Things You Never Want to Hear Your Doctor Say

  1. Well, would ya look at that!
  2. Uh oh, that is not supposed to happen.
  3. Christ, better get out the book.
  4. Does this hurt? No? That doesn’t hurt. You’re kidding, I hit it with a hammer.
  5. Have the folks at Guinness Book of World Records been in touch? They probably have a section for … these sort of things
  6. Normally that wouldn’t have claws or tendrils…
  7. I’d normally say I have bad news for you, but this is actually rather funny…
  8. We’ve been looking at your X-Rays and … well, we can’t tell which side is up
  9. Well, we usually only see this with people who clean up abandoned nuclear power plants. But you’re a salesperson?
  10. Has anyone seen my watch?
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45 Replies to “Things You Never Want to Hear Your Doctor Say”

  1. While lying on the table and just before being administered anesthetics, the comment “Good luck on your first operation doctor”.

  2. 11. Ooops!!

    12. Wash my hands? Why would I do that?

    13. Nurse, this one’s a winner! Get the Mercedes dealer on the phone….

    14. What did you say?….I wasn’t listening…

    15. No insurance? I guess you’ll live….

  3. I’m sure that’s not contagious, but I’m going to stand over here till the other Doctors can come in a take a look.

    I’m out of K-Y jelly.

  4. 16. Don’t worry, they’ll stop trembling after my morning shot of bourbon.

    17. Whaddya mean you had TWO of them when you walked in here?

    18. You might feel some small pinpricks on your back. But hey we gotta get those leeches off somehow.

    19. Jeez, I always get the decimal place mixed up on those darn syringe measurements.

    20. Oh YOU’RE the father. Ehem, you wouldn’t happen to have had a great-great grandfather who was African by any chance?

    21. There’s only one ‘n’ in ‘terminal’, right?

    22. Quick Nurse, go and google ‘staunch’ for me.

    23. Kind of ironic, this happening just a week after a major medical insurance company folded, isn’t it?

    24. Actually I’m not the specialist, I’m the hospital’s attorney.

  5. Gently cup my balls while I turn my head and cough.

    or perhaps…

    Malpractice Schmalpractice!

  6. Ooops. I missed. Let’s try again.

    I no understand. No speake English.

    To a man. Your pregnant. Congrats.

    I could’t remember your name, so I put down any name.

    I am prescribing you some ex-lax for your runs.

    You’re gonna die.

  7. Actually happened: GP said, “I don’t know what that is”. EENT specialist said, “I don’t know what that is”. Dermatologist said, “I don’t know what that is”.
    Surgical specialist said, “I don’t know what that is, but it’s gonna come out”. :limp: ❓

    I agree with Cindy.”Oops” has got to be the worst!
    Or, “You’re going to feel a little pressure and then a slight warming or burning sensation”.

  8. 28. …don’t look at me! I don’t have your panties! :wtf:
    29. …the ankle bone’s connected to the shin bone, the shin bone’s connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone’s the thigh bones connected to My Bone :wang: …
    30. To a white couple: Congratulations, it’s a black baby! :wtf:
    31. I’ve got such a hangover!
    32. I am so fucked up today!

  9. -wow. that looks just like a penis only smaller.
    -wow. that’s a little pussy. it needs to be lanced.
    -remember the incredible journey? this colonoscopy will take you to a hole new world. watch the screen.
    -oh, it’s a goiter? i thought you were siamese twins.
    -wow. you should really have a doctor look at that!
    -before we go in there…are you allergic to cucumbers?
    -i’m sorry this will be a little cold. but don’t worry it’s dead.
    -wow. that really smells. what? oh, that’s not the problem area?
    -put this gown on. now turn around and bend over. ok. so why did you come to see me today?

  10. Hello — my name is Dr. Fumble, and I’ll be your surgeon.

    Yes, normally the incision would be much smaller, but we found so many interesting things to look at…

    Hmm — usually there’s diarrhea *or* vomiting. It’s certainly unusual that you have both, but we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

    “Abnormal growth?” Well, “abnormal” is a tricky description to apply to your case, where the normal is itself pretty bizarre. But maybe we can use it!

  11. ok i have good news and bad news….the good news…your going to die in about two hours…how is that the good news?….cuz the bad news…we found out about two hours ago so acctually your going to die any minute

    where are my skittles? oh geesh there are some of them….hey man…you may be pissing the colors of the rainbow….i cant find them all…..

    dont worry…i know what to do…i saw this on ER once…

  12. What do you mean, “he’s waking up?” Somebody go see
    if the anesthesiologist is still here. 😕 😳 :wtf:

  13. ~Well…I’m sorry but after running numerous tests, poked, prodded and probed you, we just can’t figure it out.

    ~ 8) We’ve finally found the cure for the common cold/cough!
    :geek: Really?! What is it?!
    8) Laxative!!
    :geek: Laxative!?!
    8) Believe me, once you’ve taken it You’ll stop yourself from coughing!

  14. you have AJS whats that Aging jock syndrome. What do you mean that you cut 3 tubes instead of 2 when you did my vasectomy

  15. You know that thing that is connected to the other thing-a-ma-jiggy or is it a do-hickey any hoot thats a mess.

    Hey does Atlas or Rand Mcnally have a map through this dude?

    Over the river and through the woods…

    I am gonna pass out now..I hate the site of blood.

    TIIIIMMMMMMMBEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!

    Hey I did this before on that game Operation.. Easy.

    What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

    Damn lost another one… What you aren’t dead?

    Hey nurse look small balls. Get it small balls!

    Damn, that is what the inside of a person looks like.

  16. Connect the dots. LALALALA Connect the dots.

    Assisting me today, Jack Kevorkian.

    Hey, give me a hit.

    Dude did ya know that was this sharp.

    Nurse pull his arm and see if he shits quarters.

    Houston we have a problem.

    Alright number thriteen, number thirteen.

    99 bottle of beers on the wall…

  17. sorry our x-ray machine is down do you mind? It will only hurt for a sec…Nurse Nurse i know its huge will you stop sucking on it thats not his :wang: His wang is :dead: Ok who took it? Call Dr. Kevorkian Please.

  18. Lying on my stomach, having cyst cut from my back, local anaesthetic. Nurse walks in, glances over, ‘Wow, that’s a mess!’

    Just a moment before we look at that crushed wrist Ms. Jones. Did you have another insurance carrier? That won declined coverage.

    [through office door] Well, quick! Get me a *new* Ouija board then! I haven’t got a clue what to tell this clown about what to do with his ‘blown’ knee. And, yes, I do understand that ‘blown’ knee isn’t anything like what you told me about yesterday, that blow-task or gum-job or whatever. And hurry, my PE class at Smith High starts in 20 minutes!

    Come back when you lose 80 pounds. And just lose fat, right? No major tumors or anthing! LMAO! Have a nice day, your bill will be at the checkout window.

    “Have you met Nurse Nancy, here? Wouldn’t you just love to rip her uniform off and dive into that black-assed snatch!” Nurse glares at you and doctor both, setup for proctologic exam in hand.. Doctor sits there waiting for your agreement, leer on his face, oblivious to the nurse’s mood. They wait for your response.

  19. forgive me for the length but i couldn’t resist this good ole dr.benway routine from william s. burroughs’ naked lunch. brad k.’s thing kind of brought it to mind…

    The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid…. I think they are using it for an operating room….

    NURSE: “I can’t find her pulse, doctor.”

    DR. BENWAY: “Maybe she got it up her snatch in a finger stall.”

    NURSE: “Adrenalin, doctor?”

    DR. BENWAY: “The night porter shot it all up for kicks.” He looks around and picks up one of those rubber vacuum cups at the end of a stick they use to unstop toilets…. He advances on the patient…. “Make an incision, Doctor Limpf,” he says to his appalled assistant…. “I’m going to massage the heart.”

    Dr. Limpf shrugs and begins the incision. Dr. Benway washes the suction cup by swishing it around in the toilet-bowl….

    NURSE: “Shouldn’t it be sterilized, doctor?”

    DR. BENWAY: “Very likely but there’s no time.” He sits on the suction cup like a cane seat watching his assistant make the incision…. “You young squirts couldn’t lance a pimple without an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic drain and suture…. Soon we’ll be operating by remote control on patients we never see…. We’ll be nothing but button pushers. All the skill is going out of surgery…. All the know-how and make-do… Did I ever tell you about the time I performed an appendectomy with a rusty sardine can? And once I was caught short without instrument one and removed a uterine tumor with my teeth. That was in the Upper Effendi, and besides…”

    DR. LIMPF: “The incision is ready, doctor.”

    Dr. Benway forces the cup into the incision and works it up and down. Blood spurts all over the doctors, the nurse and the wall…. The cup makes a horrible sucking sound.

    NURSE: “I think she’s gone, doctor.”

    DR. BENWAY: “Well, it’s all in the day’s work.” He walks across the room to a medicine cabinet…. “Some fucking drug addict has cut my cocaine with Saniflush! Nurse! Send the boy out to fill this RX on the double!”

  20. “What do you mean we got helium instead of anesthesia?”

    “Dude, that is one UGLY baby!”

    “I’m sorry, did you say you want breast implants or butt implants?”

    “Hey, didn’t I have a one-night-stand with you last week?”

    “I can’t believe my ex wants more money from me, that bitch! Scalpel. I said GIVE ME THE F**KING SCALPEL, YOU DIRTY WHORE!”

    “You are going to feel so much better when I’m done with you, ’cause I feel that ‘medicine’ has imprisoned us for too long. The healing power of love will set you free, man!”

    “Nurse, how do you pronounce this word? Is it ‘tum-our’?”

    “Now, normally I do this on cadavers, but since I’m on parole, I’m kinda limited these days.”

    “Okay, there’s good news and there’s bad news. The bad news is you’re gonna die. The good news is that they’re gonna name a disease after you! Isn’t that cool?”

  21. I know everyone of you people here in the Critical Care ward fully realize the serious nature of this operation: The patient is old & frail- her appendix shows every sign of imminent rupture- and Hurricane Katrina just blew out all the power in the entire hospital! That being said,…

    “Hey, nurse: pull my finger!”

  22. Seriously, back in 1999 i was in a hospital in the SF bay area and the guy in the curtian next to me had sprained his :limp:, I so wanted to pull back the curtian and look – not to mention ask “How’d you manage that one Einstein?”

  23. – Hi, I’m Dr. Jonas and I’ll be your waiter this evening…
    – I’ll need to do a rectal exam but be aware I am allergic to latex gloves…
    – Oooppps! What do you mean the sex change patient is in room 2 and the frontal labotomy is in room 1?
    – Welcome to Dr. Joe’s circumcision and fake leather luggage emporium!
    – You’ll be asleep in just a minute and we’ll fix your erection problem… Hey! Aren’t you the cop that gave me a ticket in my Ferrari?

  24. Ummm Yeah I’m sorry I’m the one to have to tell you this but your paralyzed from the waist down… Umm yeah it includes that too 😳 :limp:

  25. Ummm Yeah I’m sorry I’m the one to have to tell you this but your paralyzed from the waist down… Umm yeah it includes that too 😳 :limp:

  26. Real stuff: The morning of a Dr. appointment didn’t start well. At the office the nurse took my blood pressure then quickly left the room. The Dr. ran in and took my B.P. again. Then asked, “Tim, Are you having a bad day?” I said, “I was running late and I had a flat tire.” He said, “With blood pressure like this you aren’t supposed to be conscious.” Then he made me lie down for an hour.

    When I was 7 I hit my head on a concrete floor. After dinner I got dizzy (mild concussion) and went to the hospital. A nurse gave me a dish incase I throw-up, which i did. The nurse looked in the dish (of puke) and said, “What a shame, that was a really nice dinner.”

  27. True story. When I was 19 and in basic training, I had pneumonia and passed out cold on the shower floor from the fever. Taken by ambulance to the hospital, they took blood from me twice a day for a week. At the end of the week, the doctor told me I was anemic. I asked him who he was feeding in the basement, because I wasn’t anemic when I came to the hospital!

    On a side note, in the same hospital we basic trainees were all bored to tears so one night when Gone With the Wind was on TV, we decided to order pizza and stay up to watch it. All 20 of us chipped in and called the pizza place, and they delivered. TO THE INFECTIOUS DISEASE WARD. :wtf:

  28. When I was 12 at a friends house playing one saterday mornning I was chasing him playing tag and did’nt see his unckles pickup truck side door tool box was open and split my forehead open about an inch above my hair line [at the time] the split was about an inch and a half long, they called my folks and my pop came and got me and took me home. He looked at the cut and said you’ll be ok then took me to the bathroom shaved the hair from around the cut put iodine and a bandaid on it and said-now go watch TV and let me know if it starts bleeding again. Keep in mind this was the early 70s and kids could still take some hard knocks without thier sissyfied parents freeking out.

    My point is the cut healed fine, my pop saved the cost of a doctor bill and I did’nt have to hear the doctor say [THIS IS GOING TO HERT A LITTLE BIT]…stitchs my ass.

  29. . !OH, CRAAPP! THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIME!!
    . Man!, Can’t seem to catch a break this week.
    . FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, LET IT WORK THIS TIME!
    …Well, am sure your loving wife will understand and get used with time…
    . If anybody asks, I’ve been with you the whole time..!
    .(during and opperation) CAN ANY ONE PLEASE TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON! WHAT!?! THEN WHY IS IT SUDDENLY DARK?

    .(gyno doing a check down-tharr) hallo.. hallo.. hallo..!(echo)
    . another Gyno deep in-tharr) this NEVER grows in here! any erections?
    . GIT-R-DONE!

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