You will never be this cool

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Small car only

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Bad things to get fired over

Imitate South Park characters for the duration of an important client meeting. Terrorize the staff by pretending to be "a big, angry bear". Hide office silverware in the photocopier. Play Orson Welles' War of the Worlds radio broadcast on the loudspeaker system. Throw out office equipment in an effort to, "appease our new, alien overlords." Call in sick with projectile leprosy. Stalk yourself and send complaints to Human Resources about your Evil Twin. Draw "tattoos" on coworkers with Bic pens. Form rival gangs and take over hallways. Tell your coworkers you can tell the future using paperclips. Predict that everyone…

I do my social work there, too

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URL Grey Tea

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Note to Self: No. 6,444

There is a vile invention, one which I was seduced into buying in a weak moment. The product is known as the SudaCare Shower Soother, a blue tablet that when dropped into a shower stall, alleges to release menthol vapors, much as a cyanide capsule does to a condemned prisoner. The cyanide capsule, I am led to believe, smells faintly of almond. This would be far preferable to the scent offered by the Shower Soother, whose own musk resembles a cough drop that has been generously marinaded in kerosene and set ablaze. Note to Self: Find the group responsible for…

Caption Time #147

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More words and phrases we hate

Topic suggestion by Sherri P. "Don't be a hater." I prefer, "Don't be a ne'erdowell. Beyotch." "Guys, let's really think outside the box on this one, k?" "I think we've screwed the pooch." I really hate it when people make compound words from words that shouldn't be compound. For example, "Whatsay you and I have a looksee at a couplethree of those?" "Irregardless" Not a real word, dipshit. "I'm a fiscal Republican." Like that somehow absolves you of sin. "Beware of Internet predators" As if we have rabid jackals lurking in our computers. "Are you aware that you're wearing white…

Forget James Kim — find Voo-Voo!

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Overused Movie Clichés #4: Cops & Strippers

In any strip club, there will only only three men at the catwalk, watching the strippers. These men will only hand out one dollar tips, yet the strippers will somehow earn $1,000+ a night and live in lavish apartments. There will also be one bouncer in the strip club and a detective at the bar who "knows the girls". None of the strippers are ever crack or heroin addicts. All male action leads are able deliver straight face comedic lines in the face of danger. There is always a parking spot in front of any hospital, police station, movie theatre.…