Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers

  1. If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died.
  2. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map.
  3. Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals.
  4. If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm.
  5. While the skin of a serial killer can burn, his internal organs are flame-retardant, allowing him to survive explosions, 3rd degree burns and blow-torches.
  6. In any group of teenagers, the hottest girl will date the biggest asshole (he will also die the worst death).
  7. Serial killers can make less noise tromping through dead leaves than a snail on glass.
  8. Women running will invariably trip over an invisible branch. Wearing nothing but lingerie will increase the odds of tripping by roughly 50%.
  9. Serial killers are also bullet-proof. Bullets actually give them more strength and are quickly absorbed into their bloodstream like multi-vitamins.
  10. Serial killers cannot drown. They will simply relax underwater for several minutes, then silently creep up on you without dripping water.
  11. Never stand within arms’ reach of a dead serial killer. This will resurrect him and he will grab your ankle (or the bloody machete you left next to him).
  12. Virginity protects nerdy, bookish women from serial killers.
  13. Local police do not believe in the existence of serial killers. The surgical removal of all limbs was clearly the result of a tragic accident.
  14. Despite crime statistics showing most serial killers are “the guy next door,” according to Hollywood, serial killers all live in remote, backwoods regions that are invariably well-stocked with machetes, chain saws, Samurai swords, razor ribbon and military-grade explosives.
  15. Serial killers, fed on a protein-rich diet of teenage livers and spleen kabobs, develop powerful muscles that enable them to punch through safety glass, saunter through solid, brick walls and tear the roofs off of sedans as easily as opening an envelope.
  16. Serial killers have two fashion preferences: Cannibal Chic, a stunning ensemble consisting of hand-torn flannels and leather, accented with pentagrams, bird bones, animal heads and rusted chain suspenders. The other look — The Custodian — is more conservative. Look for a full-body jumpsuit with a monochromatic color scheme, finished with a blood-tinted hockey mask.

What have you learned about serial killers?

31 Replies to “Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers”

  1. :wtf: A serial killer will have no problems slicing through a human adult male with a machete, (that is rusty and dull from years of neglect), in one stroke, yet the protaganist can’t chop through the thinnest, shittiest of wooden doors.

    :wtf: When lost in the woods, the killer is always going to be in the same direction the group leader points to while saying, “We need to head this way.”

    :wtf: There will ALWAYS be a sequel.

  2. Girls/women, when hearing noises in a creepy old house, will invariably go down
    into a dark cellar. Apparently they have never watched a serial killer movie. :wtf: 😈 :dead: :geek:

  3. No matter how fast you run, how many stairs you climb, or how many doors you lock behind you, serial killers are always just one flimsy wall behind you and will crash through the moment you stop to catch your breath.

    They can do this despite moving at a pace that would make a turtle look fast.

  4. The dumb blonde will always go into the attic or basement to see what was making noise, saying “hello is somebody there”. Holding a flashlight that will always run out of batteries the moment it would be too late for her to return to where she came from. She then hits the flashlight like this is going to incredibly recharge the batteries.

    Anyone running from a serial killer will always run upstairs knowing there is no way out from there, they will then pick the worst place to hide and always knock something over at the exact moment the killer is almost out of the room.

    Serial killers always pick the best hidding places.

    Serial killers are like cats they can see in the dark, have 9 lives, and will always land on there feet.

  5. You seem to have covered everything, but one tiny detail and the is in #8 you left out that the running tart will also be wearing spiked high hills.

  6. NO matter how fast you run, the imp ( with one good leg) chasing you will always catch you and hit you with that machete that just happens to be right where he catches you…

  7. After falling from a tremendous height the body of the SK will not be at the bottom when the authorities search.

    The resilience of the SK is directly related to the box office earnings.

  8. 17. If the movie is a box office smash, you can guarantee the Serial Killer is coming back. I don’t care if you chop him up into a hundred pieces, burn all the pieces and then dump the ashes in a heated vat of hydrochloric acid, that bastard’s coming back. Oh wait, I know- one fleck of ash flew up the nose of the guy who was dumping the ashes and he mysteriously and amazingly absorbed the Serial Killer DNA.

  9. You will never be found unless you turn in a complete 360 degree circle at which point you will discover that the killer was made of invisible and there the whole time with your shiny new stab-in-the-face present.

    In other news, I like long sentences….

  10. When the girl is running into the darkness from the killer, she will at some stage turn around to check where the maniac is. When she turns back, she will suddenly run into him.

    The false fright followed by the real fright. Tension grows, but the girl discovers that it’s only her kitty making noise in the closet. She relaxes, laughs closes closet door and has her head split open by the hatchet weilding maniac hiding behind it.

    If you discover an open upstairs window with curtains billowing inwards, just get the fuck outta the house already!

    Despite being very common in real life, house alarms, panic buttons and movement-activated porch lights never exist in horror flicks.

    Serial killers hate cell phones. (how do you cut the wires?)

  11. That would have to be close to being the definitive list for serial killer movies Dave, well played sir! 😉

  12. Regardless of make or model or how reliable it looks, while taking a drive on that ordinarily scenic road the soon to be victims car will break down just a few yards from the one house on the road where the local psycho or family of psychos live.

  13. People who get a phone call from the psycho/serial killer don’t have caller ID and don’t think to (star)69 to (at least) try to find the evil guys location.

  14. I kinda like serial killers!

    Unless of course they KILL the sexy English guy, wearing black, with the random ability NOT to fall over and CAN have a 1-2-1 fight, without becoming an automatic girl. (kids will do that to ya!)

    However……..

    I seriously believe my neighbour IS a serial killer though!

    👿 In Short:

    We fitted a new boiler last month………

    The smoke was “killing” his daughter!

    Needless to say:

    His army training packed up when i went round there, but he did register a complaint with the “housing association!”

    He later found out that WE bought our house and ever since then….has taken our bins/Trash out on time ..every week. (GOOD LAD + more power to his ELBOW)

    Furthermore

    I know he rents!

    I bought!

    ……….GAME OVER and here comes Mr. Fence!

    SAS eat you heart out!

    Peace Out! ReV !

    P.S BigWAVDav….Sorry mate….kinda took you for a tosser! Not now though! YOU CHEEKY BADBOY although if you talk like that…….You WILL be censored (eh Dave?)!

    DEATH BEFORE DIS-HONOUR! 😉

  15. The SK is always two steps ahead of the dopey cops and the killings usually involve such intricate machinations that it would take weeks to set up and execute them. However, they manage to accomplish this in mere minutes and are able to appear in several different places, seemingly out of the blue, to off their latest victim(s).

  16. P.S Would just like to add..DaveZilla has NEVER edited or censored anyone! So talk IS CHEAP and DO buy a t-shirt!

    I promise I will! (Dave, check………..make it available. I’ll have 2!) (set your flock to stun though………no seroiusly, promise on my mothers life i will buy 2, providing shipping is free and price is normal…..we ARE in recession here btw!)

    You may not conform, but bills ARE bills (I think footage of Zorro with the whole Z on your head thing would work) so lads………..

    guys? REAL MEN?

    We accept “Z” heads and buy a T-shirt with old Zorro movie footage..?

    Spud?

    I hear that in sewers……..rats fear the “Z” good buddy and ladies go crazy for a man in Zilla!
    (lose the straw hat though!)

    Z caps are way cooler!

    Dave has his cats, his house ……….. mint green toilet roll holders to uphold.

    Plus you get to say/do things you would never do irl? At DAVEZILLA.COM but irl zilla is the ladykiller my friend!

    P.P.S I just drew a Z on my top today………wow im tired and I add “free from rats too”

    Not a bad thing?

    So take one for the Team……….and besides he is a good guy, as you all know…….Im a tosser so meet the antithesis! He’s a Warm and Vaginas mates!

    Promise I,ll be rude and nasty all through 2009?

    But at least! WE wont get censored….can speak OUR minds….. and with Dave in tOHO who can fail?

    And when I get to heaven
    Saint Peter…WE can Tell
    One more “Z” reporting sir!
    I’ve done my time
    In hell!
    😉

    Serious Peace Out All

    ReV 😉

  17. [quote comment=”618765″] If you discover an open upstairs window with curtains billowing inwards, just get the fuck outta the house already!

    Despite being very common in real life, house alarms, panic buttons and movement-activated porch lights never exist in horror flicks.[/quote]
    Also, window screens and/or storms. How come no windows in any movies have either of these, no matter the geographic location of the house, or the season? Or don’t bugs, birds, and small animals exist either, unless written specifically into the script?

  18. I miss a good screamer ……… Adrienne Barbeau, where are you ? Had it all, hit the high C’s, easy on the eyes and nice ta’s …… damn, I miss her ……….. 😕

  19. You’re right Rev, Dave doesn’t censor, but sometimes Moderation Hell can kill the relevance of your comment.

    YOUR comments, however, are timeless simply because they are always irrelevant and quite often, indecipherable.

    I find your prolificness and ability to be an equal opportunity offender to be quite astounding… AND moderately amusing at times, I must confess.

    Although I’m not totally convinced that you are the arrogant jackass I think you are, keep trying and I’m sure you’ll win me over.

    Btw, is this why you chose the Queen of Diamonds for your avatar?

    http://www.gayleague.com/online/qod/qodintro.php

  20. [quote comment=”619485″]I miss a good screamer ……… Adrienne Barbeau, where are you ?

    Had it all, hit the high C’s, easy on the eyes and nice ta’s …… damn, I miss her ……….. :-?[/quote]
    -she really disappeared. i think she’s fucking snake pliskin cuz i haven’t seen her since!
    -anyhoo……rev.??????? ok thanks you reminded me of one. i can reference it right from this page now: even though rev. has revealed that he has stereotypical SK personality the real killer here in zillaland may be cornbot! (just picked someone who seems normal and i still like saying cornbot). the serial killer in the movie is never the guy who they would have us believe is the guy by giving him the SK personality it’s usually the guy we would never suspect cuz he’s so normal. 😐

  21. Serial killers like to take pictures of their recent kills and taunt you with the pictures, especially if it’s of a family member.

    A head in a box is enough to make a grieving man murderous.

  22. [quote comment=”619485″]I miss a good screamer ……… Adrienne Barbeau, where are you ?

    Had it all, hit the high C’s, easy on the eyes and nice ta’s …… damn, I miss her ……….. :-?[/quote]
    Absolutely – She was the best :wang:

  23. [quote comment=”621058″]You’re right Rev,

    YOUR comments, however, are timeless.

    I find your prolificness and ability to be an equal opportunity offender to be quite astounding… AND moderately amusing at times, I must confess I LOVE YOU!

    Although I’m not totally convinced that you are the arrogant jackass I think you are, keep trying and I’m sure you’ll win me over in bed.

    Btw, is this why you chose the Queen of Diamonds for your avatar? Cos I just love diamonds and of course men in “Z” shirts!

    http://www.gayleague.com/online/qod/qodintro.php%5B/quote%5D is not for you, but I feel inside….We could be soulmates!

    (This comment HAS not been edited)

    😉 ReV

    P.S Love and Hate.so closely linked………….

  24. “In any group of teenagers, the hottest girl will date the biggest asshole (he will also die the worst death).”

    I believe that last part is called karma. 😛

  25. [quote comment=”621062″][quote comment=”619485″]I miss a good screamer ……… Adrienne Barbeau, where are you ?

    Had it all, hit the high C’s, easy on the eyes and nice ta’s …… damn, I miss her ……….. :-?[/quote]
    -she really disappeared. i think she’s fucking snake pliskin cuz i haven’t seen her since!
    -anyhoo……rev.??????? ok thanks you reminded me of one. i can reference it right from this page now: even though rev. has revealed that he has stereotypical SK personality the real killer here in zillaland may be cornbot! (just picked someone who seems normal and i still like saying cornbot). the serial killer in the movie is never the guy who they would have us believe is the guy by giving him the SK personality it’s usually the guy we would never suspect cuz he’s so normal. :-|[/quote]
    Snake Pliskin? I thought he was dead!

  26. Now that was HIGHLY amusing ReV. You’re a lot smarter than you look.

    I don’t think the DeVil has a need for a soulmate…

    @ Flash – Now don’t worry your pretty little head about that for a second…

    Okay, I’ll give you a clue.

    I was just fucking with the ReV. Um, you didn’t figure that out? 😛

    Oh! You meant THIS website. Well, I dunno Flash, I guess I’ve just grown rather fond of this place and its multifaceted inhabitants.

    Although, I must say, I’m NOT too happy with one certain individual who keeps trying to encroach on the area I’ve carved out as resident asshole. Oh well.

    C’est la vive.

  27. [quote comment=”622406″]Now that was HIGHLY amusing ReV. You’re a lot smarter than you look.

    I was just fucking with the ReV. Um, you didn’t figure that out?

    Although, I must say, I’m NOT too happy with one certain individual who keeps trying to encroach on the area I’ve carved out as resident asshole. Oh well.

    C’est la vive.[/quote]

    I rest my case! 👿 a I present another uncensored comment to the group.

    😉 ReV

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