What I’ve learned from cats

  1. New shoes are the natural repository for cats to vomit into
  2. Your current reading material is the most comfortable place to take a nap
  3. There is no cupboard door made that cannot be pried open with a paw
  4. The ideal surface for removing clingy cat litter from paws is a laptop keyboard
  5. If it can be clawed apart, it will be. If it was meant to be clawed apart, it will be ignored.
  6. Catnip is exciting sure, but houseplants, now that’s a real rush.
  7. Some of the scultpures in the litterbox Zen garden are deemed too important to be buried and must be shared with others
  8. Open windows must be ignored until the exact second they are closed, at which time, their intrinsic value is intantly recognized
  9. Chin scratching is an act which must have no ending or time limit. Ever.
  10. What have you learned from cats?
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43 Replies to “What I’ve learned from cats”

  1. Hairballs must be strategically located in the middle of a hallway — after midnight, for your eventual discovery, preferably barefooted on your way to the bathroom in the dark.

  2. 11. That we are meant to serve, not be served by, cats. Unfortunately they already know and expect this.
    12. That no flower bed is sacred to an outdoor cat.
    13. An indoor cat will try to ensure that no planter is sacred, if physiologically possible.
    14. Curtains are but ladders to cats.
    15. New furniture is the designated scratching post.
    16. Shed hair and dander will travel to places and corners you thought unimaginable.

  3. Cacti’s teach cats not to eat plants, but you shall be hated forever.
    But you will always be hated anyway.

  4. [Comment ID #215010 will be quoted here]

    I can’t think of any others apart from what Patrick has just said, so that’ll do me.

  5. The term “catwalk” must have come from someone watching a cat walk away from him/her because hands down, the cat has a natural sexy walk.

    When you’re feeling fantastic, purr. Wanna make someone smile, purr in their ear. :kiss:

    Stretch like a cat when you wake up to work all the kinks out.

    How to acknowledge and ignore. 😐

  6. When a cat is intensively focused on a squirrel 20 feet away, so completely focused that he has shut out all other sound and motion, so focused that he is doing the There’s-my-fuckin’-lunch quiver, never – I repeat – NEVER sneak up behind him and poke him in his ribs and scream “BOO” as loud as you can.

    Believe me when I tell you–it’s just WAY to embarrassing to have to keep repeating the story to each and every person that attends to you in the Emergency Room.

  7. Cats think they’re gods, dogs think we are gods!

    Be a dog – If you can’t eat it or hump it, piss on it & walk away! :wtf:

  8. If you’re a young kitten, just learning to catch prey
    (such as a 18 inch nightcrawler), instinct lets you know that- without any doubt- the proper manner to display your hunting prowess is to slink into the pitch-black house, prowl into the bedroom and place your trophy directly on the pillow of your “master”,
    ensuring that once he’s rolled over on his other side & made the determination that the wriggling goo under his face is NOT his own drool-
    why, then you will receive the massive approval you so richly deserve.

    This same cat, 3 years later, led to me being awakened after a long night of partying & way too little sleep by my girlfriend saying, “Jay?! The cat brought a live bird in the cat-door: it got away from him and is now trapped in the bathroom, with the cat pacing up & down underneath him. Oh, did I mention that the bird is shitting EVERYWHERE?!”

    [On the plus side, you never saw a more disgusted cat when I (somehow) managed to capture the bird & release it via the very same cat-door it came in through.]

  9. Show up for dinner. Escort the dinner-provider until dinner is served, so dinner doesn’t get forgotten. Lead the way, follow, rub on legs, alternate positions until dinner hits the pan. Then take care of business (grooming, nap) until next Dinner time.

  10. If you are a new girlfriend then you’re favorite shoe’s, clothe’s and anything else shiney must be clawed, chewed, and then thrown up on. just to ensure she knows who you are!

  11. That pregnant cats, when the time finally arrives, seem to need a very very private place to give birth.

    So if your baby-momma cat hasn’t been seen for a few days, check in the basement…up above the suspended ceiling, up in the rafters and wires and pipes, about 10 feet in from any easy access. “Well look at the new family in there! SHIT!”

  12. – That the best way to kill your owners is to trip them on the stairs.
    – A piece of string can amuse anyone, especially when you’re high on catnip.
    – It’s easy to hide in an open box just by ducking down.
    – All paper bags must be attacked by darting in and out of them quickly.

  13. My cat is smart, loving and well mannered. Just like me.

    Obviously the questionable behavior of everyone else’s cats is simply a reflection of the poor example their owner has set forth. Tsk, tsk.

    I give you, to wit …

    1. New shoes are what I usually vomit onto.
    2. My current reading material is Playboy, after which I need a nap.
    3. There is no cupboard door made that cannot be pried open with my big toe.
    4. The ideal surface for removing poop from my feet is my laptop keyboard.
    5. If it can be built, it will be, but not by me. If I cannot find someone else to build it, it will stay torn apart and it will be ignored.
    6. Weed is exciting sure, but coke, now that’s a real rush.
    7. Some of the sculptures in the Zen garden are deemed too obscene to be shared with others and must be buried.
    8. Open windows must be ignored until the exact second my neighbor prances around nude at which time, their intrinsic value is intantly recognized.
    9. Ball scratching is an act which must have no ending or time limit. Ever.
    10. What else have you learned from Dave, you poor cats?

    Okay, I was bored and had nothing better to do. 😛

  14. an eleven pound cat can put 44 pounds of pressure on a full bladder at 4:30am….if its food dish is empty

  15. [Comment ID #215048 will be quoted here]

    You didn’t mean that did you? a retreaded cat knows less than a man, I think.

  16. [Comment ID #215048 will be quoted here]yes. but we are more difficult to truss up in a gunny sack and toss from a pier. 💡

  17. Nothing more annoying then loud chirping birds those mornings when you get a chance to sleep in is a cat making some god awful noises at those chirping birds.

    If I there is anything I want to wear that looks somewhat nice my cat will lay on it or rub up against it until there is a nice coat of hair. If I try to move it inevitably her nails will snag a section right in front… somewhere in direct eye contact…

  18. . that Samantha (miss cat)knows you don’t like her and therefore nobody care whether you like her or not

  19. . that Samantha (miss cat)knows you don’t like her and therefore nobody care whether you like her or not

  20. That 4:30am is the best time to play the “Knock shit down from high places” game. Oh, and meow really loud while you do it so everyone will get up and play with you! 👿

  21. [Comment ID #215481 will be quoted here]

    I agree, and would you please move your hands for
    us. :wang: :wang: :boob: :boob:

  22. I learned that as sayings go, “when the cat’s away the mice will play”

    I prefer the real world and “if the cat will play, the dog gets laid”

  23. That the best scratching is done when I’m pleased. 😈
    Purring is an international language. 😈
    That I only hurt you (to the point of requiring an ER visit) if you really piss me off… 😈
    That the best things happen at night.
    Don’t come to me unless I ask you to.
    It’s Tuff Luv, deal with it.
    Give Me Attention Dammit!!
    I only bring you ‘gifts’ because I love you and wanna make sure you’re well fed.

  24. My cat has taught me that it’s purrfectly ok to have more than one boyfriend..

    It’s cool to yell like a banshee when I’m getting some
    … more importantly, when I’m not getting any…

    I can lick myself anytime and anywhere I please, if I can reach it, even in front of company…

    It’s totally ok for me to give you my sexy ass to kiss when I dont like you.. or even if I do.

    That I deserve your undying devotion, never ending attention (only when I ask for it though), loyalty and all the dam food I can eat just because I’m cute and mildly interested in you..

    I can stay out all night, running the streets like a horny hooker and still be welcome in your bed anytime..

    that the only time I need a male in my life is if he has a :wang: that :limp: ones are totally useless…

    I can :puke: anywhere .. somebody WILL clean it up

  25. [Comment ID #215504 will be quoted here]
    Astryd, you’re my kind of cat… If I find your ‘Tail Go Up Spot’, will you arch your back and make bread on me? 😛

    Speaking of ‘Tail GoUp Spots’, Nicolette’s avatar is a prime example… :wang: 😛 😈

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