Things I Learned from Movies: Vampires

  1. They never check a vampire for ID
  2. Likewise, no one asks child vampire why they aren’t in school
  3. The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) never seems to notice that vampires are about 2,000 years too old to drive. Oh wait, they OWN the DMVs.
  4. Vampires exist by hard and fast rules. Once you turn, that’s it. Unless you’re in love with a good-looking human. Then you can return to the living by being nice.
  5. Becoming a vampire isn’t like a tattoo where it’s there forever. You can opt out. Just kill the lead vampire, and you can go back to being drab.
  6. Lead vampires are ancient, unstoppable and European that yearn for the “old ways”. Younger vampires are brash Americans with sophisticated technology.
  7. Being a vampire is great for your hair. As soon as you bite a victim, it’s coiffed, teased out and even gets some colors and highlights.
  8. If you’re a male vampire, and you suck a guy’s neck, it’s totally not gay at all. You get to call outs.
  9. If you’re a female vampire biting a female human however, it’s still lesbian and you’ll both end up naked in bed, cause that shit’s hot

What have you learned about vampires?

21 Replies to “Things I Learned from Movies: Vampires”

  1. Sparkling vampires? Why not just make it a musical and one could be a disco ball.
    There is always one “good” vamp.
    homo homoeroticism runs rampant in their society.

  2. I like their neat retractible teeth
    all new vampires have a learning curve assisted by their 600 year old teacher
    Said teacher is suave and sophistcated

  3. [quote comment=”632955″]I like their neat retractible teeth
    all new vampires have a learning curve assisted by their 600 year old teacher
    Said teacher is suave and sophistcated[/quote]
    And somehow, the teacher can turn a newbie into a pro in a few weeks, despite having spent centuries perfecting the methods.

  4. A vampire can gain his soul back either by a curse or through a series of trials.

    Never fall in love with a slayer. It won’t last.

    Somehow (though it’s never explained) two vampires can have a human child, who in fact is a harbinger of the end of the world.

    Sex with a vampire is really hot. Duh.

  5. They have killer parties in underground buildings.

    To fall in love with a male vampire, the female human must be thin, pale, and have an open window.

    To fall in love with a female vampire, the male human must have a six pack and never wear a shirt. Bonus: Greasy, wavy, hair.

    They find infants delicious.

  6. You can roast weenies and marshmellers over a vampyre if you drag his ass
    into the sunshine. 😈 :dead: :puke: :wtf: 😉

  7. If you were fat and lazy before you became a vampire, you’ll suddenly gain martial arts skills when you’re turned into one.

  8. Vampires have the most amazing clothes. When a vampire changes into a bat or turns to dust, the clothes follow suit. (pardon the pun) Their ties are always straight too, despite being unable to use a mirror.

    Female vampires always seem to be wearing their nightdresses but you’ll never see a male vampire in his pajamas.

    There used to be two basic types of vampire – the corny Hammer Horror Dracula and the scary bald Nosferatu/Salem’s Lot type. But since CGI came along the whole thing has really opened up.

    It’s strange that no vampire has ever thought of fitting his coffin with a car alarm so that when the Van Helsings and Harkers of this world come a staking, he’ll wake up the moment they open the lid.

    Have any vampires ever had chugging competitions using hemophiliacs?

  9. these are some factoids i just made up:

    -you can trick a vampire by wearing a fake neck.
    -vampires are made of crisco.
    -if a vampire is flying backwards you can see him in a mirror.
    -vampires who are more than 1,000 years old smell like old man balls.
    -it was actually vampire blood that they dumped on carrie at the prom even though they wanted us to believe it came from a pig.
    -you can knock out a vampire with a tennis racket.
    -vampire suits are fire proof but cannot repel wood.
    -my next door neighbor is a vampire.
    😕

  10. -vampires cannot sing or dance but they can “put on the ritz”
    -if you hit a vampire in the groin with a steel pipe and everything you’ve got they just look at you.
    -they tend to get blood smeared all over their faces like little babies eat pablum.
    -you always have to see a vampire through the front windshield before he magically appears in the seat beside you. i’m not sure if this is a factoid or not.
    -psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them! this is definately a factoid.

  11. [quote comment=”633023″]
    -vampires who are more than 1,000 years old smell like old man balls.
    [/quote]

    I really don’t want to know how you would be able to recognize that smell. :puke:

  12. Hey, AnnieB, help us settle this enigma. How do old man balls smell? :kiss: :love: :wang: ❗

  13. [quote comment=”632989″]If you were fat and lazy before you became a vampire, you’ll suddenly gain martial arts skills when you’re turned into one.[/quote]
    lol!!!! “my undead style is unstoppable!!!”

  14. [quote comment=”633020″]Vampires have the most amazing clothes. When a vampire changes into a bat or turns to dust, the clothes follow suit. (pardon the pun) Their ties are always straight too, despite being unable to use a mirror.

    Female vampires always seem to be wearing their nightdresses but you’ll never see a male vampire in his pajamas.

    There used to be two basic types of vampire – the corny Hammer Horror Dracula and the scary bald Nosferatu/Salem’s Lot type. But since CGI came along the whole thing has really opened up.

    It’s strange that no vampire has ever thought of fitting his coffin with a car alarm so that when the Van Helsings and Harkers of this world come a staking, he’ll wake up the moment they open the lid.

    Have any vampires ever had chugging competitions using hemophiliacs?[/quote]

    too much comic gold here, lung. i would add to your nightgown comment that becoming a vampire gives you a coupon for a free set of DD :boob: :boob:

  15. [quote comment=”633038″]Hey, AnnieB, help us settle this enigma. How do old man balls smell? :kiss: :love: :wang: :!:[/quote]

    I would imagine, just as with a young man’s balls, it would depend on his level of personal hygiene, but if I had to venture a guess, probably about like your breath.

    You never learn, do you? 😛

  16. [quote comment=”633075″][quote comment=”633038″]Hey, AnnieB, help us settle this enigma. How do old man balls smell? :kiss: :love: :wang: :!:[/quote]

    I would imagine, just as with a young man’s balls, it would depend on his level of personal hygiene, but if I had to venture a guess, probably about like your breath.

    You never learn, do you?

    :P[/quote]

    Touche’ Babe!
    😉 ❗

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