Recent Effluvia:

When you describe yourself as being, “Svelte.”
We hear, “Bulimic.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Curvy.”
We hear, “Fat.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Buxom.”
We hear, “Morbidly obese.”

When you describe yourself as, “Creative.”
We hear, “Kinky.”

When you describe yourself as, “Having classic looks.”
We hear, “6/10.”

When you describe yourself as, having “European looks.”
We hear, “My nose could split logs.”

When you describe yourself as, “Sexy.”
We hear, “Puts out on first date.”

When you describe yourself as, “Having unique looks.”
We hear, “May frighten small children.”

When you describe yourself as, “A picky eater.”
We hear, “I will complain about anything and everything.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Breezy.”
We hear, “Unemployed, possibly homeless.”

When you describe yourself as, “A femme fatale.”
We hear, “I’m completely psychotic.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Lonely, but looking.”
We hear, “Desperate.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A real party girl!”
We hear, “My vagina can house an NBA team. And has!”

When you describe yourself as being, “Career-minded.”
We hear, “I like to shag on my desk.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A strong athlete.”
We hear, “A strong lesbian.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Honest.”
We hear, “Gullible.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Open minded.”
We hear, “Open relationship.”

When you describe yourself as, “Observant.”
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A Church-goer.”
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.”

When you describe yourself as, “Loving food.”
We hear, “Kirstie Alley.”

Relax, women. The opposite version comes out tomorrow.