rebecca deMornay and not a shower scene with Curtis Armstrong as initially proposed by Tom.

You watch the scene again. You tell me that’s normal behaviour.


  1. Yeah, but Dave – get a Zillagirl to do that exact same routine in the identical outfit and you’ve got a 21 cum salute!


  2. LOL! Yeah, I think we all knew at an early age good ole Tom just wasn’t right in the head. I am still wondering how many takes it took for him to only look that gay and not gayer. :puke:

  3. Come on out of the closet, Tom! You too, R. Kelly. 😛

  4. adeline

    I dunno, my brother and I used to do the exact same dance to “billie jean” when I was 7 and he was 5. Maybe if we were suppressed by school and parents a little more we could of kept it going for another…10 years

  5. tomsparks

    Tom Cruise is a punk

  6. Bigwavdave

    1st – Dave – You’ve got to lay off the caffine.

    Having said that, We all know how much TC likes acting out on the couch…Remember Oprah? It’s gay, it’s TC.

    Rebecca DeMornay? Oh yeah!!! :wang: A Zilla-babe… no doubt about it.

  7. Bigwavdave

    One more thing – – – Nicole Kidman’s :wang:
    comment on her divorce from TC – “I can finally start wearing high heels again.” :wang:

  8. Spud

    Tom Cruise is punk.

  9. You mean Lee should lay off the caffeine. I didn’t write this one. Lee Bond (evilmister) is a new author here and will be writing frequently, so let me know what you think. 😀

  10. My four-year-old son and I dance in our underwear to loud music. His father has accused me of trying to gay him up.

    I figure Mama needs someone to shop with.


  11. Thanks for the up, Dave! Appreciate it. And to everyone else, thanks for the comments. Makes a fella … well … I’m all …


  12. chainstay

    Good points all around. I never could figure out, why Bob Seger? I always(and sometimes still do)crank up some metal or back in my day some punk such as Sex pisols or Plasmatics. Why Bob Seger? Granted, Seger is a fine, fine musician I like him very much. At leas TC didn’t do something like dance and lip-sync Flock of Seagulls.

  13. all what, evilmister? :wang: or :limp:

  14. oh, DEFINITELY :wang: with a smidgeon of 👿 tossed in for good measure with a tincture of :boob: and :knickers: to round things off

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