Pet Translation
I just realized that telling my dogs and cats, "I'm going out; be good" is translated in their minds as, "I'll be gone long enough for you to hide the evidence of whatever you're planning on destroying."
What Kind of Music Do I Like?
Over the years, I've realized that my musical taste boils down to one element that's proven remarkably accurate: If the singer or musician's name is "Kenny", there is a 99% chance I won't like it.
The Best Children’s Song Ever. By Me.
I have absolutely no memory of any children's song lyrics. I don't think I ever knew (or cared) what they were when I was a child and now that I am a father, I am resorting to making up lyrics to sing to my girl. I hope I don't screw her up too badly with my version of Hush, Little Baby: Hush little baby, don't smack a nerd, Papa's gonna buy you an odd-shaped bird. If that odd-shaped bird don't sing, Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring (I remembered this part!) If that diamond ring don't shine, Papa's gonna…
Is gravity increasing? Or is the photographer shrinking?
Seems to happen every time women cram together for a photo.
More People We Can Safely Dislike, #25
Jodi Arias supporters Twilight fans. Fuck all of you. Vampires don't sparkle. People who change their profile photo to reflect the latest meme, social cause or trend with no clue why other than their friends are all doing it, too. [DISCLAIMER: This one is probably only a Michigan thing] Drivers who get into the Michigan turn lane diagonally, thus taking up both lanes and refuse to pull out into traffic, even after a vicious, sustained honk. While, not a person, Punxsutawney Phil, who needs to be made into a rug. That useless, pus-bag has never predicted spring correctly. Ever. And…
Sleep deprivation
LIZZ: "That's it, honey." [SITTING UP, ROCKING IN BED] ME: "What are you doing?" LIZZ: "I just… I have to stay awake and…to make sure the baby doesn't fall asleep on me." ME: "What? I didn't even hear you get out of bed." LIZZ "Oh. My. God. I am losing my mind." ME: "What?!?" LIZZ: "This isn't even the baby. I've been rocking the cat."
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