Things Mother never said

  1. “You forgot your M-80s and gasoline.”
  2. “Be a dear and go play in the streets.”
  3. “You need a louder car stereo. I get nervous when you’re a mile away and I can barely hear you.”
  4. “I found the cutest snake in the garden today…”
  5. “I’m thinking of redecorating the kitchen in a ‘vampires and spiders’ motif.”
  6. “You’re ten years old! Don’t you think it’s time you gave up the comics and started reading porn?”
  7. “What kind of daughter did I raise? You’ve slept with four men this week? When I was your age I’d have bagged four men by lunch hour. Slacker.”
  8. “Oh, I suppose if all your friends ran out and got jobs, you’d get one too. Can’t you stay home and loaf like your father?”
  9. “Your father and I think you need a TV of your own so your sisters won’t change the Playboy Channel on you.”
  10. “I don’t care what the teacher says. No boy should start his school day without a beer.”
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19 Replies to “Things Mother never said”

  1. or “Watch out for that A-1 asshat, who will break up with you in McDonald’s, and then ask why you’ve stopped eating.”
    (True story, btw)

  2. So you’ve never met MY mother. She actually did say alot of similar things.

    The only thing she never said though was ‘go forth and do drugs’ … how uncool is THAT!!

  3. When I was a small boy, I would often receive “pearls of wisdom” from my grandmother.

    Whilst carrying my skateboard she would often shout out a comment like “You’ll have someone’s eye out with that!”

    I have never heard of a skateboard/eye related accident in my life, but proceeded with caution nevertheless.

    She was after all, older and wiser than me and had probably seen her fair share of skateboard impalements and missing eyes.

    Other gems included “If you fall off that wall and break your legs. DON’T come running to me!”

    Again, although impossible, I subconsciously stored it in my memory banks.
    The visual image of me stuck under the garden wall like Humpty Dumpty with no means of attracting help would give me nightmares well into my teenage years.

    “You’ll get a cold walking about like that!” was her particular favourite in mid summer or how about “If you keep pulling faces and the wind changes. Your face will stay like that”.

    OR

    Did you know that if you lie, a little goblin will come and take your tongue away to the goblin err……tongue town?

    You have been warned.

    :mrgreen:

  4. P.S

    There was one more thing she also said on her hospital bed that has always stuck with me.

    “When I die, if you look in the sky at night, one of the stars will twinkle. That ones me looking down on you.”

    Funnily I always remember that one and somewhere in my heart, I actually think it may be true or at least.

    I hope so.

  5. “What stars are those, Mr. Scientist?”
    “Why that’s Cygnus. Oh and that’s Arcturus right next to the Grandma JeLLYBaBY Nebulae.”

  6. Carefull Dave,

    My grandmother said that if you look at the stars too much, goblins will take your eye out with a skateboard!

    :mrgreen:

  7. My mother always used to say “if you don’t eat your crusts you won’t get curly hair”

    I didn’t, but I did.

    However she did used to say “go play in the street”

  8. Mine was carrots being somehow linked to having hairs on your chest!

    I wonder what eating cucumber is supposed to do?

  9. Your trade somehow being connected with cucumbers?

    Dave your not moonlighting as a greengrocer again are you?

  10. Now I always thought of Spud as being a person with curls …. all over ~runs like hell~

  11. “Don’t worry about wearing clean underwear. If you get in an accident they’ll be soiled anyway.”

    “Yes, that *is* an impressive booger Billy.”

  12. I’m sure my mother would say all of those things, if only she thought of them. For instance, a recent incident:
    She comes over to visit and brings me some pots and pans.
    I say: “But mom, I don’t need them and I don’t want to wash them.” (Hey, anything that I can say to minimize the amount of dishwashing I have to do I will do).
    Her reply: “But your knee hurts!”
    Apparently having excess pots and pans is a cure for knee pain.

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