Victoria’s Secret Holding Tank for Men

When men take women to shop for lingerie, there’s one small problem. While you’re off in your cramped changing room, slipping into your flimsy underthings, we have to stay outside and look natural. As any man can attest to, this is no small feat. Try putting your hands in your front pockets in a crowded Victoria’s Secret sometime and see what kind of looks you get from other women. And security.

I myself would not mind waiting, if it were not for this temporary discomfiture. However, knowing I may soon be seeing my lovely woman in less fabric than it takes to swaddle a June Bug is certainly worth the embarrassment.

I believe men should be offered a waiting area with a coffee bar, perhaps a few video screens showcasing the better changing rooms. That being impossible, there is one thing my fellow men should be aware of: Your chances with her after you’ve paid for said lingerie. How does one decipher the female mind? Don’t bother. Instead, read the unwritten signals. The type of lingerie she purchases in front of you is a spot-on indicator of what she wants.

  1. Lacy hot pants: A good spanking
  2. Flannel pajamas: Snuggling in front of a warm fire
  3. Granny briefs: Try again in five days
  4. Silk robe: All day in bed
  5. G-string: Wild animal sex. Crutches for the following morning sold separately
  6. Terry cloth robe: Forced to watch Sleepless in Seattle
  7. Plain, white cotton bikinis: Missionary. Once. Lights off.
  8. Pajama bottoms only: Boobies!
  9. Boy briefs: Did I mention that I’m fucking your best friend, too?
  10. Imitation lingerie from Sears that you grabbed while buying a table saw: Sleeping bag on the couch. Alone.
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27 Replies to “Victoria’s Secret Holding Tank for Men”

  1. Former Vickie’s Gold card slave piping in here with a question:
    What would trying on a black, lacy Very Sexy push-up bra with matching thong say?:kiss:

    Btw, what did you end up buying Natalie? :thong:

  2. Scene Γ’β‚¬β€œ Wife trying a dress on in front of a boutique mirror. Husband, bored and extremely exasperated standing beside her with a pile of dresses in his arms. They have obviously been shopping for some hours and the guy is at the end of his tether.

    Wife Γ’β‚¬β€œ Does this dress make me look fat?

    Hubby Γ’β‚¬β€œ No Honey, the dress doesnÒ€ℒt make you look fat. (loud enough for the whole shop to hear) ITÒ€ℒS YOUR BIG ASS THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT!

    The guy must have been on sexual bread and water for the rest of that year.

  3. Once again, you forgot one of the most IMPORTANT pieces of underwear:

    Crotchless Panties and their close cousin Peek-a-boo Bra

    This is an indicator of hot monkey-sex in the computer room while downloading pr0n. Either that or she wants to try out your “X-RAY SPECS”

  4. To get those, rust, I think you’d have to buy ’em over at Vickie’s slutty cousin of a store, Fredericks of Hollywood.:twisted:

  5. My girlfriend wears tracksuit bottoms at bedtime.

    Does that mean she wants sporty athletic sex?

    Or does she simply want to run away?

    πŸ˜€

  6. What is far worse than going and watching your significant other try on :thong: is leaving her at home… taking your 5-year-old son… trying to buy her a present…

    It is nice and uncomfortable when the sales lady starts showing you around and explaining the benefits of each style while the child runs in and out of the rows of undergarments hiding under bras and what-not.

    I still have nightmare about shopping for my wife’s christmas present.

  7. Guys, what it really means when a girl wears sexy lingerie is that she wants to be slavishly adored and told how gorgeous she is. Try it. I promise you will have a rocking night regardless of the undie style!

  8. CJ, you wear the leather hood and the ball gag and I’ll wear my black spike heels with the little studded bows (and not much else.) Esther, you can borrow my leather bra, and Davezilla, you just bring your studly self with a black leash on and Natalie looking very dog-trainer-ish. “Bark like a dog, baby, a big, big dog!!”

    Sounds like a party to me!

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