Things I learned from watching the Sci Fi network

  1. Maglites are to be held near the head, in a knife stabbing position.
  2. Astronauts and aquanauts require lights on the inside of their helmets, facing their eyes
  3. Rich women wear heels in the jungle. They help with balance and aid in escaping predators.
  4. Humans can outsmart any alien species, no matter how advanced, no matter how telepathic. All you need to do is say, “They’ll never see this coming!”
  5. If a single US Marine taunts his enemies into using “everything they’ve got” against him, he will have no trouble killing all of them. They however, will only manage to graze his right arm.
  6. A man skilled in martial arts is infinitely more deadly than a genius terrorist with a nuke at his disposal
  7. No textile company would ever find anything suspicious about an order for four hundred black ninja outfits with tactical gear
  8. Likewise, no munitions company would ever question an order to fill an entire warehouse with dynamite and C4
  9. Clones will somehow go evil or beserk. Cloned animals prefer human flesh to any other type of food
  10. What have youlearned from watching the Sci Fi network?
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18 Replies to “Things I learned from watching the Sci Fi network”

  1. Friggin’ giant spiders and 40′ snakes are more
    lethal than Zilla girls and are everywhere.

    🙄 😛 👿 :dead:

  2. No matter where you are in time, no matter where in the universe, gravity will always be identical to Earth’s.

    And no matter what horrific, unthinkable adversities they may face, beautiful women will always have makeup on.

  3. That in the vacuum of space, people don’t explode like they should.
    That Aliens that are smart enough to travel the universe just don’t realize that they will die from everyday items and tap water.
    That time travel is possible, but only people stupid enough to change the timeline are allowed to go.
    That any alien whose body is green in color is a total nympho
    That cockroaches are smarter than the average bear.
    That no matter how complex the situation is, you can fix it by going back in time 13 seconds.

  4. As long as there’s a black guy with you, you’re not going to die.

    Ghosts can only walk through walls as long as they’re not chasing you. Then they have to take the long way ’round.

    All you need to be an ass-kicking machine is a lab accident and amnesia (sorry if I misspelled).

    Bullets never seem to ricochet no matter how much metal is around you.

    Hot chicks are universal.

    Alien anatomy is always compatable with your own.

  5. That beings on a planet many, many lightyears from Earth will speak English.

    Cars on foreign planets look just like a Ford Taurus with plastic body parts stuck to them so they don’t look exactly like a Ford Taurus.

  6. That in some places Crocodiles/alligators grow very,very large.And then there’s the anteaters who also seem to grow gigantic in some places-even the woods in America!RAD!

  7. If your spaceship somehow loses power from its unlimited energy source, the planet right next to you will have a new power source lying around only a few miles from wherever you make your emergency landing. Half your crew must die in order to retrieve it though.

    Female humanoid aliens are always smokin’ hawt and sexy no matter how many appendages they have growing out of their head.

    The darkest, messiest, most abandoned-looking room in the ship/complex is the first place you should look for someone that went missing 2 minutes ago because they could just be hiding there as a joke. BUT as it turns out, that is where the flesh eating alien is. Everyone knows that if you are hungry you should just wait in an old abandoned closet someplace. DUH!

    Scott Bakula is like the MacGyver of outerspace.

  8. Aliens from advanced civilizations have absolutely no idea what television is, not can they even GUESS. whenever they see a tv, they will stop, cock their heads to one side and stare.

    you can train to be a ninja in less than a year, and be able to beat ninjas who’ve been training since the embryonic state without breaking a sweat.

    nuclear explosions are destructive, yes, but the powers to be gained from standing near one far outweighs the risk.

    robotic sidekicks are programmed to be immensely funny. except they aren’t.

    you can still buy cigars a few thousand years into the future.

    tim thomerson has been there, done that more times than i can count, and did most of it as a guy the size of a smurf.

    you can hide from alien scanning devices by standing very still.

    you can learn how to use alien weaponry just by picking it up.

    you can then use said weaponry to kick alien ass from here to ganymede, with the leaders of said alien army getting more and more incoherently angry until finally they try and kill you themselves. they will lose, of course, because you’re the guy who learned how to use an alien rocket launcher in two seconds.

    some video games are actually training devices, and if you play them until you win, you will be taken from this planet by a used car salesman to fight in an intergalactic war.

    alien princesses need to wear very little clothing, regardless of the weather conditions.

    alien princesses will find the hero of the story unbearably sexy and will try to get jiggy with him at the most inopportune moments.

  9. The male equivalent of any alien spacies only gets uglier or gayer. ❓
    Makes humanoid women lean towards lesbianism with more acceptance and enthusiasm. 😈
    Unless it’s an intricate part in the plot and/or method of death any planet you land on has a safe ol’ regular oxygen atmosphere :dead: but if aliens land on earth, oxygen turns out to be deadly for them…
    :wtf:

  10. …that yodeling kills aliens, (and me, too) and that I need headphones a’la Princess Leah–w/nice thick braids….yeayah

  11. That dormant volcanoes are more active than we thought.
    That I really COULD be a super hero only if Stan Lee didn’t get that restraining order against me.
    That I’m really broke since I no longer get that channel. 🙁

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