Twenty things

  1. I have never pushed a hamster down a flight of stairs
  2. When people tell me they want to “think out of the box”, I want to seal them in an airtight one
  3. Coffee-drinking is the sport of kings
  4. I am no friend of the mighty woodpecker
  5. I often wonder if the spork has ever been used lethally
  6. When a woman asks you to get Baby’s Breath in her bouquet, she means a type of flower. Boy, did I ever screw that one up
  7. When pigs can fly, I’m buying a thicker umbrella
  8. I do not believe that anyone really likes eggnog
  9. The greatest invention of the 20th Century was the aglet
  10. There’s a special place in my heart for people who remain on their cellphone while ordering at a coffeehouse. It’s real low in my heart, kinda near my colon
  11. It takes a nation of midgets to stop me
  12. No amount of ketchup or jam will make styrofoam taste good
  13. I cannot count to twenty
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60 Replies to “Twenty things”

  1. 1. Hamsters are people too.
    2. I totally agree on the “box” thing.
    3. I live on coffee.
    4. Woodpeckers are our friends…lol. Think about it, ladies…
    5. Yes it has…in prison.
    6. I had a German Shepherd named Baby and her breath could kill…
    7.

  2. 1. Hamsters are people too.
    2. I totally agree on the “box” thing.
    3. I live on coffee.
    4. Woodpeckers are our friends…lol. Think about it, ladies…
    5. Yes it has…in prison.
    6. I had a German Shepherd named Baby and her breath could kill…
    7.

  3. 12. No amount of ketchup or jam will make styrofoam taste good
    You need to change to Quaker Popcorn cakes because rice cakes are so passe. πŸ˜›
    5. I often wonder if the spork has ever been used lethally
    In the evolution of silverware, the spork is the missing link.
    1. I have never pushed a hamster down a flight of stairs
    Me neither, but a gerbil in an exercise ball once took a header. 😳

  4. 1. I have never pushed a hamster down a flight of stairs either but a gerbil in an exercise ball once took a header. 😳

    5. In the evolution of silverware, the spork is the missing link. In the evolution of breakfast meats, Jimmy Dean is the sausage link.

    12. You need to switch to Quaker Popcorn cakes because rice cakes will never taste like anything other than styrofoam no matter how much jam you jam on them. πŸ˜› πŸ™‚

  5. 1. Give the hamster a parachute then let him jump.
    2. ” think outside the box ” I say forget the box. Just as hated “your a half-full or half-empty kinda person….I say there is something in the glass or there is not!
    3. If coffee-drinking is a sport most of the world would be in the penalty-box.
    4. As long as my pecker is a woodie it will always be my friend
    5. Sporks could have been used as lethal injestion after swallowing broken pieces.
    6.Baby’s Breath…She should be asking the florist not you..
    7. When pigs fly I will ride one
    8. Spike the eggnog.
    9. I remember the 20th century ..What’s an aglet?
    10. For all people who remain on cellphones….”Death to all ” comes to mind
    11 One midget giving you good head should stop you in your tracks.
    12. Why would you be eating styrofoam?
    13 I can count to twenty. ” Twentysomething”

  6. 1. I have been clawed by a hamster.
    2. There is no box, Grasshopper.
    3. Coffee is my religion and I worship it everyday.
    4. Chocolate goes well with coffee.
    5. So does brandy and cigarettes.
    6. Everything goes well with coffee.
    7. If you dream someone you know dies in an accident money is coming your way.
    8. You have to sleep sometime (see above)
    9. The only way to take an art test is stoned and it’s the only way to give one.
    10. If at first you don’t succeed, blow the funking thing up.
    11. A frontal lobotamy is not a surgical procedure, it is a genetic trait.
    12. Hang nails are better and stupid people πŸ™„
    13. Squirels eat nuts.
    14. Tea drinkers and coffee drinkers don’t get along.
    15. You can’t pick your family, but you can kill them.
    16. Ethiopia makes great coffee.
    17. A cockroach is not dead until you smash it, burn it, spray it, and then flush it down the toilet. We have giant cockroaches in Bangkok.
    18. Always sing songs you don’t know the all the words to , and life will be fine.
    19. Cows are the root of all evil that is why we eat them. πŸ‘Ώ
    20. Watch what you say in front policemen.

    finished. feel good now. happy feelings growing larger… nope just gas. 😳

  7. 1. I believe the verb is Γ’β‚¬ΛœpuntÒ€ℒ, not Γ’β‚¬ΛœpushÒ€ℒ.
    2. I have a similar feeling about people with mid-Atlantic accents and where they should be dropped from a plane.
    5. Depends what you eat with it.
    6. If sheÒ€ℒd asked for pansies it would have been easier. You could just have asked the guy working in the flower shop to accompany you.
    7. Two words, Police Helicopters.
    11. Jerry BruckheimerÒ€ℒs new title for the Wizard of Oz.
    12. My 6-month old son begs to differ. (and no you can’t have his breath)

  8. 1. Not on purpose. (At least that’s what the courts say)
    2. After sealing it, say “think outside of it and you’ll be fine”
    3. Only if done legally and with proper supervision
    4. Not even Woody? (Get your minds out of the gutter, people)
    5. YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING!!!!
    6. Yeah, mothers don’t like it when you take their baby and make them breathe on your bouquet. The tend to call the police.
    7. And never leaving the house again.
    8. I’m gonna have to totally agree with you on that one.
    9. Or the Post-It note
    10. Once again, total agreement.
    11. You’re tougher than me. It only takes a small village of them to bring me down.
    12. Have you tried Mayonaisse?
    13. I have no response. I’m sorry.

  9. 1. “It is definitely a growth”
    2. Sunshine on my shoulder makes me horny
    3. To be or not to be…
    4. Singly we are nothing, together we are annoying
    5. Yosemite Sam is the greatest character in American literature
    6. Pancake mix….I just like saying that.
    7. Just clean up the fingerprints behind you.
    8. Republicans have no soul.
    9. Restraining order?!? What’s up with that?
    10. James Frey is a big fat liar.
    11. Oprah’s next book is “Pissy McComb: The Early Years”
    12. I can’t move my left side, except in the mirror.
    13. Leaking all over myself…
    14. The Man has kept me down for like two weeks now.
    15. Dance like the whole world is watching and judging you..
    16. Think
    17. Don’t expect me to pay for that..
    18. Pain is the only fun some of us have…
    19. I cannot imagine living in a plastic house.
    20. Smug, I am. Sam, I mug. Dr. Seuss on meth.

  10. 1.)If you can’t see it does it mean it won’t glow-in-the dark?
    2.)Why do 24 hour restaurants always have locks if there always open?
    3.)Will your face really stick like that…?
    4.)Why are they called polka dots…They don’t dance.
    5.)Why do our parents give us names when we are born…We will want to change it anyway.
    6.)Why am I sitting here asking these questions …I can go look them up. πŸ’‘

  11. 1. I have never pushed a hamster down a flight of stairs either but I had a gerbil in an exercise ball get away from me.
    5. In the evolution of silverware, the spork is the missing link. In the evolution of breakfast meats, Jimmy Dean is the sausage link.
    12. You need to switch to Quaker Popcorn cakes. They don’t taste like styrofoam.

  12. And we thought the cathedral lady had too much time on her hands? How long did some of you take to think up these responses? πŸ˜›

  13. 1.live life, have sex
    2. have sex b4 u go to work
    3. where protection when havin sex with strangers
    4. have sex with someone you normally wouldnt, and regret it later
    5.dont do drugs…. without sex
    6. dont smoke cigarettes,only after havin sex
    7. girls with big boobs :wang:
    8. girls with big butts :wang: :wang:
    9.girls with big butts and big boobs :wang: :wang: :wang:
    10. i love all woman except the ones who dont like havin sex
    11. money over woman, dont let them get it
    12. wipe it up, with her shirt
    13.always have a spare condom
    14. never wip it out, unless she does first, or, if your well endowed wip it out anytime they ask, i know i do, good things happen afterwards.
    15. only mess with woman that are woman at birth
    16. only mess with woman that are of legal age
    17.only say you love her if she is the only one your with and you mean it
    18. dont lie about what you have or what you do, they will want it regardless or they wont b talkin to you.
    19.live alone
    20.last but not least, always always always make the best of every situation your put in, never second guess that woman could b the one, if you see her and she smiles and you like, talk, you never know what can happen, im out hope the new year brings alot of happy faces
    :boob: :boob: :wang: :thong:

  14. 1. Never a hamster, but my cat kinda likes the thrill.
    2. “Thinking outside the box.” I have never seen this box to know if I’m thinking outside of it. I say, think what you want to, screw everyone else.
    3. Standing in line for the coffee is the sport of psychos.
    4. I agree with JohnP, but if someone(female only) was help aid my Woodie WoodPecker, I wouldn’t complain, either.
    5. Sporks used lethally, not yet but I’m working on it, hopefully soon.
    6. No Comment
    7. Pigs can fly, everytime a big businessman jerkoff gets into a plane.
    8. I agree, screw the eggnog, give me the rum, STRAIGHT.
    9. WTF is an aglet.
    10. Ditto.
    11. Gulliver’s Travels: the Real Story
    12. I kinda like styrofoam, plain. It’s so chewy and a good stress reliever sometimes.
    13. Thirteen is my lucky number so it’s cool with me.
    Continued
    14. I don’t like it when at the store, when the cashier asks me if that was all, or if I need anything else and there is nothing else on the conveyor belt.
    15. Damn, I can’t get to twenty either but I’m trying. I’ll finish it later, when I have more thought process time.

  15. [Comment ID #18192 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Yes. You are correct sir.

    By the way, Mitch, Frey may not be telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but work with addicts for very long and you will know that a whole lot of his inner process sounds right on par with every other addict you’ve worked with. I also kind of wonder how anyone can expect him to write this spot-on-perfect memoir about rehab, knowing how fucked up your mind is while coming off of drugs! Ah, post-accute withdrawl syndrome. My favorite part of after-care. Most of the can’t find their ass without a flashlight, a map, and a piece of paper with detailed instructions. Keep using drugs, kiddies, and you too can be stupid as geese shit for 6 – 12 months.

    This ends this public service announcement from those of us who work in the mental health field. πŸ™

  16. 1.never leave home without your gun
    2.smack anyone who doesnt like you, now
    3.always put up never shutup
    4.i like coffee
    5.i fed my hampster to my cat
    6.i threw my cat out the window cause she ate my stash,she came back five minutes later and shitted in my room, damn cat
    7.get a dog
    8.dont start fights finish them
    9.i agree say as little as possible when talkin to cops
    10.only tip cute waitresses or the ones that put a little extra on your plate.
    20.last but not least, dont die alone take someone with you

  17. 1. Getting too serious on a funny blog is not appropriate.
    2. Although I gave up drugs 5 years ago tinamarie’s post explains why I’m stupid as wolf shit sometimes.
    3. Flashbacks are nature’s way of saying groovy man!

  18. Yes, I can count to twenty. I like egg nog, I agree with aglets, and the only time I have ever staged dived was at a BB King concert.

    I miss the man pants icon

  19. 1. I once threw a gerbil against a wall after the damn thing bit me. 2.When pigs fly, I will finish reading “A million little pieces”(I was in the middle of reading it when all this stuff come out about James Freys “embellishments”) 3. Kick crack on you own!!!! I did it!!!Along with alcohol and meth. But, I still love my weed. 4. And, always remember, in the infamous words of George Carlin:Tomorrow is the second day of the rest of your life πŸ˜›

  20. 1.You are a nice person to never have done that.
    I admire your self control……
    2, Do you know. ???….Life is sexually transmitted
    3. Men have two conditions…
    hungry and horny…if it doesn’t have an erection….
    make it a sandwitch……. helping relieve either one
    of those conditions ..brings a pleasureable response…
    usually..peace and quiet…
    I love counting to twenty…but I do not have time……..
    I only have time for three…… :wtf:

  21. Nothing any of you said is funny. In fact, I would be inclined to say that everything you people said is trite, over-used, dull, and uneducated. Originality is funny; the crap you troglodites put forth is not. Go back to school.

  22. [Comment ID #18280 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Only someone named Milton would feel the need to insult an entire readership. Your mother gave you an asshole name because she saw it coming. 😈

    By the way, “you people” is grammatically incorrect. Fuckwad.

  23. I was going to write “who the hell is franklito?” until I read Milton.

    I partied with Milton once. He blew into the bong. Juice everywhere…..

    And someone tell me what an aglet is. Please.

  24. or more precisely …

    Aglets is a Java mobile agent platform and library that eases the delopment of agent based applications. An aglet is a Java agent able to autonomously and spountanously move from one host to another.

    Originally developed at the IBM Tokio Research Laboratory, the Aglets technology is now hosted at sourceforge.net as open source project, where it is distributed under the IBM Public License. Aglets is completely made in Java, granting an high portability of both the agents and the platform.

    Aglets includes both a complete Java mobile agent platform, with a stand-alone server called Tahiti, and a library that allows developer to build mobile agents and to embed the Aglets technology in their applications.

    Currently, stable release of Aglets are available in the 2.0 series, and 2.0.2 is the latest one.

    :geek:

  25. I think I may have found what the hell and aglet is.
    Dave, please confirm if this is the fucking mystery you’ve been talking about, if not right please tell us what it is.

    An aglet is chiefly used for the plastic or metal tip of a shoelace to cover the end frays of the lace, so you can pull the figgin’ thing through the holes in your shoes.
    Now everyone(I hope)can be put to rest about the goddamn aglet.
    πŸ‘Ώ :wtf: :dead:

  26. Next thing on my to do list.

    Message for Milton.

    If you do think any of those post from any of these fine people are funny; you need to either get your head examined(I know a good doctor for that); you can deal with it and shut the hell up; if you don’t like that idea, you could just go away and leave us to what we do best; or I can send my EVIL WERE-RABBITS OF DOOM!!!!! your pitiful direction!!!!!!

    DO YOU GET THE PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! πŸ‘Ώ

    And anyone agrees with tell me.
    And if you may have thought that I may have went a little to far, please tell me, too. I have a tendancy to go off the deep end if I get really ticked off(Case In Point Milton).
    And You, Milton, would to respond in any pathetic way that you choose, I do have my DEMONIC HELL-MONKEYS OF TERROR waiting in the wings to devour you soul!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I think that’s enough ranting, for now.
    Sorry, to all that maybe offended or affected by it.
    (Except Milton, of course) 😈 :wtf: :dead:

  27. suppose to be aren’t funny in the post above
    when you get this pissed oof at a jerkoff, you tend to forget letters and/or punctuation
    sorry if anyone got the wrong idea about me, I think this is this site is the most fun I’ve had with my computer, EVER.

  28. Continue to share the humor…
    There are always 1 or 2 idiots…never fails…

    1. Eat shit and die.
    2. Shut up and get naked.
    3. Happy as a pig in shit. (That is after pigs have flown and crash-landed)
    4. Get it up. Get it on. Get it in.
    5. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck everybody.
    6. If at first you don’t succeed… maybe you do just suck at it.
    7. God give me the strength….forget God…get your ass in shape.
    8. You take the high road and I will take the low road….just get out of my way.
    9. For Pete’s sake…..who the hell is Pete anyway?
    10. Better to have tried and failed……better to just make another choice.
    11. Err on the side of being positive.
    12. One good turn deserves another…..More for me and less for you.
    13. Put a sock in it…..is that before or after you have already put your foot in your mouth?

    No I am not going to do twenty….onto our next topic…

    13.

  29. Wonder why the name “spork” became accepted, when “foon” works just as well and wastes one less letter to boot.

  30. i have the feeling mandy has run into me before, dont b mad, the stain will get out of your shirt. :wtf:

  31. my bad for bein too serious everybody, but the responses r funny, milton is hilarious, i know man dont b mad, i ll send your girl back to you, i was tired of it anyway πŸ˜›

  32. I, for one would like to thank Milton for taking time out of his busy schedule to remind the rest of us “troglodites” of our useless, pathetic humorless lives. What he fails to recognize is that we are happy here in our world. BEAM HIM BACK UP SCOTTY !!!

  33. :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :undies: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :limp: :limp: :wang: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :thong: :boob: :undies: :wang: :limp: :thong: :undies: :boob: :wang: :thong: :boob: :boob: :undies: :wang: :limp: :thong: :boob: :boob: :undies: :wang: :limp: :thong: :boob: :boob: :undies: :wang:

  34. Milton…. poor little Milton. No one wants to play with you? πŸ˜›
    A song just for you,

    Nobody likes me
    Everybody hates me
    Think I’ll go eat worms

    Not very original, but it somes up my point. If you don’t anything funny, you will die young.

  35. Once again I’m sorry about my seemingly endless ranting in posts
    44 & 45. I tend to get carried away sometimes. I don’t mean any harm, but when something needs to be said I will make it worse(or better depending on who you are). If I may have pissed anyone off, because of this I’m sorry and please tell me. I will try to make things better. And if you are only complaining to me, I do have more hellspawn animals at my disposal. πŸ‘Ώ 😈

  36. [Comment ID #18309 Will Be Quoted Here]

    That was the funniest thing I heard this whole post. I do not know the face for on the floor rolling, but you get the idea.

    :wtf: 😈 πŸ˜†

  37. [Comment ID #18280 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I read this quote and laughed. Not only is it apparent that Mr. Milton does not have anything better to do with his “educated” time than to attempt to criticize people who are just having a good time, but then the “educated” Mr. Milton makes a large mistake in doing so – misspelling a word in an attempt to show us all he is educated. For the record, the only cave dweller is Milton. Likewise, for the record, it is spelled “troglodytes”.

Comments are closed.