Tag: serial killers

1. If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died.
2. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map.
3. Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals.
4. If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm.
5. While the skin of a serial killer can burn, his internal organs are flame-retardant, allowing him to survive explosions, 3rd degree burns and blow-torches.
6. In any group of teenagers, the hottest girl will date the biggest asshole (he will also die the worst death).
7. Serial killers can make less noise tromping through dead leaves than a snail on glass.
8. Women running will invariably trip over an invisible branch. Wearing nothing but lingerie will increase the odds of tripping by roughly 50%.
9. Serial killers are also bullet-proof. Bullets actually give them more strength and are quickly absorbed into their bloodstream like multi-vitamins.
10. Serial killers cannot drown. They will simply relax underwater for several minutes, then silently creep up on you without dripping water.
11. Never stand within arms’ reach of a dead serial killer. This will resurrect him and he will grab your ankle (or the bloody machete you left next to him).
12. Virginity protects nerdy, bookish women from serial killers.
13. Local police do not believe in the existence of serial killers. The surgical removal of all limbs was clearly the result of a tragic accident.
14. Despite crime statistics showing most serial killers are “the guy next door,” according to Hollywood, serial killers all live in remote, backwoods regions that are invariably well-stocked with machetes, chain saws, Samurai swords, razor ribbon and military-grade explosives.
15. Serial killers, fed on a protein-rich diet of teenage livers and spleen kabobs, develop powerful muscles that enable them to punch through safety glass, saunter through solid, brick walls and tear the roofs off of sedans as easily as opening an envelope.
16. Serial killers have two fashion preferences: Cannibal Chic, a stunning ensemble consisting of hand-torn flannels and leather, accented with pentagrams, bird bones, animal heads and rusted chain suspenders. The other look — The Custodian — is more conservative. Look for a full-body jumpsuit with a monochromatic color scheme, finished with a blood-tinted hockey mask.

What have you learned about serial killers?