Blog
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Chuck Norris
Conversation between any group of males in 1978
“Chuck Norris could beat anyone.”
“No way could Chuck Norris beat Bruce Lee.”
“Yeah, Bruce Lee ripped the heart from a live cow with one strike.”
“And he drank blood.”
“And no one to this day, knows how he died.”
“Norris got him.”
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New Scents for Yankee Candles
If Yankee Candles actually smelled like things from the Northern US, the candle scents would change up a bit.
- Brown Snowdrift
- Hoboken Hobo
- Leftover Pizza in the Fridge
- Warm IPA
- Overpriced, Overly-Sweet Cocktail that Looked Good in the Menu, But Wasn’t
- Women’s’ Room After a Concert
- Crushed Black Fly
- Lacrosse Coach
- Middle-Eastern Man’s Cologne
- Air from a Hipster’s Bike Tire
- Flint Beach Water
- Union Worker Angst
- Mosquito Blood
- Coney Island Hotdog, Extra Onions
- Sublime Subway
- Rust
- Vacation Bible School
- Detroit Bar Mat
- Panera Lemon
- Fear of the South
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Skunked
Last night I was almost sprayed by a skunk. It was tiny. Not much bigger than a baby squirrel, but the sight of its raised tail made me shriek and run away like a scared toddler.
What. Me embarrassed?
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Siri is the devil
Was just in a client phone conference when SIRI popped up from my AppleWatch with this:
SIRI: “Did you accidentally summon me?”
ME: “Summon you? What are you, a demon?”
SIRI: “Let’s talk about you, David. Not me.”Should I be afraid? I think I should be afraid.
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It was 20 years ago today…
Twenty years ago today, I quietly launched this little humor blog called Davezilla. It’s now one of the longest running humor blogs on Earth (if not the longest).
One thing I am incredibly proud of is the amazing folks I have met through this site. Heroes (to me) like Jeffrey Zeldman, Heather Champ, Jesse James Garrett, Chris Brogan, Sara Evans, Alexis Ohanian, Matt Mullenweg, and too many more to mention. You know who you are.
This blog has been featured in Wired multiple times, a book by Yahoo! called Five Years that Influenced the Web, and American Greetings even made a desk calendar of my Manly Tips for Bachelor Living section.
The anagrams were my real start. In 1999, I started making anagrams of celebrities, accompanied by cartoons. Encouraged by Heather Champ to continue doing them, I began seeing my anagrams appearing on university sites, in books, and circulated through emails.
I figured I had a popular blog when a few things happened.
Davezilla.com Timeline:
1999:
My mother forwarded me an email that had two dozen forwards already called, “Ways to annoy waitstaff” and said I’d probably like it. I replied, “Yes I do. I wrote it.”
2000:
I got my first hate mail (2000). Definitely a good sign.
2001:
I got a cease and desist letter from billion dollar company in Japan. Toho, to be precise. Owners of all things Godzilla. Their law firm was sending out random C&Ds to any site with “zilla” in the name.
I laughed about the C&D. Then freaked out. Then calmed down as I recalled that a new browser called Mozilla wasn’t being sued. Neither was a popular new show called Bridezillas.
Instead, I asked several (150) blogger buds to repost my C&D. I got free legal help from all over the world. I also got a TON of free publicity. My site went from 200 visitors a day to 60,000 a minute (thanks to Slashdot, Wired, and Metafilter).
I got interviewed 116 times over the C&D. I got on TV. Harvard Law School wrote about it.
My web host was not amused by the spike and called me at home. Le sigh.
Blogging has slowed down…
Today, blogging doesn’t seem to have the camaraderie that it had back then. My audience has moved (mostly) to Facebook. I got married, and have two adorable, precocious girls. My blogging time became limited.
But this year will change that. Times are getting weird again, and it’s time to anagram.
Here’s looking at 20 more years of Davezilla…
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Holy fucking shit, kid
Holy fucking shit, kid. I need a god damn pizza -
Call me Treebeard
FOUR YEAR OLD: “You know what would be so cool, Daddy?”
ME: “What?”
FOUR YEAR OLD: “If instead of a beard, you could grow a tree on your face.”
THREE YEAR OLD: “That would not be good.”
ME: “No?”
THREE YEAR OLD: “It would be amazing.”
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People we can safely dislike #26
- People who refuse to include punctuation in email or texts.
- The guy (it’s always a guy) who passes you on the road and then promptly slows down.
- That lady who refuses to admit she misdialed you… again.
- Men who wear Crocs with business suits.
- Young men who think wearing a vest with a porkpie hat makes them jazz musicians.
- Older women who think wearing loud mumus with oversized glasses makes them artists.
- People who rasp, wheeze, and smell like a nicotine factory and claim they “quit ten years ago.”
- The cheap bastard who drinks 3/4 of his expensive cocktail before returning it, claiming they made the wrong drink. Then re-orders the same thing.
- Anyone with a straw hat.
- The person in the picture and whatever she’s doing to that poor baby [PHOTO COURTESY: NoWayGirl.com]
- Anyone who owns more than three parrots.
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