Why I hate local news

Brock: “On today’s headlines, why opening your front door could be hazardous to your health.”
Michelle: “Also on today’s headlines, you may be harboring a menace in your refrigerator and not even know it. Hear about dangers to your children that are lurking in your kitchen.”
Brock: “But first, a look at this morning’s waking-up weather report.”
Skip: “Looks like we’re in for some wild weather. I’ll tell you all about it, right after we hear about this morning’s commute.”
Deb: “Area freeways are looking congested. I’ll tell you which ones, right after the break.”

[ commercial break ]

Brock: “A recent study showed that opening doors too quickly can often throw out your shoulder, leaving you suffering in pain, and out of work for minutes. Back to you, Michelle.”
Michelle: “Thanks for that enlightening report, Brock. I think we can all learn something there. But first, this morning’s weather report.”
Skip: “Crazy weather ahead, and it looks like it may affect your drive to work.”
Deb: “That’s right, Skip. Ha ha ha. There sure are a lot of cars out there. Let’s break for a commercial.”

[ commercial break ]

Brock: “In local news, an area teen is making headlines by being the first teenager that does not own an iPod.”
Michelle: “Are you kidding me? That just can’t be! No iPod? Oh, and um, we bombed some country in the east.”
Brock: “Yeah, can you believe that? Just when you think this country has gone too far, you hear about kids with no iPods. It just breaks my heart. Skip? How’s it looking out there?”
Skip: “Looks like we’re in for weather, Brock. If we look up one year ago today, we had weather on this exact same day. How’s that for weird?”
Deb: “Hahahahah. That sure is weird, Skip, but not as weird as a kid with no iPod! Hahahahahaha. That’s the news. Have a great day, everyone.”

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14 Replies to “Why I hate local news”

  1. After the break, we’ll examine the damage done to your brain by the insipid local news. Stay tune for that one.

  2. Brock: So this morning as I came into the studio Debbie wasn’t making coffee but crying on the phone, having a fight with her boyfriend. It sounded like a doozie.

    Deb: I was not! I don’t cry. It was just a little tiff with him, that’s all.

    Skip: Oh she’s sexy when she’s mad. Kinda gets the blood rushing. Especially when she’s wearing that striped miniskirt, my favorite–how come you don’t wear it anymore?

    Brock: Maybe she’s just going through that monthly thing ha! ha!

    Michelle: Hey leave Deb alone! It’s almost time for the traffic report any way.

    Brock: Not yet. So Michelle when do you fight with this mysterious husband of yours?

    Michelle: I do, just not at work.

    Skip: She micromanages her fighting between the hours of 5:00 pm to 5:00 am. Ha!

    Michelle: Oh pipe down, knuckle-nut. The traffic on I-95 is congested on Goldenrod and the turn-0ff at I-4 with accidents on Orange Avenue near City hall and Tupelo.

    Deb: You might wanna take another route.

    Skip: Or stay in bed an extra 15 minutes and rub one out ha!

    (Laughter and canned applause)

    Brock: It’s 7:34 on the Brock and Skip Show!

    (Song fades on by Green Day)

  3. i don’t think my local news is that bad…
    most of the time they just talk about some kid doing something special and then 90% is just talking about bad stuff.

  4. hey man, I don’t even want one! now THAT’s news!!! Someone who couldn’t give a flying flip about the I-pod.

  5. News reports are useless program that mean to destroy all those happy feelings that you want to keep. 👿 However, local news is usually just silly stuff, so it’s okay… usually. I remember a news report from Japan with one of the world’s oldest women. They asked what her secret is. She said, paraphrasing here, “Nothing.” A bit disappointing, but I laughed my ass off for the old girl. That’s the kind of news I like.

  6. awesome. at my house they only talk about who’s bombing who, how many kids died in a bus accident, what serial killer wasn’t really meaning to do what, etc. maybe they’ll talk about some girl who’s really good at soccer and school. local “hero”. or maybe a puppy who survived a rainstorm for a weekend all alone. that’s our bad news and our good news for the week. it stinks.

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