Things I Learned from Sports Movies

  1. Every sports movie will have an ‘80s sound track, no matter what decade it was produced in. The raspy singer will over-stretch his limited vocal range on the chorus causing the local bat population to go into estrus. The keyboards will feature default Casio sounds that are barely audible under the wailing guitar pyrotechnics.
  2. A down-and-out, last-place team can always be rallied into first place in one season by the simple addition of one player with a winning attitude.
  3. The local last place team will have facilities worse than those in most federal penitentiaries.
  4. A has-been great player can always be called out of retirement for one last big game—the one he he was born to win.
  5. Only one player on the team will have a girlfriend or wife, and she will be way hotter than he deserves.
  6. The team’s owner will be a Texan (or at least dress like one), with a Playboy Bunny wife who has slept with the entire team unbeknownst to him.
  7. The local sports writer will always “have it in” for one of the players and will use all manner of unethical tactics just to get a scoop or ruin the big game.
  8. One player on every team speaks no English whatsoever and becomes the butt of jokes. If the player is Eastern European in origin, s/he will also be freakishly large and have a carrot-sized mono-brow.
  9. If the team is high school or college level, there will always be a hot girl who dates the quarterback of the opposing team. She will fall for the worst player on the local losing team and help that team win at the expense of her own school, friends, teammates, family, etc.
  10. The local losing team will play the evil opposing team every week. There will be only two other teams in the league and they will be soundly defeated in a three-minute clip backed by a rousing ‘80s rock soundtrack.
  11. When the local losing team needs to raise money, they will somehow convince a dozen bikini models to work a car wash. Owing to the vast number of wealthy perverts driving dusty BMWs, the car wash will raise $60,0000 in one Saturday. The car wash scene will be the second longest scene in the entire film.
  12. The Big Game is the most important scene in a Sports Movie. Big Games are able to change the very fabric of space/time allowing players to make leaps that would stun a gazelle, slow-motion throws and Herculean acts of strength. Members of the opposing team will be so devastated that many will leave the field on stretchers.

What have you learned from Sports Movies?

21 Replies to “Things I Learned from Sports Movies”

  1. The team with the best players will always lose!
    Their will always be a super badass on the losing team!
    The winning team always comes from behind with 12 seconds to go–they never beat the other team down over 4 quarters.

  2. The team’s best player or “secret weapon” (often the non-English speaker) will have one of two things happen: he’ll either be severely injured and have to sit out the Big Game, or he’ll be suckered into helping the other side cheat, and then show up in the last minutes of the Big Game to help the underdogs win after an overly dramatic fight with his conscience.

  3. the good guy never gets the shit beat out of him in the end…he somehow recovers from the ball smashing, eye gouging, finger breaking beating, to score the winning points…and then the babe slithers all over him.

  4. The awfulness of the movie is directly proportional to the number and length of montage sequences. (all backed up by ‘80s rock sound tracks sung by some mullet haired one-hit wonder, of course)

    At the end of the Big Game, the families of the underdogs will elatedly rise to their feet in slow motion cheering as the winning point, goal, basket… is being scored by the least likely player.

    If it’s Disney, the team will have just the right amount of ethnic mix. Kind of like a Benetton commercial but with shin pads.

    The Bad Boy on the team will at some stage learn a valuable lesson about life, loyalty and friendship.

  5. They make this kind of movie? Look, if it doesn’t have Darth Vader or Mr Spock or the Matrix or some other kewl thing, I’m not interested. Except for that one horrible movie with (shudder) Adam Sandler in it, where he played a Hookey, oops, sorry HOCKEY player turned golfer. But I only liked it because Bob “the Silver Fox” Barker was in it and beat the crap out of Happy Gilmore. Oh, and there was that other golf movie with Ted Knight in it. There were a coupla other people like Rodney Dangerfield and Bill Murray, but they didn’t have very many lines and weren’t as funny. I think Chevy Chase was in it, but that was before his career died a horrible death, but he was on the way down as well. He should have been put onto the scrap heap back in the 80’s when Belushi kick it. I’m not sure, but the movie may not have been very funny at all. At least it had Brian Doyle-Murray in it. And explosions. Especially the explosions. All sports movies should have explosions. It adds to the competitive spirit, I am sure.

    So, is Golf a sport?

  6. There will always be a wise old former player who reluctantly becomes a mentor, one who transforms the team from a bunch of easy going devil may care slobs, into a well oiled and drilled, lean mean winning machine.

    The team is always broke/about to be sold.

    The last game of the season will save the team from solvency.

    The hero/heroine always gets their man.

    The Gipper just wants you to go out and win one more game for old time sake. Can’t you you do that Joe, huh, can’t you?

  7. the only sports movie worth watching was Slapshot
    there is only one script with slight variations for all sports movies

  8. Sports movie actually worth watching…

    Brian’s Song (bring a box of tissues for each person in the room)

  9. -i’m glad fruf brought it up. sports movies are boring so every sports movie needs the hanson brothers to liven it up. if you don’t have the hanson brothers use pacino.
    -for every roy munson there must be an ernie mccracken.
    -there will always be an anger scene so that we get that the movie is emotional.
    -why is there always a kid?
    -if the star is married there will be a scene where he gets in shit from her. this helps the sports movie watcher to identify that he is a normal man like everyone else?
    -sports movies exit the box office in about the same amount of time it takes to play them once. ❓

  10. [quote comment=”626367″]Sports movie actually worth watching…

    Brian’s Song (bring a box of tissues for each person in the room)[/quote]

    Naw, it’s got to be Men With Brooms 😉

  11. [quote comment=”626378″]Brian’s Song is a made for TV chick movie![/quote]

    Just so we are clear, I’m talking about the original 1971 version with James Caan and Billy Dee Williams, as well at the Chicago Bears team, staff, and coaches – filmed in Chicago.

  12. [quote comment=”626378″]Brian’s Song is a made for TV chick movie![/quote]
    It aired on ABC. Definite chick flick. All pretty boys.

    Either that, or it’s so GAY it should be wearing knickers :knickers:

    Hope I offended someone.

  13. It wouldn’t be a stretch to apply half of that list to the Harry Potter franchise!

    2, 3, 4, almost 5 (Hermione), 7, 8 (in at least one of them), 9 (ditto), 10, & 12 definitely apply…

  14. [quote comment=”626395″]There will be a corrupt coach hellbent on winning state finals.

    Will Farrell does not make a good sports movie.[/quote]

    Ummm, I noticed in that last line that the word “sports” should be deleted for accuracy.

  15. [quote comment=”626381″]You’ll have do better than that to offend anyone here rust.

    :P[/quote]
    Yeah buddy, bring it… 😛

  16. [quote comment=”626396″][quote comment=”626395″]There will be a corrupt coach hellbent on winning state finals.

    Will Farrell does not make a good sports movie.[/quote]

    Ummm, I noticed in that last line that the word “sports” should be deleted for accuracy.[/quote]

    With the exception of “Anchorman”, I totally agree with you.

    “Scotch, scotch, scotch, I love scotch!” 😛

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