What’s in your background check?

I once ran a background check on myself. Hey, I don’t always know where I’ve been. Most of it was fairly straightforward (previous addresses, phone numbers, tax records, etc.) but a few things arose that totally threw me. How did they know these things?

For instance, they knew…

  1. …that I roll the toilet paper over, not under.
  2. …that I prefer boxers to briefs.
  3. …that I had favorited the History Channel, but never actually watched it.
  4. …that I know how to pick up an ice cube using only a piece of string and some salt.
  5. …that I know how to say “Dammit” in ten languages.
  6. …that I leave the water running when I brush my teeth.
  7. …that I never eat leftovers.
  8. …that I think ferrets are stinky pets.
  9. …that I still haven’t read Catcher in the Rye.
  10. …that I know where Waldo is.

What would we find in your background check?

37 Replies to “What’s in your background check?”

  1. I once asked myself that very same question Dave,

    So I hired a private detective to follow me for a few days.

    After about a month he came back with nothing, other than the fact that I had a birds nest in my hedge and the guy next door was throwing empty beer cans into my conifer.

    Imagine my suprise when I recived a bill for £450 + expenses! Turns out I’d hired a “privet” detective by mistake!

    I had to laugh.

    😉 Peace Out Me Hearties!

    ReV

  2. 1. …that I scrunch the toilet paper.
    2. …that I prefer briefs to boxers.
    3. …that I had favorited the History Channel, and had actually watched it.
    4. …that I know how to make a bomb in three parts.
    5. …that I know how to say “Fuckin Hell” in 10 languages.
    6. …that I leave the water running when I brush my teeth.
    7. …that I always eat leftovers.
    8. …that I think cats are stinky pets.
    9. …that I still haven’t read Mein Kampf.
    10. …that I don’t know where Waldo is.

  3. 1. …that i haven’t got any money for toilet paper
    2. …that i prefer men with boxers
    3. … that i had favorited the History Channel without being sure what it actually is
    4. … that i know many excellent ways for killing time
    5. … that i can say “Dammit”
    6. …that dental hygeine isn’t one of my biggest worries
    7. … that i am known to eat everything within a five metre radius of me
    8. …that all my pets have met a quick yet a mysterious end
    9. …that i’ve read Mein Kampf
    10. … that i don’t care where Waldo is

  4. That I call my dog penis ..(have you seen my …….)
    that I read Davezilla
    that I actually like winter
    snowboarding is not a FBI torture
    that my dog want to eat cats
    that I haven’t read Cosmo
    that I always leave the water on when I am showering

  5. That I spent $1,400 on a waste can to go with my $35,000 commode that I wouldn’t dream of crapping in.

    Well, truth be known, I am constipated most of the time.

  6. [quote comment=”626240″]That I spent $1,400 on a waste can to go with my $35,000 commode that I wouldn’t dream of crapping in.

    Well, truth be known, I am constipated most of the time.[/quote]

    And a shit-disturber the rest of the time? 😉

    WTF makes a terlot worth $35k? :wtf:

  7. …that I use rhubarb leaves
    …that I prefer going commando
    …that I had favorited the jon dore show and watched it religiously
    …that I know how to pick up an ice cube and drop it into a vodka and soda over and over
    …that I know how to say “pog mahol” in ten languages.
    …that I leave the water running when I need to pee.
    …that I never leave leftovers.
    …that I think parents and children are stinky pets.
    …that I still haven’t read where’s waldo.
    …that I know where the wet spot is.

  8. – When life gives you lemons, find someone who was given Vodka and have a party
    – Commando seems to be better
    – annoyingly flexible
    – If I get to know Waldo better, I may find him

  9. [quote comment=”626241″][quote comment=”626240″]That I spent $1,400 on a waste can to go with my $35,000 commode that I wouldn’t dream of crapping in.

    Well, truth be known, I am constipated most of the time.[/quote]

    And a shit-disturber the rest of the time? 😉

    WTF makes a terlot worth $35k? :wtf:[/quote]

    Indubitably, StevieC. 😛

    Apparently it’s “on legs”. :wtf:

  10. 10 … the rumour that I left Canada is greatly exaggerated.

    9 … the photograph of me and Chilean President Michelle Bachelet was not Photoshopped

    8 … that I prefer “coming” to “going”

    7 … that I went to more than one taping of “King of Kensington” at VTR in Yorkville.

    6 … that not once did I see a Meryl Streep movie prior to “Death Becomes Her” — and no, I haven’t seen any others.

    5 … that my divorces were not due to sexual caprices.

    4 … that I have never been heard to say “oot” or “aboot”, eh. I watch “HOUSE”, not “HOOSE”

    3 … that any caged bird in my presence for more than a week DIES

    2 … that I let Grace Lee Whitney kiss me in the ’70s at a Star Trek Convention in Toronto

    1 … that I call him WALLY

  11. “on legs”. well that explains the extra $34,000.00. hopefully it’s got a giant pecker and cooks as well! i don’t imagine the “legged” $1,400.00 trash can will ever know what it is like to receive a piece of spuds “scrunched” tissue. :love:

  12. Well, I’m not sure what John Thain would need another pecker for, he seems to be screwing people pretty well with the one he has.

    But then again, you may be onto something junkman. Perhaps he could actually use his brain to make intelligent decisions if he had two to work with. You know, one for this, one for that… 🙄

    Nor your rhubarb leaves, I’m afraid. 😛 :love:

  13. Okay new post!

    👿

    Lesbians…………………………………………….

    GOOD THING………………OR A BAD THING?

    P.S I personally support their work…..I have all their DVD’s so I’m not a racist or anything.

    GIRL POWER!

    SEE YOU LATER SPECIAL LLAMA’S! 😉 😉

    LESBIANS TO CONVERT….TO CHRIST OF COURSE! PRAISE THE LORD!

  14. Hmmmmmmmmmm at this point in my life, I could care what they have on me, the fact that I’m still alive and kicking is testament enough. 😉

  15. [quote comment=”626254″]Well, I’m not sure what John Thain would need another pecker for, he seems to be screwing people pretty well with the one he has.

    But then again, you may be onto something junkman. Perhaps he could actually use his brain to make intelligent decisions if he had two to work with. You know, one for this, one for that…

    🙄

    Nor your rhubarb leaves, I’m afraid.

    😛

    :love:[/quote]

    Ahhh … another John Thain fan. Be sure to kick him in the commode next time you see him.

  16. [quote comment=”626252″]10 … the rumour that I left Canada is greatly exaggerated.
    [/quote]

    So how many other Canucks have we got here. Meagan, Rust, me … I know there are others.

    Anyone … anyone?

  17. I just want to know which background check service you used, Dave!

    “There is a such a thing as too much information…”

  18. 1. …that i wrap not scrunch the toilet paper
    2. …that i prefer men without boxers or briefs
    3. … that i don’t really care about the History Channel
    4. … that i like ice cubes……in JD & diet Coke
    5. … that my favorite three words (or letters) are WTF
    6. …that i always brush my teeth before morning sex
    7. … that i absolutely hate leftovers
    8. …that house plants don’t stand a chance with me
    9. …that i always read the comics
    10. … who the hell is Waldo?

  19. That I keep my vibrators in a drawer beside my bed.
    That I also keep chocolate in the same drawer beside my bed.
    That I’m actually a LOT more twisted than anyone thinks me to be.
    That I’ve watched the movie Catwoman more than once. (It’s only because I love a woman in leather and who carries a whip).
    That I spend more money buying romance novels than I do buying toilet paper.
    That I prefer push-up bras to sports bras.

  20. OMG – What could I possibly add to what has already pen posted?

    @ AnnieB – What ever you are up for…I’m IN!!! 😯

  21. that i read davezilla just to make it thru my day……. 😉
    that i love all the zilla regulars…. :wang:

  22. [quote comment=”626261″][quote comment=”626252″]10 … the rumour that I left Canada is greatly exaggerated.
    [/quote]

    So how many other Canucks have we got here. Meagan, Rust, me … I know there are others.

    Anyone … anyone?[/quote]
    thought i had always been up front being canuckistani :geek:

  23. When visiting in Canada (skiing, fishing, etc.) It always sounded funny to hear the locals refer to the U.S. as “South of the border”.

  24. [quote comment=”626304″]
    thought i had always been up front being canuckistani :geek:[/quote]

    Yep, you have always been proud to be from Canadia. My apologies for the lack of mention. There are others here as well, but I’m drawing a blank on who.

    Oh, and BWD – to us, you are south of the border. Reminds me of the old joke: We’re bigger and we’re on top. If this was prison, you’d be our bitch.

  25. [quote comment=”626308″]OUCH! Be gentle :wtf:

    I don’t suppose Mandy & AnnieB are Canucks?[/quote]
    don’t know but when i think of them i’m always thinking south of the border. :wang:

  26. [quote comment=”626307″][quote comment=”626304″]
    thought i had always been up front being canuckistani :geek:[/quote]

    Yep, you have always been proud to be from Canadia. My apologies for the lack of mention. There are others here as well, but I’m drawing a blank on who.

    Oh, and BWD – to us, you are south of the border. Reminds me of the old joke: We’re bigger and we’re on top. If this was prison, you’d be our bitch.[/quote]

    If I recall correctly, our Host and Mentor here, the Great Davezillation Sweeping the Nation, USED TO go out with a Natalie from Tronna. So that qualified him for “Canadian by Association” status. Apparently the Guvmint of Canada gives you a tax break for it.

    Apparently Natalie has changed her home town and her name to Liz, so ’nuff said. Or, it’s possible that all females of that particular appellation are… well… NUTZ. As in NUTTY — or NUTalie. Well, this is true for the Mother of My Son in South America. She’s a freakin’ NUT case. But I digress: this too, is far too much information, and none of it is true.

  27. [quote comment=”626318″][quote comment=”626307″]…. But I digress: this too, is far too much information, and none of it is true.[/quote]

    But it will likely appear on any upcoming background checks.

  28. 1…I’m not a lesbian, but I like to watch lesbian porn.
    2…I was in a band for 4 years and we never played out.
    3…I love karaoke. (So much so, I own a karaoke company)
    4…I prefer to go to other people’s karaoke so I can be the drunk asshole who won’t leave the DJ alone.
    5…I don’t like dogs, esp. puppies.
    6…I don’t like kids.
    7…I don’t like cats.
    8…I have a dog, a puppy, 4 kids and 2 cats
    9…If it wasn’t for the History Channel, I couldn’t be a condesending know-it-all.
    10…I haven’t watched enough NCIS or CSI to get away with murder……..yet.

  29. [quote comment=”626307″][quote comment=”626304″]
    thought i had always been up front being canuckistani :geek:[/quote]

    Yep, you have always been proud to be from Canadia. My apologies for the lack of mention. There are others here as well, but I’m drawing a blank on who.

    Oh, and BWD – to us, you are south of the border. Reminds me of the old joke: We’re bigger and we’re on top. If this was prison, you’d be our bitch.[/quote]
    Well, I’m sorry. This isn’t a prison….. So bend over bitch. J/k all in fun. I always enjoy what you have to say.

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