How to Clear a Restaurant at Closing Time

1. Repeatedly play, as loudly as your sound system can handle, the theme song from “Charles in Charge.”
2. Walk from the kitchen eating a cup of soup. Cough and spew the soup everywhere. Turn back facing the kitchen and scream, “Jesus Henry, you didn’t get all the broken glass outta this soup!”
3. Within earshot of the customer, casually mention “Yeah this is the table that guy died at. I just wish they would have let us wipe this table down before they sat these people at it.”
4. Let out a blood-curdling scream from the kitchen. Release a ferret in the dining area. Chase after it screaming, “That furry bastard bit off my finger!”
5. Have the entire kitchen staff dress up as clowns. Walk into the dining area while sharpening cleavers. Slowly grin at the patrons.
6. Drop some discarded fish parts in a mop bucket. Allow them to “ripen.” Leave bucket in the dining area near patrons.
7. Start scratching violently. Encourage other waitstaff to do the same. Start crying and wailing. Ask each other if they had the soup as well.
8. Sit down with the customers. Involve yourself in their conversation. Interrupt everything they say and contradict them continuously. Finally, jump up pointing an accusing finger and scream, “Liar! I NEVER slept with either of you!”
9. Ask them if they drive a [whatever car is left in lot]. When they affirm, sigh quietly and look down. Mumble something about how sad it is that those sick vandals will probably never get caught.
10. Sniff your fingers while frowning.

Copyright 2000 Davezilla but feel free to spread it around.

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