What I Learned About Caves from Movies

  1. An explosion in a cave, no matter how small the blast, will result in the precise amount of falling rocks needed to just cover the solitary entrance. The rocks will always be small enough to be carried away by hand.
  2. Even when there are tens of thousands of bats, the guano will have no affect on air quality.
  3. All caves have a three meter ceiling throughout the walkways.
  4. All caves have torch sconces on the walls. If they aren’t lit when you arrive, you needn’t worry. They have plenty of fuel still soaked in them and will blaze with the slightest spark.
  5. There is always a deep, rushing river in every cave, drinkable and free of E coli.
  6. Masks aren’t needed in movie caves, not even in coal mines. That Black Lung disease is a myth.
  7. All it takes to cover up an abandoned mine is a few rotted planks of wood that are nailed to the very cave itself. They will never be level and there will always be a warning, half washed away in black paint.
  8. It is possible to walk about inside active volcanoes without special outer gear. Remember, you can always outrun lava.
  9. What have you learned about caves from movies?

5 Replies to “What I Learned About Caves from Movies”

  1. If trapped in a cave/mine by a cave-in, don’t worry, lack of air/noxious fumes will not be an issue and help will be there with the means to get you out in minutes- unlike the weeks it takes to find trapped miners… or, a member of your group who went ahead will double back and dig you out (see #1 above)

    Caves always, and someone will know it, have another way out…

    Someone always will have had the foresight to pack a flashlight…

  2. That sound of echoing dripping water will be heard in the first scene when you enter a cave but will disappear once it has been established that yes this is in fact a cave, only to be heard again when things get quiet and creepy.

    You will wonder why a huge dragon chooses to live in a cave full of human-sized passageways.

    Underground chasms will always be crossable by some kind of naturally formed rock-bridge which, despite having been there for thousands of years, will start to crumble slowly when you begin to walk across it.

    Cave lakes or cave pools are ALWAYS home to some horrible unknown creature.

  3. Even though cobwebs are all over the place, you can simply brush them away and they won’t stick to you.

    If you go deep enough, there will be a well-lit room with enough gold to make you look like a modern day (c)rap star. Whoever goes the craziest over the gold will be the first to die.

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