Things I Learned from Movies, Police Chiefs

  1. All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers.
  2. Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease them with offerings of stale donuts and old coffee.
  3. Police Chiefs don a mandatory wardrobe consisting of black trousers and a white, striped dress shirt with one silver pen in the pocket and a black necktie. There are no exceptions to this rule.
  4. Police Chiefs have the power to suspend detectives and cops without Internal Affairs inquiries or union interference.
  5. A Police Chief will always suspect a detective of using violence without bothering to investigate the source of the complaint or taking past performance into account.
  6. Police Chief communication is similar to that of the Howler Monkey: loud, ceaseless and audible from 10 kilometers away.
  7. Police Chiefs are notorious for spilling scalding hot coffee on themselves, however they suffer no burns or ill effects later on.
  8. Police Chiefs are a gullible lot, easily fooled by puckish detectives who are able to scam them with the most clichéd of tactics.
  9. Police Chiefs, as harbingers of death, frequently purchase birthday cakes for detectives. However, the wise detective will shun these baked goods, for once the first bite is taken, that detective will receive a phone call with news that someone close has died.
  10. Police Chiefs will invariably have the oldest and messiest desks in the station.
  11. Police Chiefs frequently carry hypertension pills for their bum ticker.
  12. In addition to the aforementioned coffee and donuts, Police Chiefs subsist on a strict diet of items purchased from an aging vending machine. Like scavengers, they will occasionally pilfer cold pizza from a desk or a jar of olives from the station refrigerator.
  13. A Police Chief will frequently complain his doctor is “getting on my case about my diet,” however, since Chiefs never leave their desks, the possibility of a Police Chief even knowing a doctor is quite slim.

What have you learned about Police Chiefs?

14 Replies to “Things I Learned from Movies, Police Chiefs”

  1. Police chiefs suck, they all suck. They suck and swalow. They suck big green donkey dicks, the whole damn lot of them. Oh, you meant movie police chiefs. Well, they suck too.

  2. Police chiefs can only count periods of time in multiples of 12 hours.

    Although they’re real ball busters to their men, Police chiefs will actually stand up for them when they’re being attacked by a third party – e.g. a reporter, a city hall councilor etc.

    Police chiefs will have some form of facial hair. Type of facial hair depends on the decade.

    Police chiefs will use the word ‘badge’ and ‘case’ at least twice in every conversation – which must make them pretty lousy at foreplay.

    The only reason police chiefs are given an office is so they can yell ‘Get into my office!’ and of course ‘Get outta my office!’.

  3. all police chief’s have a bottle in their desks
    all police chief’s fear calls from the mayor
    all police chief’s have no sense of humor or for that matter, no sense

  4. Chiefs do have a nack for finding sultry 50 plus year old cougars. When banging said cougars their tickers give out!

  5. Always liked the cop / police chief scenes in So I Married An Axe Murderer They kind of summed up the whole genre.

  6. Needed,
    One Police Chief.
    Requirements:
    Must be able to say, “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit” once per day.
    Must be able to eat hanfuls of antacids.
    Must be able to yell, I’ll bust you down to rookie” one time per week.
    Bad health not required; will come with on-the-job training.
    desk pounding experience not necessary; but helpful.

  7. [quote comment=”632670″]Needed,
    One Police Chief.
    Requirements:
    Must be able to say, “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit” once per day.
    Must be able to eat hanfuls of antacids.
    Must be able to yell, I’ll bust you down to rookie” one time per week.
    Bad health not required; will come with on-the-job training.
    desk pounding experience not necessary; but helpful.[/quote]
    Oh, those are really good!

  8. [quote comment=”632634″]Police chiefs suck, they all suck. They suck and swalow. They suck big green donkey dicks, the whole damn lot of them. Oh, you meant movie police chiefs. Well, they suck too.[/quote]
    Patrick…I belive you have an issue with police chiefs…lol
    Dam…I hope you dont have to deal with one any time soon…or your dad is a police chief..Good Luck!!

  9. :puke: ❗ I think our whole you know what sucks more than anyone I know sucks. Not just the chief, it the whole judicial system. Do they even have a brain? Probably not, from doing all the drugs they have confinscated, and LOVED IT! But we had to pay for it, because they make jack shit. Stupid, look it up in the dicitionary: Police Chiefs, Police, Detectives, DTF, ATF, Jailers, any judicial system. I think they were in ROTC and were made fun of in school, so now they have a badge and a GUN! WOW! Watch out!

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